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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, July 31, 2021

Nation’s pro-Bono lawyers gather, support U2’s next album

All articles featured in Almanac are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

SAN DIEGO—The streets of San Diego were teeming last weekend as attorneys from across the country united behind a valuable cause: the rock band U2’s upcoming album, How to Reassemble an Atomic Bomb.
Coming hot off the heels of their forcibly circulated 2014 release, Songs of Innocence, this upcoming album has garnered a moderate amount of support worldwide. Much of this support originated from the California-based legal organization, Lawyers for the Promotion of Irish Rock Singers.
“The opening bit of “Where the Streets Have No Name,” practically got me through law school,” said one Midwestern attorney who made the trek out to California. “When Bono finally comes in on the vocals I get shivers every time.”
“I haven’t missed one of these album release things since Joshua Tree,” said Tessa Gonzalez, a public defender from San Bernardino. “There’s just no better place to talk law, talk music and bow down thrice daily to Bono, the God and founder of modern rock music.”
San Diego police chief Shelley Zimmerman said that despite the manageable size of the gathering, it’s typically one of the department’s most avoided events to control.
“Something about the argumentative nature of the crowd and the constant drone of smarmy, grandiose rock music tends to rub our officers the wrong way,” Zimmerman said.
According to their press statement, U2’s next album will be released sometime within the next two months, at which point Bono will hand-deliver a vinyl copy of the album to every home, apartment and fishing shanty across the globe, whether or not anyone wants it.

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