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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, May 26, 2022

Scientists surprised to find perfectly habitable planet right under their feet

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Scientists at the National Aeronautics and Space Administration have definitively concluded their search for a life-sustaining planet after realizing that Earth itself met all of their requirements with flying colors, deeming their intergalactic search redundant and, frankly, quite silly.

According to research scientist Elisa Quintana, the real kicker is that,  given their own existence, they should’ve realized Earth is life-sustaining long, long ago.

“Astonishing,” she says, “that we spent so many years in the lab ‘pouring over deep-space models, eating, defecating and making love’ without ever connecting their inherently lively activities to other biotic life right here on Earth.”

“It’s like losing your glasses,” said Dr. Paul Hertz, director of NASA’s astrophysics division. “You spend months and years frantically searching for them all around the flippin’ galaxy only to realize that they were on top of your head the whole time.”

NASA admits this is a fairly obvious discovery, but sources maintain they are not at all displeased with their findings or the trajectory of their research process.

In fact, researchers are currently rejoicing at the prospects of exploring life on Earth. Civilians near the Ames Research Center in California filed complaints Tuesday saying a horde of people wearing only lab coats had been ecstatically running through local forests, screaming and copulating with one another out of sheer excitement for life on Earth.

A press release detailing NASA’s next project—a search for combustible carbon fuels under the Earth’s surface—is expected to be released sometime this week.

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