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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, May 24, 2022

Steps to effectively protest a Trump rally

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

1. The day before the rally, gather 10-20 strong-willed friends with sturdy gastrointestinal tracts. Make sure they’re OK triggering reverse peristalsis in the name of justice. 

2. Get tickets for the rally. They might be expensive, but the people of America will thank you later.

3. Throw an awesome party, beer and liquor included, for your friends. The first priority, of course, is having fun. The second priority is making sure everyone will feel terrible the next day. Upset stomachs are a must in order for this plan to work.

4. The next day, when everyone is thoroughly hungover, methodically eat fried eggs, about two or three an hour, until the rally begins. Wash them down with orange juice.  If it’s an evening rally you’ll have to pace yourselves. You will be miserable, but, so will we all, if this plan doesn’t come through.

5. Driving very carefully, so as not to lose control of the vehicle or your stomach, make your way to the rally. Park and exit the vehicle.

6. With pained expressions on your faces, indicative of both the political climate and your internal strife, make your way toward the film crews present at the event. Do not make any motions or noises. Just stand in front of the cameras and wallow in your discomfort.

7. As the doors to the event open, take your places near the stage. Keep an eye out for the media areas in the building—you’ll want them to see your protest. For maximum effect, disperse your team around the front of the audience, so your poignant message can spread to the rest of the crowd.

8. As the opening speakers make their remarks, slowly eat the last few eggs you brought along in your pockets. Wash them down with OJ. This will not be easy. Your hungover, egg-filled bodies will be ready to burst, but you must be strong. You are strong. Only a few more minutes to wait.

9. The last openers finish their speeches. The crowd is warmed up and the energy high. Signal your team as the man himself, head-honcho of hell and high-rise buildings, Donald J. Trump, makes his way onto the stage.

10. As he nears the podium, as the TV cameras pan and the audience screams, put yourselves in position. Lift your hands to your mouths and extend your pointer fingers as far as they can go, slowly moving them toward the back of your throats.

11. As soon as The Donald opens his mouth, you will make your move. Jamming your fingers into your mouths, you and 15 friends trigger your natural gag reflex and unleash a torrent of egg- and orange juice-laden vomit as high and as far as you can. Gallons of bile and putrid filth pour out of your bodies and into the crowd as it roars in appreciation of Trump’s equally foul opinings.

12. You have done your job. With the acidic remnants of glory still in your mouths, watch the room fall into chaos. The soft-stomached folks around you succumb to the growing stench. Casualties to your patriotic protest, they vomit too.

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13. Like a wave of sickness sent from Satan himself, the area of affliction begins to spread. With each word Trump utters, dozens more are unable to hold themselves back. Hundreds of people puke profusely, doubled over at the pain and horror brought to them by everyone else in the crowd.

14. Watch as the camera men and women can no longer restrain themselves. They drop their cameras and fall to their knees. Victims too, of the horrific scene.

15. With any luck, one camera will remain trained on the stage as Donald Drumpf himself, protected from the masses as he always has been, is overcome by the stench. He who has awakened such hate and horror in so many Americans bends over the podium, too weak and disgusted to stand, and belches forth the most vile, putrid and caustic pile of puke the world has ever seen. He too crumples to the ground. Uncomfortable, sick and down from his podium, he has finally learned how it feels to be one of the many. 

16. Your task is complete. But what of the backlash? What does this mean? The headlines will come. “Donald Trump rally causes thousands to be ill.” “Trump’s appearance causes widespread sickness.” What a shame, you might think, that it took physical pain to make people realize what’s been harming them all along.

17. Despite your good intentions, you might have realized that hate, including the kind you’ve just induced, will never lead to greatness. 

18. Unsure if you should be proud or ashamed, just sit and hope that all the people you made puke are OK.

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