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(09/14/10 6:00am)
Are you looking to expand your horizons through an exciting and
stimulating change in cultural scenery? Looking to seek out an
educational experience without the boringly usual modern-day
amenities and personal freedoms we enjoy here in Madison? If so,
you'll be pleased to hear that notoriously reclusive and xenophobic
Democratic People's Republic of North Korea has opened its doors to
the outside world, specifically to the UW-Madison study abroad
program. The stark cultural difference between our cozy, relaxed
university setting and the totalitarian communist state will
assuredly create ample opportunity for students to expand their
horizons.
(05/04/10 6:00am)
Are you struggling to find a likeable personality, feeling
lonely or just plain socially inept? Do you feel jealous and
helpless on weekend nights, silently sobbing to yourself as you
peek through the blinds of your dorm or apartment at the site of
drunken and happy-go-lucky students squiring about the town? If so,
you've got two decent options for stopping the vicious cycle of
unwanted self-isolation. You could try your luck at becoming a
reclusive savant, a modern-day Rain Man if you will, using the time
not spent socializing to master an incredible talent like gambling
or chess. Or just take the much easier, albeit less impressive
route; join a fraternity.
(04/29/10 6:00am)
In a brash and controversial move regarding tomorrow's Mifflin
Street Block Party, the school's favorite binge-drinking holiday,
the city of Madison has banned the sale of alcohol from today
through Sunday. The decision, based on the standard fears of
arrests, vandalism, deaths and injuries related to mass alcohol
consumption, will certainly have severe implications toward the
partygoing community. Ned Cheever, 87, of City Hall, one of the
people who voted for this year's drying-out of Mifflin, explained
their decision.
(04/23/10 6:00am)
If you find yourself easily sidetracked by the internet as much
as I, then this article is for you, because I'm about to drop an
A-bomb of time-wasting on your ass. If not, you might want to stop
reading now, and actually start paying attention to your
lecture.
(04/15/10 6:00am)
If in the unlikely chance you're reading this, PANIC! ABANDON
ALL HOPE! Drop this paper and run like that Kenyan track star!
Why!? It seems our friends down at the genetics department have
really screwed the pooch with their latest top-secret research.
Early today, during some hush-hush human testing projects involving
building smarter, faster and unquestioning humans for the U.S.
Army, hundreds of their specimens overcame the feebly built
researchers and escaped from the genetics building. The catch? The
test itself recently went horribly wrong, and the fugitives just so
happened to be face-eating zombies. To be blunt, we've got more
Jason Bourne-like zombies streaming out of that building than your
everyday Justin Bieber concert.
(04/08/10 6:00am)
3 a.m., and the lights in my room
(03/18/10 6:00am)
Somehow I smashed the screen on my fancy and fairly new Samsung
sliding-touch phone to kingdom come, and over the next few weeks
slowly watched the light behind the screen die from where I cracked
it outwards... malignant cancer of the phone. I remember the
sinking feeling in my stomach as my text messages, contacts and
favorite Star Trek adventure game faded away into nonexistence. Now
I'm stuck with this antique pile of shit flip phone, with a
half-assed camera and T9 prediction for texts. I remember clutching
a similar one while scurrying around the halls during the early
years of high school, but at that time they were the cat's meow,
the cool thing to have.
(03/11/10 6:00am)
Why hasn't Larry King died yet? Why haven't I shit in four days?
How big was the fattest person who has ever lived? How deep
underwater do you need to swim before your ears implode? He's only
76, a low-fiber diet, 1,225 pounds and pretty fucking deep. These
are the real questions in life; the questions your professors will
be scratching their heads at. Luckily, we have Google. For poor,
uninformed bastards like me, it's the slickest route for answers
the world has ever known. Sometimes when I'm really hungry for
answers, I'll just sit in front of Google for hours suckling on the
unending virtual teat of knowledge until I can't take any more.
(03/04/10 6:00am)
Cash. Duckets. Cabbage. Greenbacks. Only a substance of utmost
importance in society would deserve so many titles. The other day I
was sitting around doing some serious thinking, and I got to
wondering about money, or a world without it, rather. Seriously
though, think about it... it wasn't around all the time, so some
sly-thinking dude back in Babylon had to find something shiny, and
convince some other schlub that it was worth as much as a horse or
something. I imagine he'd make sure he had plenty of those shiny
rocks laying around somewhere too, once it caught on (I heard
Babylonian prostitutes were cheap and the cream of the crop).
(02/25/10 6:00am)
If I had a Twitter account, which you can bet your ass I don't,
here's what I would be ""tweeting"" about today: @AndrewLahr just
recently discovered how hard Twitter sucks.
(02/18/10 6:00am)
Today's tough economic times have left business firms in the
gutter. With these titans of industry failing, who inherits the
earth? Answer: Geeks, nerds, dweebs, whatever you may call them.
They are the inquisitive, usually socially inept subpopulation of
the world. This is a fact of life that even the most moronic
members of society understand. Geeks are the most important natural
resource the world has ever known. Without them gravity would be
nothing more than a shitty John Mayer song, and earth would still
be flatter than an emaciated Nicole Richie. As important as geeks
are today, they've got it rough, thought of as nothing more than
that four-eyed square/possible serial killer that breathes really
hard behind you in biology class. Well, I'm here to tell you you're
lucky he's breathing, ‘cause some day he'll solve global warming
and cure AIDS in his spare time after a tiring ""World of
Warcraft"" binge. Everyone knows it's possible to succeed in law or
business without using the majority of your brain, and if that's
your slice of pie, fine. Just remember that the DNA sequence in
that blood or semen sample and that fancy Palm Pilot you stroke
during the night alone in your fancy hotel aren't being crapped out
of thin air by the science fairy.
(02/11/10 6:00am)
I was on my way back to the dorms after a vigorous day of
protesting those crazy liberal protestors down at the Capitol with
my buddy Carl from the local gun club, when I stumbled across my
floormate working on some big biology project. He was really having
a hard time with it because he said it involved a lot of research
and source-checking and stuff of that matter. He asked me to read
it over and tell him what I thought about it, which surprised me
because people usually don't ask for my input on just about
anything, but I obliged. I read it over, and I won't lie, there was
a lot of scienc-y stuff in there. About three-quarters the way
through I realized he was writing about the stuff my ma and pa told
me to steer clear of. I am speaking, of course, about evolution.
When I realized the sin I had just committed, I immediately dropped
what I was reading (which actually wasn't a fantastic idea because
it was his brand new MacBook). He got real mad after I did that and
got up lookin' for a fight, I suppose. Usually I'm prepared for
such confrontations, but I quickly realized I left my concealable
spray can of bear mace in my bear-hunting jacket (what was I
thinking?). Bummer. I'm really not all that big of a guy but I'm
quick as a hot-to-trot buck during the rut, so I just kind of ran
away at that point.
(02/04/10 6:00am)
Now that Conan's off the air, and considering the fact that SNL
hasn't been momentarily funny for as long as I've been alive,
there's seldom a reason for me to consider watching NBC. This is
all about to change though, as it does every two years for a few
brief weeks. The winter Olympics will be coming to NBC soon,
bringing millions of viewers with it, all eager to see Amurrica do
what it does best...beat the tar out of other countries in acts of
physical strength and dexterity. Knowing that the U.S.A is (as
usual) going to be dolling out the usual dose of whoop-ass, along
with the fact that the majority of the events really aren't that
fun to watch for long periods of time anyway, one must ask a very
important question: Why the hell do Americans abandon their usual
modes of entertainment to tune in to the Winter Olympics so
consistently? Luckily, I think I may have found the answer. Here
are a few of the most popular (and unpopular) events, and the real
reason Americans are actually watching them.
(01/28/10 6:00am)
As of last evening, it's become evident that even superheroes
are not immune from one of humanity's most menacing qualities:
envy. In a strikingly bold move, Robin, arguably the nation's most
popular sidekick, defected from his daily duties of shining
Batman's utility belt and vacuuming the batcave in an attempt to
persuade the nation's most neglected superheroes to unionize. A
somber Batman, wiping tears aside with his cape, addressed the
nation early this morning as the story broke.
(01/21/10 6:00am)
Lots of NoDoz, and plenty of Dew."" That's how I respond when my
close friends ask me how I ever got through U.S. Operative basic
training without my superiors catching wind of my debilitating
disorder. I'm agent Peter Stotch, and I have narcolepsy. Sometimes
I'll go all day without falling asleep. Other times I'll find
myself curled up like a kitten in the middle of the street.
Regardless, I'm the best there is at what I do, and I'll be damned
if the occasional mid-day snooze is gonna keep me from my work.
(12/10/09 6:00am)
About a week ago today, I made one of the hardest decisions a
stereotypical 20-year-old can make. After a few long hours of
introspection and soul-searching, I decided to delete my Facebook
page, to stare society in the face and tell it to suck one. I'm not
even kidding, this is not a joke by any means, and I knew it was
something that needed to be done if I was ever going to do anything
with my life. Now, a week in, I can say that I've been through the
worst of it. The first few days were a very dark time for me, but I
would like to believe I have emerged a better man. All I can do now
is hope I don't succumb to relapse and the shame associated with
it. To make things interesting, I decided I'd catalog the
day-by-day mental struggle I went through immediately following the
loss of my favorite social networking site. The following is a
journal comprised of my inner struggle against the bittersweet
menace that is Facebook.
(12/03/09 6:00am)
I'm a huge proponent of the History Channel. Sometimes there's
nothing better after a long day of toiling over mind-numbingly
exhausting classes than sitting down and letting the History
Channel indulge me with its infinite wisdom without even asking me
to read a few hundred pages for tomorrow after the show ends.
Recently, a special came on regarding the ""greatest generation""
and the hardship they endured to ensure you and I can shove double
cheeseburgers down our throats while Facebooking until our eyeballs
bleed. For those of you who aren't too keen on your generational
knowledge, if you're in college right now, your grandparents were
most likely part of the Greatest Generation.
(11/13/09 6:00am)
If I added up the alarmingly significant number of hours of my
life I've wasted on Facebook recently, I can guarantee a healthy
chunk of these hours was dedicated to seeing the same old, goddamn
repetitive pictures.
(11/05/09 6:00am)
(10/30/09 6:00am)
The frigid morning air roused my shivering body into a wakeful
state. My mind wasn't quite there, and I felt like I'd just
suffered a pretty decent amount of head trauma. It was dark, too
dark for what time it must have been... Where the hell was I? The
smell of manure and rotting hay filled my nostrils, and I vomited
the little food that was left in my stomach all over the cement
floor. My mouth was dry—really dry—what I would have given for a
glass of water. Where was I, and what day was it? What had happened
last night? Many questions awaited my unprepared head.