Are you struggling to find a likeable personality, feeling lonely or just plain socially inept? Do you feel jealous and helpless on weekend nights, silently sobbing to yourself as you peek through the blinds of your dorm or apartment at the site of drunken and happy-go-lucky students squiring about the town? If so, you've got two decent options for stopping the vicious cycle of unwanted self-isolation. You could try your luck at becoming a reclusive savant, a modern-day Rain Man if you will, using the time not spent socializing to master an incredible talent like gambling or chess. Or just take the much easier, albeit less impressive route; join a fraternity.
It's a simple enough process, but you must master a few skills. Modern frats aren't like they were in their ""Animal House"" days, when you and a gang of fellas intent on binging and causing a ruckus could find a random house, give it some Greek syllabary and let the party roll. Not to mention if considering this decision, your list of friends may be growing dangerously scant. Today Greek life is bogged down in the usual bullshit politics, rules, money and criteria for membership. Though I can't say I've ever considered frat life, I regrettably frequent many Greek ""hot-spots"" on the weekends. As a result, I have (very much unintentionally) witnessed many common nuances found in modern frat culture. Compiled here is a list of behavioral tips broken into three integral categories of frat living, which will help in successfully infiltrating the UW-Fraternity culture; follow them with the utmost tenacity.
1. Appearance: This is probably the easiest one to master because adopting frat clothing is the best way for a unique personality to quickly conform to the masses. Hats should be flat-brimmed with a flashy insignia and backwards. Feel free to strategically tilt the brim to the side if you're going for the much desired ""urban-yet-probably-suburban"" look. Sunglasses should be obnoxiously large, reflective or ""Kanye-shuttered,"" and worn regardless of how sunny it is. Shirts and pants are tough. I suggest grabbing something that can hold a lot of vomit, a few Adderall, as well as tolerate the sights and sounds of primetime MTV. Do this until noticeable patterns result in the ever-changing, and quickly obsolete pieces of cloth we call brand names are engraved in your mind. Oh, and use excessive amounts of expensive-smelling cologne for that sophisticated I'm-better-than-just-deodorant scent.
2. Linguistics: If English isn't your first language, you're probably screwed.However, if you're an English scholar, you're in luck and will only need to make a few tweaks to their verbal repertoire. When speaking toward fellow frat members, get rid of the word ""going"" and replace it with the newly used ""trying."" For example, if you're not a marijuana smoker, ease the resulting alienation from your probably pot-smoking companions by saying, ""I'm not trying to hit that bong right now, bra."" Note the use of a word commonly associated with breast support at the end. The word is actually a substitute for the word ""bro,"" which recently witnessed a mysterious vowel substitution in frats, despite also being only one syllable. Use ""bra"" fervently for capping a sentence correctly, or at least use the form ""broski,"" especially when requesting or delivering a ""brewski.""
3. Sexuality: It's common for frat boys to be confused about their sexuality, and most frat boys will suppress their inner struggle. Statistically speaking, in frats, heterosexuality is generally agreed upon as today's status quo. If you are in fact homosexual, not that there's anything wrong with that (""Seinfeld"" anyone?), it's usually best not to discuss the topic during the application process. Homophobia is very prevalent in large groups of communal-dwelling and sexually indecisive men. Frat brothers will put a lot of time and effort into subtly yet aggressively pumping as much alcohol into the opposite sex as possible at local bars, ""keggers,"" ""pre-games"" and especially ""A-bars,"" in a coordinated effort aimed at making themselves more appealing to preferably desperate girls. Assuming you're no modern-day Fonzie and can't simply woo a cute gal with a leather jumpsuit, two thumbs way up and a loud ""EYYYYY!"", you too should partake in the effort. Chip in extra for more kegs, and stand by the door at parties harassing women until they enter, using the prospect of free shots of Ron Diaz as bait.
Frat-bound and need more tips? Andrew has plenty more that didn't fit. They're accessible by e-mail for a cheap flat fee at aplahr@wisc.edu.
