In a brash and controversial move regarding tomorrow's Mifflin Street Block Party, the school's favorite binge-drinking holiday, the city of Madison has banned the sale of alcohol from today through Sunday. The decision, based on the standard fears of arrests, vandalism, deaths and injuries related to mass alcohol consumption, will certainly have severe implications toward the partygoing community. Ned Cheever, 87, of City Hall, one of the people who voted for this year's drying-out of Mifflin, explained their decision.
""The damned kids of this generation don't know how spoiled they are these days,"" Cheever said. ""I tell ya, when I was in school we'd be lucky to have a Parcheesi board and indoor plumbing to add spice to our parties. To have a beer alone was a dream come true, and to slam it down your gullet like I've seen a few of these hipsters do was a mortal sin.""
Both kegs and cases will not ship to the countless houses lying along the infamous block, locations that rely on multiple kegs and their frothy contents for fun-filled chugging, bonging, slamming and of course the resulting and encouraged puke-and-rally. Now, home-renters are scrambling to muster up any amount of firewater or face the cold reality of a sober party on Mifflin. I caught up with Tim Shankston, a resident of a well-known corner house on Mifflin, sitting on his porch smoking a Marlboro. When asked about his plans for tomorrow, he was far from optimistic.
""Man, we had six kegs ordered. Do you know how much cash a couple of poor bastards can make off of selling overpriced cups for six kegs at Mifflin?"" Shankston said. ""Now what the hell are we going to do? I've got Twister up in the closet, and Mike's got a real nice video-game collection... but it's just not going to be the same without the puke stains, blackouts and fistfights, you know?""
The question still remains as to how attendance and participation at the yearly event will be affected by the absence of utter inebriation. However appealing the prospect of apple-juice bongs and milk pong sound, the hastily reformatted party games will undoubtedly fail to impress the masses for long.
I swung by the Lakeshore dorms to see how they felt about the new changes to Mifflin. Unfortunately residents either asked ""What's Mifflin?"" or the much more astounding ""What's beer?"" The residents of Witte were able to shed a bit more light on the subject.
Kristie Jitsberg, recently labeled ""fucking crazy"" by her friends for her die-hard party shenanigans, was livid.
""Honestly, like, this is sooo bull. Seriously, like how the hell can they do this shit? Like, I haven't had fun in three years without some cheap vodka flowing through my veins, and now, on like my first year here they go and ban alcohol? Whatever! Anyway, like I heard about this trick I'm tryin'a pull with rubbing alcohol and like a loaf of bread I'm going to try out tomorrow and I'm pretty sure it's really gunna fuck me up. Take that City Hall, you old coots!""
Only time will tell how the students of Wisconsin and visitors from afar will handle a Mifflin devoid of severe intoxication. Who knows, maybe there will be more arrests, judging by the public outcry. Houses will have to get crafty to draw sober crowds into keg-less houses, that's for sure. I'll be attending a ""Pictionary party"" over on 1546 and bringing a pencil and a grin for a real fun-filled time. I'd also highly recommend the crazy-friggin-cake-walk over on 1224 and the face-painting fiesta at 1306.
Have any beer for sale? E-mail Andrew at aplahr@wisc.edu for a top-notch offer.
