Why hasn't Larry King died yet? Why haven't I shit in four days? How big was the fattest person who has ever lived? How deep underwater do you need to swim before your ears implode? He's only 76, a low-fiber diet, 1,225 pounds and pretty fucking deep. These are the real questions in life; the questions your professors will be scratching their heads at. Luckily, we have Google. For poor, uninformed bastards like me, it's the slickest route for answers the world has ever known. Sometimes when I'm really hungry for answers, I'll just sit in front of Google for hours suckling on the unending virtual teat of knowledge until I can't take any more.
Google will own the world one day. Don't believe me? Google it. This is a fact known to all and accepted by few. Just earlier this year they called out China on some shady business and gave them the shaft. Why? Because they can do whatever the hell they want.
Miss a whole semester's worth of lectures in history? Big deal. Google knows lots about Napoleon and Stalin. Don't know what to write your weekly column on this week? No biggie. Yesterday I just asked Google: ""What should I write about in the paper this week?"" It graciously replied: Thou shalt pay us homage this week. Google is invaluable. I'd go so far as to say that Google has taught me far more than tens of thousands of dollars worth of education here at Madison. If it weren't for the esteemed nightlife, I may have gone the cheaper route of education involving a computer screen, scattered cans of Coke and many spent boxes of Cheez-Its.
You know how Google will usually anticipate what it thinks you're going o say depending on the words you punch in? The words you can choose from in the dropbox are usually common phrases that other people have searched, and thus are phrases Google thinks you will probably search. One fun thing I like to do is punch in a bunch of very common phrases and see what is on the minds of other people in the world by reading the anticipated phrases. Unfortunately, Google does not allow inappropriate searches to appear in the box so half the fun is immediately squandered, but you'd be surprised what the majority of people are frequently searching these days. It's really a blast for the easily entertained, and here are a few fun ones to get you started. These are 100 percent REAL, if they weren't, they'd be a lot more amusing. I guarantee it.
Search: What is the...
Top results:
-What is the meaning of life
-What is the average peni size
-What is the date today?
The first result is obvious. If anyone is going to know the meaning of life, it's Google, but even I don't have that much faith in the all-knowing search engine. Apparently the word penis is censored in Google search, because even a phrase with a typo for male genitalia made it to the top of the list. Finally, and more seriously, how often has anyone seen a computer without the time and date in the bottom right corner? This search might as well be ""Why am I such an ignoramus""?
Search: Why Haven't...
Top Results:
-Why haven't I started my period?
-Why haven't I hit puberty?
-Why haven't I lost weight yet!?
-Why haven't we flown to the moon again?
Clearly Americans love starting their medical questions with this beginning phrase; in fact only one out of ten results wasn't medical in nature. What baffles me is the fact that there must be a massive amount of eleven-year-olds out there who are turning to Google to quicken their sexual maturity. What's the rush?
Search: How long does...
Top results:
-How long does sperm live?
-How long does implantation bleeding last?
-How long does it take to get pregnant?
-How long does gum take to digest?
The gum question is legit. That can be a scary thing the first time you swallow a wad of Wrigley's with all the rumors circulating about the havoc it can wreak on your digestive system. Speaking of swallowing wads, what's with all these damn sperm and pregnancy questions? This search only reinforced the fact that there really are quite a few people out there who need to take Sex Ed. again.
Search: Why can't I...
Top results:
-Why can't I own a Canadian?
-Why can't I find a boyfriend/girlfriend?
-Why can't I lose any weight?
-Why can't I get wet?
The top result was surprising to me, but at the same time, owning a Canadian doesn'tsound half-bad really. Weight issues and relationship troubles are pretty standard I guess... I'll let everyone's imagination run wild for the last one, though I'd recommend jumping in a large body of water before trying anything more promiscuous.
Enjoy playing stupid games with Google too? E-mail Andrew at aplahr@wisc.edu.