If in the unlikely chance you're reading this, PANIC! ABANDON ALL HOPE! Drop this paper and run like that Kenyan track star! Why!? It seems our friends down at the genetics department have really screwed the pooch with their latest top-secret research. Early today, during some hush-hush human testing projects involving building smarter, faster and unquestioning humans for the U.S. Army, hundreds of their specimens overcame the feebly built researchers and escaped from the genetics building. The catch? The test itself recently went horribly wrong, and the fugitives just so happened to be face-eating zombies. To be blunt, we've got more Jason Bourne-like zombies streaming out of that building than your everyday Justin Bieber concert.
Sophomore Glen Churvin, who was merrily on his way to buy some of those new Subway breakfasts (quite tasty actually) for the first time, when he witnessed the escape in progress.
""The things looked like they were straight out of that ‘Shaun of the Dead' movie, minus the outrageously funny gore-centered humor. Their eyes were wide open and bloodshot, they had that look the lakeshore kids get when they're all pumped up on Adderall. I quickly learned they were less focused on calculus and econ., and more focused on eating my face, so I dipped.""
Since the escape, the epidemic has spread like wildfire, apparently catching the students of Madison by surprise. Memorial Library was the first to be overcome—it was a regular smorgasbord—and worse yet, they didn't even bother to sign in with their Wiscards at the front desk. Reports show that with just one bite, you'll soon find yourself craving human flesh like you do 10-piece-McNuggets on a drunken Friday night. Witte and Sellery Hall might as well have had ""Free Eats"" pasted on their sides. For some reason though, the ever-growing zombie army completely bypassed the Business School, I suspect because they find its inhabitants stringy and unpleasant tasting.
Thousands of lucky students, particularly the track team members and those more educated in zombie survival (like myself), are holed up in various classrooms and facilities across the campus. Unless you're perfectly fine with the prospect of a serious life-change centered around zombism, I have a few suggestions: Grab a large blunt object (or a sawed-off shotgun), a lighter and something explosive, some canned goods, a bottle of whiskey and get the hell out of dodge.
I'm currently barricaded in the walk-in freezer at the Memorial Union with the few surviving students in the area. Luckily, I have Wi-Fi and enough frozen Badger Burgers to feed several Rosie O'Donnells for at least an hour. The only problem is that we don't know how to turn the damned freezer off. I'm not too concerned though. I'd rather freeze to death than be faced with the prospect of repopulating the earth with these morons. One of the girls won't fucking stop crying... me and a few of the guys are thinking of cramming her into the cold air duct before our digits begin to slowly turn to ice, essentially saving us from the cold and her ear-piercing cries for salvation.
Alive? Let us known by e-mailing Andrew at aplahr@wisc.edu
