Now that Conan's off the air, and considering the fact that SNL hasn't been momentarily funny for as long as I've been alive, there's seldom a reason for me to consider watching NBC. This is all about to change though, as it does every two years for a few brief weeks. The winter Olympics will be coming to NBC soon, bringing millions of viewers with it, all eager to see Amurrica do what it does best...beat the tar out of other countries in acts of physical strength and dexterity. Knowing that the U.S.A is (as usual) going to be dolling out the usual dose of whoop-ass, along with the fact that the majority of the events really aren't that fun to watch for long periods of time anyway, one must ask a very important question: Why the hell do Americans abandon their usual modes of entertainment to tune in to the Winter Olympics so consistently? Luckily, I think I may have found the answer. Here are a few of the most popular (and unpopular) events, and the real reason Americans are actually watching them.
Ski-Jumping- This one is obvious. People love watching these graceful athletes glide through the air for one reason: the landing. I'm not talking about dainty, well-executed landings where record distances are set, but the kind where the athlete eats powder in a terrible but incredibly entertaining botched landing. It only makes things more fun when the unfortunate skier is German, Swiss or Canadian. Everyone knows they think they're Gods on skis, and it makes the humbling carnage at the end of the flight oh-so-sweet.
Biathlon- If you need an explanation of what this event actually is, I don't blame you. It's the one where skiers race with guns on their backs, and at several points during the race have to shoot at targets quickly and accurately. Let's face it, this event isn't still alive because of the skiing, it's the rifles on the competitor's backs. Americans get excited when they see guns. Even chess would be fun to watch if each competitor carried a loaded sidearm. This confusion and perplexity with the guns keeps Americans entertained just long enough to keep biathlons afloat. Still, we all know how much more successful this event would be if the rifles were used, not on targets, but on other competitors during the race, in an all out fast-paced bloodbath to the finish line.
Bobsled- I still maintain that if the hit movie ""Cool Runnings"" starring John Candy and an underdog Jamaican Bobsled team didn't show every five minutes on TNT, this event would have been cancelled long ago. I guess the only entertainment in this event is hearing the crazed pump-up chants the different countries yell to themselves before plummeting down the long, icy tube. Oh, and every once in a while the bobsled flies over the walls in a sharp, out-of-control turn, which is pretty fun to see too.
Curling- Do I even need to say anything? This sport, which involves sweeping the ice in front of a slow-moving rock, is so stupid that you can't look away. I watched it for a half hour the first time I witnessed this excuse for human competition, laughing the first 15 minutes thinking that it was a big Olympic-sized joke by NBC. The next 15 minutes I spent trying to figure out the rules... still haven't actually. I would argue that half the curling viewers are blazed out of their minds, finding this sport an appropriate speed and complexity for their current mindset, and giggling along the way. I can't blame them.
Speed Skating- This is the one that Koreans (of the South variety) are bomb as hell at. They're better at speed skating than they are at making microscopic phones. The Koreans win almost every year. Except for that one year, when American Apolo Anton Ohno (the dude with the bandanas and half-assed soul patch) didn't eat shit around the last turn and actually won one event. I think one of the Koreans that lost actually committed hari-kiri with his skate the following day as a result. This might be the reason why Americans are still tuning in to this sport, but once they realize Ohno was just a fluke, I'm sure speed skating will go the way of mixed-doubles curling (cancelled this year if you can believe it).
Watch the Olympics for other reasons? E-mail Andrew at aplahr@wisc.edu, though he knows you're all lying to him.
