I was on my way back to the dorms after a vigorous day of protesting those crazy liberal protestors down at the Capitol with my buddy Carl from the local gun club, when I stumbled across my floormate working on some big biology project. He was really having a hard time with it because he said it involved a lot of research and source-checking and stuff of that matter. He asked me to read it over and tell him what I thought about it, which surprised me because people usually don't ask for my input on just about anything, but I obliged. I read it over, and I won't lie, there was a lot of scienc-y stuff in there. About three-quarters the way through I realized he was writing about the stuff my ma and pa told me to steer clear of. I am speaking, of course, about evolution. When I realized the sin I had just committed, I immediately dropped what I was reading (which actually wasn't a fantastic idea because it was his brand new MacBook). He got real mad after I did that and got up lookin' for a fight, I suppose. Usually I'm prepared for such confrontations, but I quickly realized I left my concealable spray can of bear mace in my bear-hunting jacket (what was I thinking?). Bummer. I'm really not all that big of a guy but I'm quick as a hot-to-trot buck during the rut, so I just kind of ran away at that point.
Flustered by such blatant liberal propaganda, I threw in a large chew and cranked some Kenny Chesney to find my chi. Needless to say, I had some serious soul-searching to do. I couldn't get those fancy words out of my head. Those blasphemous words floated around in there, popping up at the worst times. ""Natural selection,"" ""analogous structures,"" ""Darwinism"" and ""The Beagle's Voyage,"" just to name a few. It felt like the devil himself was trapped in my skull. The very idea that these fools and their left-winged biases actually believed the Earth is over 4.5 billion years old, and that all living things descended from a pool of some sludge just sickens me! I'll tell you one thing, I know for a fact that some monkey didn't just crap out my great grandma. In fact, I'm pretty sure my great-great-grandma did.
I don't read all that much (it makes my brain hurt), but let me tell you one thing: I've read the Good Book front to back, and if the Good Book says the earth snapped into existence 6,000 years ago, well that's just how it went. Those crazies down University Avenue at the genetics building will say stuff like ""you can't possibly start an entire population from two people"" and all that other liberal nonsense, but one time back home, two of my cousins got married and had a kid, and he was just fine (except for that miniscule nub of a third arm). I'll be damned if some fancy-schmancy professor is gonna tell me that that ain't the truth. It's time people started getting educated, I say. Just because some old English phony sailed around the world and did a lot of thinking about our origins and took a lot of samples and fossils and stuff doesn't mean I'm some descendant of some type of Homo habilis and a whole bunch of other homos.
It's time America woke up I say, and though I got kinda lazy and haven't done all that much research or stuff, let me tell you, I'm correct about this evolution nonsense. How, you ask? Everyone back home says so, that's how. I propose a full recall of all materials regarding such heresy; Anyone with a brain knows it's all just a fad anyway. Hell, where I'm from we don't even teach science, much less earth history unless you're learnin' about something you're hunting so you can find a way to kill it faster. Which reminds me, I got a ""deer-shinin"" date with this babe I met at Fleet Farm. Keep fightin' the good fight!
Think the rest of this liberal rag you call a newspaper needs some Bible study lessons? E-mail Andrew at aplahr@wisc.edu to organize a protest outside Vilas.
