In a classic 2020 what-the-fuck plot twist, the University of Wisconsin Police Department attacked ASM Chair Matthew Mitnick on Twitter with a strikingly large amount of confidence — especially for a department which faces a crisis of public confidence.
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In lieu of canceled presidential debate, Fox News to just air ninety minutes of Trump screaming at a Mr. Potato Head
The Presidential Debate Commission has canceled the second debate, initially set to be held on Oct. 16, in order to curb the spread of the coronavirus after Trump yielded a positive test. A virtual debate was suggested to both the candidates, however, Trump declined because of some bullshit his team made up — I don’t even know.
Aides of Sen. Ron Johnson, R-Wis., are unsure how to approach their boss, who has vehemently opposed mask mandates with the information that a moon suit would do the same thing as a mask but be so much stupider. This crisis among the staff members comes after Sen. Johnson said he would vote to appoint Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court in person despite testing positive for COVID-19, saying “I’ll wear a moon suit if I have to.”
One week after their bold decision to vote “no confidence” in the UW-Madison Police Department, Associated Students of Madison have moved to voice their disapproval for another problematic institution at the university.
Man wants to jump off bridge after Presidential Debate but doesn’t trust structural integrity of America’s bridges
It wasn’t a debate. It was an infomercial for anger management. It was what happens when Tom Hanks and John Goodman haven’t eaten their Snickers. It’s what it’s like to watch Step Brothers with drunk goggles for your ears. It was nails on a chalkboard if you had cheated on the chalk board with the nails. It’s what you can expect if Walmart started selling ‘Divorced Parents in a Can.’ It was a punch in the stomach for America. And it drove area man Lloyd Bedfordsmanberg to the edge.
In an interview with campus newspapers on Tuesday, Chancellor Rebecca Blank stated that the removal of a historic statue of Abraham Lincoln on Bascom Hill was a “nonstarter,” shutting down demands made by various BIPOC organizations and individuals on campus who have claimed the statue serves to reinforce white supremacy.
UWPD officers arrested all members of ASM Wednesday morning to show how well they can do their job following the campus organization’s vote of No Confidence in UWPD on Tuesday night.
Associated Students of Madison has opened up an investigation into Becky Blank’s alleged collusion with the coronavirus, according to a statement from the ASM Press Office this morning. A special counsel will be appointed in the coming weeks and begin investigating the Chancellor.
In a semester that is now entirely online, several professors have chosen to implement new technology to ensure academic honesty. Many classes now require students to use certain programs which can detect if students open up a new window during online exams, or even video a student’s room to catch if notes are being used.
With decline in number of students lost in Humanities labyrinth, Minotaur from third floor using newfound free time to find love
In a typical semester, the Humanities Building Minotaur, Pete McChompsalot (A.K.A. Sir Chompsalot, AKA. Peter the Student Eater, AKA. 2Chompz), has a full schedule ripping arms and biting heads off of all the lost students of Humanities who cross his path on the third floor. However, since the onset of the coronavirus pandemic which forced the majority of classes to go online, McChompsalot has been severely starved for activity.
Controversy has mounted recently in response to a tweet by Starship robot F13G78A2, who simply goes by Helen. After tweeting — and then deleting — a post on Thursday which read “Starship Lives Matter,” many have spoken out saying that the tweet was offensive and inappropriate.
In the era of coronavirus nothing matters anymore, so why is it still so hard to win a stuffed animal from a claw machine?
Whether it’s by the women’s restroom at Dave & Buster's or tucked away behind the electronic dart board at your local pizza restaurant, the claw machine continues to be the bane of human existence. It is indiscriminate. Regardless of race, class or religion, the claw machine will stare you down and assert its almighty dominance.
Due to the global coronavirus pandemic, Dean of Students Lori Berquam wasn’t the only one saying “don’t go” to Mifflin this year. Governor Evers got in on the action by passing the "Safer at Home" order which prohibits public gatherings until May 26th. Of course, that didn’t stop the most ‘murican of Americans from descending on Madtown for the occasion.
Evers: Illinois residents to be placed on each street corner as encouragement for Wisconsinites to stay inside
Nothing makes a Wisconsinite’s skin crawl more than a goddamn FIB (Fucking Illinois Bastard) cutting across four lanes of traffic while eating a deep-dish pizza so you can stare at the Chicago Bears decal and license plate border on the back of their compact sedan. FIBs are to Sconnies as treadmills to Chris Christie.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Announcing an end to their use of superdelegates, the Democratic Party plans to interfere with democratic process using far subtler method: Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots
As of Monday, the Democratic Party announced that they will no longer use superdelegates to nominate a candidate for the general election. Rather, in order to interfere with the process of selecting a Democratic nominee, the party will instead force the candidates to play each other in a game of Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots — a method far less obvious and intrusive than giving high-ranking party officials the opportunity to nominate a candidate potentially over the veto of the voter base.
TAMPA, Fla. — As of this past week, it was confirmed that Tom Brady is social distancing from the New England Patriots, meaning that team members will now only be able to digitally slap him on the ass after a good play. After 20 seasons and six Super Bowl wins with the franchise, a coronavirus pandemic is what it took to finally end Brady’s time with the Patriots.
For a band that openly rejects genre labels, Railroad Earth brought just the type of musical versatility they advertise during their show at The Sylvee on March 5. Performing styles ranging from jam band rock to pure bluegrass, Railroad Earth’s range of music melded together to create an upbeat and energetic atmosphere that readily engaged their devoted fanbase.
STEM departments uncancel class: “Coronavirus panic creates exact type of stressful environment we want to train our students to thrive in”
ECB OR E-HALL OR SOME SHIT — Following the decision by the University of Wisconsin-Madison to cancel face-to-face instruction after spring break and until April 10th, the university’s STEM departments have collectively announced that they will still hold class in defiance of the university’s decision.