Almanac

A guide to celebrating Halloween during a pandemic

You can’t. It’s cancelled.

Lol jk! Got you there! But no, Halloween is, in fact, still on for this year – Becky Blank and the other Big 10 chancellors voted unanimously to keep it. It will obviously look very different this year, however. Due to social distancing guidelines there won’t be any tricking or treating or going to parties and hooking up with tons of babes in slutty costumes, which is, um, obviously what I would be doing if I could (just smile and nod).

But perhaps the biggest thing Halloween will be missing, due to the limited gathering size, is the presence of all the Halloween stereotypes. You know, a mom handing out candy, the kid whose costume is the mask from ‘Scream,’ a little girl crying after some asshole made their Halloween decorations too scary, her angsty teenage sister who can’t believe she has to deal with this when she’s supposed doing oxy at the Misfits concert, the haunted doll that stabs grandma, the jack-o-lantern that prophesized the haunted killing in hieroglyphic carvings … the classics.

However, we here at Almanac have a way to fill the void left by all of the spooky Halloween characters: you must be them all. That’s right! Help save Halloween by acting in all of the Halloween roles instead of just the one you usually play!

For example, instead of spending Halloween nailing all of the scandalously dressed baberinos (which, again, is definitely what happens) my Halloween night would start by baking a bunch of candy with razor blades to hand out (hey, someone has to do it). When that is finished, then I’d, haunt my neighbor, film a documentary about politics, hit a toddler dressed as Buzz Lightyear with my truck, cheat on my husband with the nerd at the library on Halloween, destroy a potato farm, thwart a coup in Angola and, finally, take not, one, not two, but six pieces of candy when the bowl clearly says “take one.” Again, the classic Halloween stereotypes that we all experience every year.

So, if you follow this one simple piece of advice, I guarantee you’ll have as good of a Halloween night as you’ve ever had. And if you don’t, I’ll eat your family.

Almanac is our home for satire, sex, creative writing and much more. Satirical articles are intended as such.

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