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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Monday, June 14, 2021
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Hot, popular girl you hated in high school has developed late onset acne that somehow further accentuates her jawline

All articles featured in Almanac are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

In a bittersweet turn of events, the hot, popular girl you hated in high school has developed late onset acne which, contrary to all three of Newton’s laws of physics, somehow further accentuates her flawless jawline.

Eliza Fredricksmeyer, the aforementioned hot, popular girl — toward whom you harbor feelings of resentment because she was hot and popular — seemed as if she would finally be brought to justice for the crimes of possessing positive qualities you did not when she began developing late onset acne at the age of 27. It was a moment of great hope for the nation, with figment-of-your-imagination Anderson Cooper as well as 97 percent of fictional scientists predicting that the end of Fredricksmeyer’s innate good fortune was on the horizon.

Fast forward 18 months, however, and a now 29-year-old Fredricksmeyer possesses an even more defined jawline than before. The color contrast has, against all odds, highlighted a natural beauty, while also providing a precise and radiating cheekbone contour. It’s a look that also invents an aura of relatability and approachability, which only serves to make her that much hotter.

“God Damnit,” you said, after seeing her in a TV ad for Match.com.

While it is unclear why this event deserves your attention in the first place, it is certain that it’s the greatest injustice of 2020. How could figment-of-your-imagination Anderson Cooper have gotten it all so wrong?

“It is certain there’s no God,” you’ve concluded.

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