Skip to Content, Navigation, or Footer.
The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, June 14, 2024

List: Instances where counting all the votes is a bad thing

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

If you’re in charge of planning the office Christmas party

If you’ve been tasked with planning the office Christmas party this year, democracy may not be in your favor. In this instance, rather, it’s best to just make some executive decisions. The last thing you need is a vote which elects ice cream cake as the main dessert (which will happen since the electoral college is heavily skewed toward the accounting department). Now, you’ve got to figure out how to keep the ice cream cake cold throughout the day, but you know you can’t leave it in the office fridge because that’s within 100ft of Debbie. And Debbie will sniff it out. So you problem solve by reserving a cake to pick up just before the party. Except when you get there you realize the cake is freaking huge! And in your struggle to carry it from the store to the car, you drop your keys in the sewer. Now you have to wait for Triple A to come rescue you, and the ice cream is beginning to melt because it’s 85° in December because of global-fucking-warming. By the time you’re rescued, you’ve wasted $45 on a cake, delayed the start of the party and gotten your dress all sweaty. So, maybe don’t count the votes if you’re planning an office Christmas party, just get a chocolate cake.

If you don’t have sufficient evidence to identify the imposter

If you’ve ever played Among Us, you know that some real corrupt shit can go down. Consider the following scenario: Lime has called an emergency meeting because he suspects Purple has been faking a task. Except, you were in the room with Purple when Lime called the meeting, and you know Purple was doing a real task. In fact, you were with Purple in reactor as well, and if Purple was the imposter you would be dead for sure. But Lime continues to insist, and you can’t speak because you made an incorrect accusation earlier in the game so defending Purple will for sure get you voted out of the spaceship. Counting all the votes in this scenario is certainly frustrating, you know that they will be reflective of Lime’s incorrect read and not the truth, which is that you’re the imposter.

If you can’t count higher than 10

If you can’t count higher than ten, it’s probably best that you’re not the one counting votes. In any instance. That’s really all there is to say about that.

*Notable exception: The 2020 Presidential Fucking Election

Support your local paper
Donate Today
The Daily Cardinal has been covering the University and Madison community since 1892. Please consider giving today.

Powered by SNworks Solutions by The State News
All Content © 2024 The Daily Cardinal