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Sunday, May 09, 2021
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UWPD lashes out at ASM Chair with very high degree of confidence

All articles featured in Almanac are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

In a classic 2020 what-the-fuck plot twist, the University of Wisconsin Police Department attacked ASM Chair Matthew Mitnick on Twitter with a strikingly large amount of confidence — especially for a department which faces a crisis of public confidence.

Following a tweet on Mitnick’s personal account, in which he expressed an opinion that conflicted with the stance he held as a representative of ASM, UWPD responded, tweeting “Waaa waaa waaa. We’re a bunch of salty, immature cry-babies who are inept at dealing with justified criticism by activist college students. @matthewmitnick_ is a total meaniepants and we hate him. #mixedmessages”


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ASM Vice Chair Aerin Leigh Lammers weighed in on the incident, saying that UWPD’s twitter attack would be inappropriate no matter what Mitnick tweeted. “If he had said ‘UW Police Chief Kristen Roman is a Singaporean iguana who is coming to take away our chewing gum,’ then sure, it would be concerning, but UWPD would still be wildly unjustified in attacking an individual student on social fucking media,” said Lammers in an official statement.

Following the exchange, UWPD spokesperson Marc Lovicott doubled down and defended the police department’s Twitter attack. “UWPD feels threatened by literally one tweet from a college student, and so we will be the bigger person by reacting emotionally and irrationally,” Lovicott said. “We are also oblivious as to how this could support the narrative that we are not to be trusted, so we will conclude by saying Matthew Mitnick is a big stinky backstabber who breastfed until he was 14.”

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