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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, June 14, 2024
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Almanac editor leaves position, embarks on intergalactic expedition in search of new species that like his writing

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

After his reign of terror at The Daily Cardinal’s Almanac desk, editor Jordan Simon announced that he will be leaving his position in order to begin the next chapter in his life. Simon has announced his plans to embark on an intergalactic space mission where he will search for extraterrestrial life that actually likes his writing. The launch date is not confirmed but will reportedly occur as soon as Simon finds a gas station that sells space diesel.

“I’ve been going about this all wrong,” epiphanied Jordster the Intergalactic Explorer — Simon’s space name — from the Almanac desk late Tuesday night, as he paused from struggling through a clunky satire piece … probably about that time he went to the mall and the employee said that thing that was totally uncalled for. “I’ve been writing for Earthly beings this whole time! No wonder my jokes weren’t landing! I’ve just got to find some extraterrestrials that appreciate my otherworldly sense of humor.”

At that moment, Super Awesome Commander Spaceman Jordan the Beautiful — he goes by many space names — drafted up his Daily Cardinal resignation letter and blasted off into space in search of an audience that was better. Er, well more accurately he bought up all of the Campbell’s cream of mushroom soup cans from the local Kwik Trip as part of his preparations to do so. Nine cans is enough for a month’s long space mission, right?

What? What byline? What do you mean I’m writing an article about myself? That’s a different Jordan! I mean, I’m a different Jordan than the Jordan who is the editor he’s not the me …

Ok it’s time to shut this shit down. Siri, end semester.

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