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Friday, May 09, 2025

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THE BEET

Between the Sheets: How to have your hottest summer yet—the dirty deets

By Anna Welch | May. 3, 2016

Well sweet baby Badgers, it’s been another one for the books. What better way to procrastinate studying for finals than by reading about how to make summer of 2k16 the steamiest one yet?  First, like we all know from every summertime rom-com ever made, getting it on in the water is the sexiest, most summery thing we can do, and there is a 82 percent chance it will turn us all into actual merpeople.  Sexy as it may be, water can wash away our natural lubrication and actually make sex trickier.

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University reminds Russell Wilson not to recite entire Bible during commencement address

By Dylan Anderson | Apr. 28, 2016

The University of Wisconsin-Madison sent a friendly reminder to 2016 Spring Commencement speaker Russell Wilson Thursday asking him to refrain from reciting the entirety of the Holy Bible during his address. The current Seattle Seahawks quarterback and former Badger standout was not asked to leave Christianity out of his speech altogether, but merely to avoid reading all 1,281 pages of the Old and New Testament. “We know that Russell is a Christian, and we absolutely respect that,” UW-Madison Chancellor Rebecca Blank said.

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Locksmith misplaces key to wife’s heart

By Noah Mack | Apr. 28, 2016

Locksmith extraordinaire and aspiring romantic Gunnar Humboldt misplaced the key to his wife’s heart last night causing a rift in their relationship. The locksmith has been married to his wife Rachel for almost 20 years thanks to the handy key.

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Poll: Bascom Hill voted best hill on campus

By Hossein Rostam | Apr. 25, 2016

Bascom Hill cruised to victory in the annual heated and controversial Best Hill competition, drubbing all other prospective hills in a sweeping victory which crushed the hopes of millions looking to celebrate the merits of other inclines and precipices. “We’ve had enough of establishment hills, establishment knolls, and establishment protuberances,” claims one supporter, who went on to claim that the Bascom Hill campaign was only able to win due to connections with big money from UW.

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Between the Sheets: Not your nana's abstinence—sexy tips for students who don't have sex

By Anna Welch | Apr. 18, 2016

In case y’all missed it, last week was sexual health week around the country. Here at UW-Madison we had some dankass events including pole dancing lessons from Miss Pole, a Chimera self-defense class, the screening of the first ever feature-length documentary focussed entirely on masturbation called “Sticky” and even a sexual health carnival in Library Mall with games and hella free safer-sex supplies.

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Almanac Animal Review: Blobfish

By Noah Mack | Apr. 11, 2016

BLOBFISH AT A GLANCE PHYSICAL TRAITS: Complete and total smokeshow, lacks many humanlike traits. CAREER GOALS: Eventually be able to possess some sort of emotion, eventually evolve to possess muscle, go into professional facial advertising. PRIMARY FLAWS: Could probably stand to drop a few pounds but DAMN that face is hot.  SPECIAL ABILITIES: Everybody wants to make out with his beautiful face. PLACE OF RESIDENCE: Deep in the ocean off the coast of New Zealand. Final Score: 3/10 FULL REVIEW: At my most recent family reunion, I was relaxing with my wonderful, genetically linked companions when I made a miraculous discovery about my grandpa Harold. Grandpa Harold has always been an odd man.

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MPD targets voter fraud, arrests dozens wearing ‘I Voted’ stickers

Apr. 7, 2016

Madison police arrested 39  people Tuesday in--- a sticker sting operation aimed at cracking down on voter fraud. Dressed in civilian garb and posted in back alleys and rundown parking lots, MPD officers lured in non-voting but would-be sticker-wearers with subtle head nods and provocative eyebrow raising before administering them a healthy dose of the law. MPD Sergeant Clark Spiegel, who headed the assignment, explained the necessity of the operation. “What people don’t understand is just how ubiquitous voter fraud is.

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Daring sophomore breaks stigma, enjoys iced decaf soy white mocha in public

By Mara Benowitz | Apr. 7, 2016

Library Mall fell silent Thursday afternoon as UW-Madison sophomore Maggie Green made the brave decision to step outside the safety of Starbucks and drink her iced decaf soy white mocha in public view. Green says it was a difficult decision, but she felt it was important for someone to finally break the hurtful stigma around Starbucks’ specialty drinks.  “I feel like girls on this campus are really discriminated against based on our drink color,” she said.

Mrs. Kilgore wasn’t pleased with the Pope’s foot cleaning efforts.
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Pope Francis ‘missed a spot,’ claims woman who had feet cleaned

By Liam Hutchison | Mar. 31, 2016

Following the Catholic tradition of priests washing the feet of their  followers, Meryl Kilgore, a life-long Catholic, expressed her frustration with the low-quality foot bath she received from the Pope. Kilgore, who intentionally did not clean her feet prior to being visited by the Pope, had accumulated a week’s worth of sweat and grime all over her toes, and expected that they would be thoroughly cleaned during the ceremony. “Fer a man in charge of the holy feckin’ Vatican you’d think he’d a done a half decent job a cleanin’ ma tootsies,” said Kilgore in a thick Irish accent. Most of the other church-goers, including famous musician Andrew Hozier-Byrne, gratefully accepted the symbolic gesture of equality and brotherhood from the church’s highest priest. Mrs. Kilgore’s daughter, Mary, spoke to Cardinal reporters (from the paper, not the Vatican) about her mother’s ungracious response to the Pontiff’s gesture. “Part of me agrees with ol’ Mr. Pope on this one.

Kenny Steidewaldt spends all his days alone now. Even the friend he invented for himself doesn’t want to be around him anymore.
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Beloved imaginary friend abandons local child for hipper, funner peers

Mar. 31, 2016

Six-year-old Kenny Steidewaldt spent morning recess Wednesday completely alone, milling aimlessly around the playground kicking small rocks after his imaginary pal, Reggie—an invisible, intangible talking dinosaur—abandoned him to fraternize with the cool kids. The 60-minute period of mind-numbing loneliness is a stark contrast to Kenny’s usual routine of industrious hole-digging with his until-now loyal imaginary buddy. Reports say Reggie spent the period leaning against the brick wall with class favorites and all-around cool kids Jay and Derek, comparing their respective Easter candy hauls. Word on the playground has it Reggie is invited to Derek’s seventh birthday party.

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Almanac Business Help: Tune up your Résumé with guidance from our template

By Noah Mack and Liam Hutchison | Mar. 28, 2016

Mr. Alfred Manac 2142 Vilas Hall, 821 University Avenue, Madison, WI almanac@dailycardinal.com | (608) 262-8000 Education University of Wisconsin- Madison Bachelor of Masters of Doctors of Science, best by: May 2018 Major: Geometry (Post-Euclidian) Certificates for: Participation, Orange Peeling Semi-Cumulative Self-Reported GPA: 4.0; Jimmy Dean’s List (3 Semesters Primary Qualifications ·       Standing vertical jump of 18 inches (45.72 centimeters) ·       Able to whistle every melody from Neil Diamond’s 1969 hit album Touching You, Touching Me ·       Over 10,000 neural pathways ·       Personable and outgoing ·       Lifelong connoisseur of fine Egyptian linens and canned beer Criminal Exploits ·       Murder Convictions: 0 (.5) ·       Most Recent Felonies: Loitering, littering, laddering, liberding ·       No shoplifting convictions ·       Except for that one time ·       Please don’t tell Family History ·       Grandmother was a strong German woman with a penchant for drinking and the strongest forearms east of Berlin ·       Grandfather was a sailing man ·       Descendent of Adam and/or Eve ·       Family tree is a Lodgepole Pine, family shrub is Witch Hazel ·    Spent childhood roaming the plains of the Blackfoot River in Montana, where I learned to fly fish and frolicked with all of God’s creatures.

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