The Beet

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Almanac animal review: Gerenuk

I was at the Ohio State football game last week and this asshole of an animal, the Gerenuk, was just blatantly blocking my view.

MLA unveils trendy “Times Old Roman” font to get back in touch with millenials

The Modern Language Association announced their hip “Times Old Roman” font to appeal to a younger audience, a change which outraged professors and old stubborn writers everywhere. The changes to the both beloved and hated “Times New Roman” font include a revamped look and a complete abolition of the English language in place of ancient roman script. Kwame Anthony Appiah, president of MLA, felt his consumer base was stuck under the tyranny of his older font “Times New Roman” for far too long.

City of Cleveland Agrees to Trade Browns for a Vending Machine

After the the Browns lost to the Tennessee Titans earlier in the week and dropped to an NFL worst record of 0-6, Mayor Frank G.

Wisconsin Rowing Team to Host 4,000 Boat Re-Enactment of Epic Ancient Naval Battle

The UW rowing team annonced they would re-enact The Battle of Salamis, an epic ancient naval battle. The Battle of Salamis was a naval engagement in 480 B.C.

Thinking about voting? Don’t bother!

Pepe the Frog resigns due to potential Nazi affiliations

In a groundbreaking development in a growing scandal, Pepe the Frog resigned from his position as High Lord of the internet as surmounting evidence tied him to the Nazi Party. Throughout 2016, images of Pepe, known publicly for his laid back “feels good” attitude, began surfacing of him in the likeness of Adolf Hitler.

Pointless startup aims to solve nonexistent, first-world problem

The IntelliTech convention in Palo Alto, Calif., was alive with wonder. Startups from Silicon Valley, Seattle, Portland, Los Angeles and beyond had congregated for days to network, trade ideas and pitch their groundbreaking innovations. Stars of the show included MediScan, which can detect cancer growth through a smartphone-based imaging application, and Devia, a motion-tracking app which alerts caretakers of mentally ill individuals to adverse behaviors like pacing or wandering away.

Adorable freshman requests one marijuana from his first dealer

Mathew Grimes, a delightful little freshman, ordered a single marijuana from a dealer last Friday night in an attempt to really take his dorm party to the next level. The recent high school grad felt that although his party was “already lit,” he really wanted to “get some green.” Cardinal reporters on the scene followed the freshman and his posse of nervous friends to Mathew’s cousin’s friend’s brother Justin’s apartment. The deal took place on the third floor of 420 W.

Between the Sheets: Part-two of a beginner’s guide to kinky communication!

Last week I broke down some kinky key terms and how kink works. This week I’m laying out how kinky communication can be (and should be) applied to any kind of sex.  To fully understand the term “kink” I recommend giving last week’s article a read, but for a quick review, kink refers to “an exchange of power between people that can be physical, erotic, sexual, psychological, spiritual, or, most often, some combination,” kink includes “BDSM, sadomasochism, kinky sex, dominance and submission, role play, sex games, fantasy, fetish, and other alternative erotic expressions,” (definition borrowed from “The Ultimate Guide to Kink, BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge” by Tristan Taormino.)  Vanilla is a term often used by kinky folks to describe sex that isn’t kinky.

Misheard Movie Quotes

1. “E.T. bone gnome.” -Perverted alien 2.

Police unable to stem theft, shift focus to aggressive parking ticket campaign

Following a number of failed attempts by Madison police and UW-Madison to reduce bicycle and other petty theft on campus, MPD Chief Mike Koval issued a statement indicating the department’s new focus. “To effectively utilize our resources, we must focus on what we can do best,” Kovel said during the groundbreaking press conference.

Scott Walker proposes replacing SERF rec facility with 272-foot-tall statue of self

The SERF, slated for demolition May 1, has been zoned for a new recreational facility. Construction on the structure is planned for early 2017.

Voters unaware that Jill Stein was giving them the silent treatment

In July, in a Green Party press release, presidential candidate Jill Stein outlined her plans to give America the “silent treatment.” Stein stated that until voters decide to act their age, they would not receive any attention from her.

The Five Marks of a Good President

Well folks, election season is almost upon us. This year we have two awesome contenders for the elusive Oval Office: Democrat Hillary Rodham Clinton and Republican Donald “Kingslayer” Trump, who earned his nickname for his striking resemblance to “Game of Thrones” character Jamie “Kingslayer” Lannister. If you are one of the many people who think either candidate would be awful, federalism does a decent job of stunting executive power, so fret not.

Between the Sheets: A guide to kinky communication: part 1

What do you think of when you hear the terms “Kinky” or “BDSM?” Do they conjure images of dominatrixes with whips?

Britain votes to leave European continent

The Parliament of Great Britain voted, in a sudden measure Sept. 26, to leave the European continent.

Hillary Clinton voted America’s sexiest candidate

A poll of UW students has shown Hillary Clinton is considered the sexiest presidential candidate, followed closely by Gary Johnson, with Donald Trump and Jill Stein tied for third place.  This poll comes on the heels of Monday night’s presidential debate, where Donald Trump presented carefully thought-out policy decisions while Ms. Clinton presented a shiny pantsuit. “She’s lit af,” claims sophomore Abby Schmaltz, “Next Saturday.

Wisconsin fan intercepts Michigan State QB Tyler O’Connor from the stands

Late in the third quarter of Saturday’s Badgers triumph at Michigan State, one Badgers fan made a crucial play that would seal the Badgers commanding lead for good. With four minutes left to play in the quarter, on a 3rd-down and 14, Michigan State QB Tyler O’Connor dropped back to pass when he saw Badgers LB Jack Cichy coming around the left end of the offensive line.

The Screeching Summer Solstice

 “Shit!” I yell as I scramble out of bed at 5:20 a.m.

Naive freshman answers call from parents while at party

Stumbling through a room full of girls he had failed to get the numbers of, Matt Blaker, a UW-Madison freshman, had one task on his mind: successfully convincing his parents that he was anything but partying. Correspondents on the scene of a Mifflin Street house party last Friday night reportedly overheard bits and pieces of a disgruntled phone call he was engaged in at 1:45 in the morning. “I don’t think he realized that anyone talking to him over the phone would have heard Kanye West playing in the background,” said a field reporter. “It was a mess,” another correspondent stated.