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The Almanac Presents: Misheard Quotes
By Noah Mack and Marc Tost | Sep. 12, 2016The Almanac Presents: Misheard Quotes “Don’t smile because it’s over.
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Top nine things you can do to repay your debt to Harambe the great:
By Noah Mack and Marc Tost | Sep. 6, 20161. Actually visit Cleveland, Ohio 2.
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Almanac Animal Review: Atretochoana eiselti
By Noah Mack | Sep. 6, 2016Atretochoana eiselti at a glance: PHYSICAL TRAITS: Not a whole lot going on.
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Almanac Animal Review: Bald Eagle
By Noah Mack | Jul. 11, 2016Bald Eagle at a glance PHYSICAL TRAITS: A big, beautiful, bountiful and bodacious bald head, beady little eyes. CAREER GOALS: Spread democracy to the heathens overseas.
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Trump pre-orders Iron Throne replica in anticipation of winning election
By Marc Tost | Jul. 11, 2016The conventions for the Democratic and Republican parties are just around the corner, and the general election season is heating up.
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Cleveland Indians will transition to more accurate logo in 2017
By Dylan Anderson | Jun. 10, 2016Beginning in 2017, the Cleveland Indians will replace their red-faced ‘Chief Wahoo’ logo with what the organization has called a more accurate depiction of the team’s name. The future logo will feature an offensive caricature of a man from the country of India, rather than one of a Native American man.
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Alert zookeeper shoots penguin that was ‘looking at toddler funny’
By Marc Tost | Jun. 10, 2016MINNEAPOLIS — The Minnesota Zoo was struck by tragedy this Wednesday, as one of its last remaining male African penguins was fatally shot by a zookeeper. The incident occurred in the afternoon, at peak visiting hours during a special penguin showing.
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SOAR to include new mandatory workshop: how to kick belligerent drunks out of your dorm room
Jun. 10, 2016A result of past student feedback, this summer’s Student Orientation, Advising and Registration is mandating an hour-long workshop on practical solutions for dealing with late-night alcohol consumption in residence halls. Goading Inebriated Tramps to Orient Undertakings That-a-way (GIT-OUT), the debut SOAR workshop, is designed to tackle the future reality many burgeoning Badgers will face head-on: drunk people in their dorm room, potentially on either a weekend or a a school night. The workshop is designed with a simple, three-step lesson plan in mind, according to GIT-OUT coordinator Halls Banks. “The first step is empathy.
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Between the Sheets: How to have your hottest summer yet—the dirty deets
By Anna Welch | May. 3, 2016Well sweet baby Badgers, it’s been another one for the books. What better way to procrastinate studying for finals than by reading about how to make summer of 2k16 the steamiest one yet? First, like we all know from every summertime rom-com ever made, getting it on in the water is the sexiest, most summery thing we can do, and there is a 82 percent chance it will turn us all into actual merpeople. Sexy as it may be, water can wash away our natural lubrication and actually make sex trickier.
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France proactively surrenders WWIII
By Marc Tost | Apr. 28, 2016PARIS – After a series of high-level meetings, French president François Hollande announced that the nation of France officially surrenders the next major world conflict.
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University reminds Russell Wilson not to recite entire Bible during commencement address
By Dylan Anderson | Apr. 28, 2016The University of Wisconsin-Madison sent a friendly reminder to 2016 Spring Commencement speaker Russell Wilson Thursday asking him to refrain from reciting the entirety of the Holy Bible during his address. The current Seattle Seahawks quarterback and former Badger standout was not asked to leave Christianity out of his speech altogether, but merely to avoid reading all 1,281 pages of the Old and New Testament. “We know that Russell is a Christian, and we absolutely respect that,” UW-Madison Chancellor Rebecca Blank said.
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Locksmith misplaces key to wife’s heart
By Noah Mack | Apr. 28, 2016Locksmith extraordinaire and aspiring romantic Gunnar Humboldt misplaced the key to his wife’s heart last night causing a rift in their relationship. The locksmith has been married to his wife Rachel for almost 20 years thanks to the handy key.
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Almanac Animal Review: Domestic Cat
By Noah Mack | Apr. 25, 2016Domestic Cat at a glance: PHYSICAL TRAITS: Everything about it is disgusting.
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Steps to effectively protest a Trump rally
By Liam Hutchison | Apr. 25, 20161. The day before the rally, gather 10-20 strong-willed friends with sturdy gastrointestinal tracts.
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Poll: Bascom Hill voted best hill on campus
By Hossein Rostam | Apr. 25, 2016Bascom Hill cruised to victory in the annual heated and controversial Best Hill competition, drubbing all other prospective hills in a sweeping victory which crushed the hopes of millions looking to celebrate the merits of other inclines and precipices. “We’ve had enough of establishment hills, establishment knolls, and establishment protuberances,” claims one supporter, who went on to claim that the Bascom Hill campaign was only able to win due to connections with big money from UW.
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Between the Sheets: Not your nana's abstinence—sexy tips for students who don't have sex
By Anna Welch | Apr. 18, 2016In case y’all missed it, last week was sexual health week around the country. Here at UW-Madison we had some dankass events including pole dancing lessons from Miss Pole, a Chimera self-defense class, the screening of the first ever feature-length documentary focussed entirely on masturbation called “Sticky” and even a sexual health carnival in Library Mall with games and hella free safer-sex supplies.
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Nigerian prince expected better response to mass email
By Marc Tost | Apr. 14, 2016NIGERIA—After a week of turmoil in Nigeria, the militant leader General Abodom has seized power of the small west African nation.
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Almanac Animal Review: Blobfish
By Noah Mack | Apr. 11, 2016BLOBFISH AT A GLANCE PHYSICAL TRAITS: Complete and total smokeshow, lacks many humanlike traits. CAREER GOALS: Eventually be able to possess some sort of emotion, eventually evolve to possess muscle, go into professional facial advertising. PRIMARY FLAWS: Could probably stand to drop a few pounds but DAMN that face is hot. SPECIAL ABILITIES: Everybody wants to make out with his beautiful face. PLACE OF RESIDENCE: Deep in the ocean off the coast of New Zealand. Final Score: 3/10 FULL REVIEW: At my most recent family reunion, I was relaxing with my wonderful, genetically linked companions when I made a miraculous discovery about my grandpa Harold. Grandpa Harold has always been an odd man.
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Can You Watch My Stuff?
By Liam Hutchison | Apr. 11, 2016The library was nearly empty when it happened, save for a few caffeine-fueled souls fighting their way through last-minute essays and cramming for exams.
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MPD targets voter fraud, arrests dozens wearing ‘I Voted’ stickers
Apr. 7, 2016Madison police arrested 39 people Tuesday in--- a sticker sting operation aimed at cracking down on voter fraud. Dressed in civilian garb and posted in back alleys and rundown parking lots, MPD officers lured in non-voting but would-be sticker-wearers with subtle head nods and provocative eyebrow raising before administering them a healthy dose of the law. MPD Sergeant Clark Spiegel, who headed the assignment, explained the necessity of the operation. “What people don’t understand is just how ubiquitous voter fraud is.
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