The Beet

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Geraniums

I stared at him as he pulled death from his left breast pocket, Newports.

UW-Madison student appeals exam grade citing ‘alternative correctness’

On Tuesday, freshman chemistry student Henry Fischer submitted his most recent exam to be regraded, asserting that his answers were not in fact wrong, but were “alternatively orrect.”    During the exam, which took place on Monday a week prior, Fischer discovered that his high school study tactic of spending the majority of his waking hours watching Netflix, and not studying until the night before, had not prepared him to adequately answer questions regarding stoichiometry or the ideal gas law.

Stressed bear continues to hibernate to avoid his problems

   Deep in the Redwood Forest in northern California lies a very peaceful, undisturbed bear.

Kim-Jong Un enraged as missile falls off trailer during parade, snaps in half

During a scheduled military rally in Pyongyang Friday, an unexpected turn of events resulted in a live ballistic missile falling off a trailer in the middle of the street, halting the parade and sending Kim Jong-Un into a frenzy.

How to have a cheap Valentine’s Day

It’s now nearing that oh-so-special time of year and you need to make it the best Valentine’s Day possible.

Whispering Sweet Nothings

The history of Hallmark

A long time ago, there was a small mystical creature, named Cupid. He flew around the world with his fairy wings, and used his magic arrows to cause humans to fall in love.

Wisconsin legislature passes Canine Campus Carry law

In a shocking development, Wisconsin legislators announced that beginning on Feb. 29, 2017, dogs of all breeds will be able to open carry on the UW-Madison campus.

Cupid: ‘Smartphone use is interfering with my work’

Valentine’s Day: a day devoted to romance, usually involving heart-shaped chocolate boxes, dinner dates and bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon.

Trump signs trillion-dollar executive order on space wall

President Donald Trump signed into law Wednesday the latest in his administration’s flurry of executive orders, calling for the immediate erection of a space wall between the upper stratosphere and lower magnetosphere.

Sex with Syd: How social media is ruining sex

I’m new to The Daily Cardinal and when I was brainstorming topics for my new column, Sex with Syd, I kept circling back to a topic that has been bothering me a lot recently.

‘I’m Just a Bill’ played by White House staff following president’s 10th executive order

Late Tuesday night the famous Schoolhouse Rock song “I’m Just a Bill” was played in the Oval office for President Trump following the 10th executive order signed since his recent inauguration. White House staff members explained to reporters that although it seems Trump has ignored the legislative branch recently, it just comes down to a basic misunderstanding of the entire Democratic process. “Of course I know what checks and balances are” said Trump after being asked some basic political questions by Cardinal reporters on the scene.

Russian ties may indicate political experience, Trump voters concerned

During the tumultuous time surrounding the transfer of power between former President Obama and President Trump, allegations have surfaced that Trump may have a more long-standing relationship with Russia, Vladimir Putin, and Russian businesses than he indicated.

Moraine

there is a witch in the kettles, whose house is in a subtle glen. she brews in a lakebed cauldron and picks her teeth with arrowheads.

TindIRL app available just in time for Valentine’s Day

Do you have a hard time matching with people on Tinder? Has your mother told you she’s worried she’ll never have grandchildren?

The Almanac presents: Talking topics for your next dreamy date

We all know the shiny (and often misplaced) key to a successful date is thoughtful conversation. But in times like these, locating that key amid the patchwork of memes, passwords, fanatical behaviors and psychological scarring that fills our minds can be difficult.

‘Monopoly: Real Estate Con Artist’ hitting shelves soon

The objective of the new Parker Brothers game, which retails for $49.99, is personal gain. Each player begins in a separate city, and from there they embark on risky—and opulently expensive—construction projects.

Michelle Obama reveals husband is no lame duck in bed

When Americans voted for the next president in November, President Barack Obama entered the so-called “lame-duck period.” During this time, it is typically considered poor form for the president to pass legislation, especially if his replacement is from the other party. At a recent press conference, however, First Lady Michelle Obama revealed that her husband is no lame duck in their White House bedroom.

Pale ale declared official beer of white supremacists

Citing its crisp, hoppy flavor and innately superior coloration, American white nationalists, commonly known as the “alt-right” (and most accurately known as neo-Nazis) declared Tuesday that American pale ale is the official beverage of choice for those wishing to undermine establishment politics and reinstate a dominative American master race.     Richard Spencer, a prominent white nationalist and long-time pale ale drinker, spoke to The Daily Cardinal following the announcement.

Report: Mother Earth just getting hotter with age

In a recent report by the center for climate change, Mother Earth is one smoking hot planet who just gets even hotter every decade. The all-knowing mysterious woman follows a strict tanning regimen at all times, bathing in the sun’s rays and rubbing a unique combination of Dove’s new “CO2 unleashed” tanning lotion as well as L’Oréal’s Ozone explosion moisturizer.