The Beet

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UW-Madison administration rides out apocalyptic Halloween weekend in fortified Mosse Humanities Building

UW-Madison staff and authorities took shelter in the Mosse Humanities Building over Halloween weekend as hordes of drunken students swarmed the capitol, an official UW-Madison press release stated. After the federal government declined the university’s request for National Guard assistance, UW-Madison administration fled Bascom Hall for safety within the thick concrete walls of the Humanities Building.  “They were stacking sandbags near the doors,” said UW-Madison student Rickey Hobbs.

Walker plans to amp up racism, sexism to fill hole left by Trump in preparation for presidential run in 2020

Sources within Gov. Scott Walker’s campaign have confirmed early reports that Walker’s campaign strategy will undergo a major theme overhaul in anticipation of another presidential campaign in 2020. Though the election is quite a ways away, Walker and his team are already rebranding his image to more closely appeal to the base of out-of-touch, chauvinist and uneducated Americans he desperately needs to win the Republican primary. Specific details from Walker’s camp include reports that he has already settled on a new campaign slogan of “Make America Great Again, More.” The assumption here, one source said, is that the same Americans who supported Republican nominee Donald Trump will be even more supportive of Walker, because Walker wants to make America “even more better-er than Trump does.”  Other themes Walker plans on emphasizing are his new-and-improved racism, which will include repeating false and misleading statistics on crime committed by illegal immigrants and generalizing entire religions as terrorists. Walker will also heavily focus on his new initiative of building a massive border wall that is similar, but not quite the same, as Trump’s.

Between the sheets: For the love of lube: some sexy, slippery tips

This week I’m giving due credit to the unsung hero of sex--lube!  The concept of lube is pretty simple—put it on something you want to slide in and out of something else, and have at it.  But, there are a few caveats that are helpful to know before diving into the wonderful world of lube.  This slippery stuff has oodles of benefits that can make sex safer, easier and hella pleasurable. Unfortunately, many people believe lube is only for old ladies or people who aren’t “wet enough” on their own.

Peers are appalled to find out that area man does not remember the Alamo

Freshman student Jake Varpa does not, in fact, remember the Alamo. The story surfaced in Varpa’s American history class last week, as the professor dramatically entered the classroom in full frontier garb, wielding a musket and shouting “Remember the Alamo!” The tragedy of the massacre is still fresh in the hearts and minds of all good Americans, so it was not surprising when the class became incensed, adding to his chant and even breaking out a Texan flag.

Lil Wayne finally matures into teenage-sized ‘Medium Wayne’

Rapper Dwayne Michael Carter, Jr., best known for his stage name “Lil Wayne,” went through a miraculous transformation into a perfectly normal and healthy sized teen Monday night.  “Medium Wayne is really just the new me now” said Carter to a sea of reporters.

Catholic church: It’s now cheaper to buy your way into heaven

While the economy continues to recover from the Great Recession of 2008, there is one group of institutions that is having a harder time recovering than others: churches.

Almanac animal review: Gerenuk

I was at the Ohio State football game last week and this asshole of an animal, the Gerenuk, was just blatantly blocking my view.

MLA unveils trendy “Times Old Roman” font to get back in touch with millenials

The Modern Language Association announced their hip “Times Old Roman” font to appeal to a younger audience, a change which outraged professors and old stubborn writers everywhere. The changes to the both beloved and hated “Times New Roman” font include a revamped look and a complete abolition of the English language in place of ancient roman script. Kwame Anthony Appiah, president of MLA, felt his consumer base was stuck under the tyranny of his older font “Times New Roman” for far too long.

City of Cleveland Agrees to Trade Browns for a Vending Machine

After the the Browns lost to the Tennessee Titans earlier in the week and dropped to an NFL worst record of 0-6, Mayor Frank G.

Wisconsin Rowing Team to Host 4,000 Boat Re-Enactment of Epic Ancient Naval Battle

The UW rowing team annonced they would re-enact The Battle of Salamis, an epic ancient naval battle. The Battle of Salamis was a naval engagement in 480 B.C.

Thinking about voting? Don’t bother!

Pepe the Frog resigns due to potential Nazi affiliations

In a groundbreaking development in a growing scandal, Pepe the Frog resigned from his position as High Lord of the internet as surmounting evidence tied him to the Nazi Party. Throughout 2016, images of Pepe, known publicly for his laid back “feels good” attitude, began surfacing of him in the likeness of Adolf Hitler.

Pointless startup aims to solve nonexistent, first-world problem

The IntelliTech convention in Palo Alto, Calif., was alive with wonder. Startups from Silicon Valley, Seattle, Portland, Los Angeles and beyond had congregated for days to network, trade ideas and pitch their groundbreaking innovations. Stars of the show included MediScan, which can detect cancer growth through a smartphone-based imaging application, and Devia, a motion-tracking app which alerts caretakers of mentally ill individuals to adverse behaviors like pacing or wandering away.

Adorable freshman requests one marijuana from his first dealer

Mathew Grimes, a delightful little freshman, ordered a single marijuana from a dealer last Friday night in an attempt to really take his dorm party to the next level. The recent high school grad felt that although his party was “already lit,” he really wanted to “get some green.” Cardinal reporters on the scene followed the freshman and his posse of nervous friends to Mathew’s cousin’s friend’s brother Justin’s apartment. The deal took place on the third floor of 420 W.

Between the Sheets: Part-two of a beginner’s guide to kinky communication!

Last week I broke down some kinky key terms and how kink works. This week I’m laying out how kinky communication can be (and should be) applied to any kind of sex.  To fully understand the term “kink” I recommend giving last week’s article a read, but for a quick review, kink refers to “an exchange of power between people that can be physical, erotic, sexual, psychological, spiritual, or, most often, some combination,” kink includes “BDSM, sadomasochism, kinky sex, dominance and submission, role play, sex games, fantasy, fetish, and other alternative erotic expressions,” (definition borrowed from “The Ultimate Guide to Kink, BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge” by Tristan Taormino.)  Vanilla is a term often used by kinky folks to describe sex that isn’t kinky.

Misheard Movie Quotes

1. “E.T. bone gnome.” -Perverted alien 2.

Police unable to stem theft, shift focus to aggressive parking ticket campaign

Following a number of failed attempts by Madison police and UW-Madison to reduce bicycle and other petty theft on campus, MPD Chief Mike Koval issued a statement indicating the department’s new focus. “To effectively utilize our resources, we must focus on what we can do best,” Kovel said during the groundbreaking press conference.

Scott Walker proposes replacing SERF rec facility with 272-foot-tall statue of self

The SERF, slated for demolition May 1, has been zoned for a new recreational facility. Construction on the structure is planned for early 2017.

Voters unaware that Jill Stein was giving them the silent treatment

In July, in a Green Party press release, presidential candidate Jill Stein outlined her plans to give America the “silent treatment.” Stein stated that until voters decide to act their age, they would not receive any attention from her.

The Five Marks of a Good President

Well folks, election season is almost upon us. This year we have two awesome contenders for the elusive Oval Office: Democrat Hillary Rodham Clinton and Republican Donald “Kingslayer” Trump, who earned his nickname for his striking resemblance to “Game of Thrones” character Jamie “Kingslayer” Lannister. If you are one of the many people who think either candidate would be awful, federalism does a decent job of stunting executive power, so fret not.