The Beet

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Whispering Sweet Nothings

The history of Hallmark

A long time ago, there was a small mystical creature, named Cupid. He flew around the world with his fairy wings, and used his magic arrows to cause humans to fall in love.

Wisconsin legislature passes Canine Campus Carry law

In a shocking development, Wisconsin legislators announced that beginning on Feb. 29, 2017, dogs of all breeds will be able to open carry on the UW-Madison campus.

Cupid: ‘Smartphone use is interfering with my work’

Valentine’s Day: a day devoted to romance, usually involving heart-shaped chocolate boxes, dinner dates and bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon.

Trump signs trillion-dollar executive order on space wall

President Donald Trump signed into law Wednesday the latest in his administration’s flurry of executive orders, calling for the immediate erection of a space wall between the upper stratosphere and lower magnetosphere.

Sex with Syd: How social media is ruining sex

I’m new to The Daily Cardinal and when I was brainstorming topics for my new column, Sex with Syd, I kept circling back to a topic that has been bothering me a lot recently.

‘I’m Just a Bill’ played by White House staff following president’s 10th executive order

Late Tuesday night the famous Schoolhouse Rock song “I’m Just a Bill” was played in the Oval office for President Trump following the 10th executive order signed since his recent inauguration. White House staff members explained to reporters that although it seems Trump has ignored the legislative branch recently, it just comes down to a basic misunderstanding of the entire Democratic process. “Of course I know what checks and balances are” said Trump after being asked some basic political questions by Cardinal reporters on the scene.

Russian ties may indicate political experience, Trump voters concerned

During the tumultuous time surrounding the transfer of power between former President Obama and President Trump, allegations have surfaced that Trump may have a more long-standing relationship with Russia, Vladimir Putin, and Russian businesses than he indicated.

Moraine

there is a witch in the kettles, whose house is in a subtle glen. she brews in a lakebed cauldron and picks her teeth with arrowheads.

TindIRL app available just in time for Valentine’s Day

Do you have a hard time matching with people on Tinder? Has your mother told you she’s worried she’ll never have grandchildren?

The Almanac presents: Talking topics for your next dreamy date

We all know the shiny (and often misplaced) key to a successful date is thoughtful conversation. But in times like these, locating that key amid the patchwork of memes, passwords, fanatical behaviors and psychological scarring that fills our minds can be difficult.

‘Monopoly: Real Estate Con Artist’ hitting shelves soon

The objective of the new Parker Brothers game, which retails for $49.99, is personal gain. Each player begins in a separate city, and from there they embark on risky—and opulently expensive—construction projects.

Michelle Obama reveals husband is no lame duck in bed

When Americans voted for the next president in November, President Barack Obama entered the so-called “lame-duck period.” During this time, it is typically considered poor form for the president to pass legislation, especially if his replacement is from the other party. At a recent press conference, however, First Lady Michelle Obama revealed that her husband is no lame duck in their White House bedroom.

Pale ale declared official beer of white supremacists

Citing its crisp, hoppy flavor and innately superior coloration, American white nationalists, commonly known as the “alt-right” (and most accurately known as neo-Nazis) declared Tuesday that American pale ale is the official beverage of choice for those wishing to undermine establishment politics and reinstate a dominative American master race.     Richard Spencer, a prominent white nationalist and long-time pale ale drinker, spoke to The Daily Cardinal following the announcement.

Report: Mother Earth just getting hotter with age

In a recent report by the center for climate change, Mother Earth is one smoking hot planet who just gets even hotter every decade. The all-knowing mysterious woman follows a strict tanning regimen at all times, bathing in the sun’s rays and rubbing a unique combination of Dove’s new “CO2 unleashed” tanning lotion as well as L’Oréal’s Ozone explosion moisturizer.

Between the Sheets - sex and the student body: Strip those layers: Badgers talk nudes

As we crawl toward the end of the semester, the snow is starting to fall and the degrees are dropping; it’s enough to make you want to bundle up in layers of flannel and fleece, turn your bedroom into a blanket cave and never leave.  But, sometimes it’s worth it to strip off the layers, adjust the lighting and send the holiday gift that keeps on giving ... Nudes!  I reached out to my fellow Badgers to find out about their experiences with taking pictures that are sure to get them on the naughty list.  1.

Florida to become 42-million-acre golf course under Trump

American golf enthusiasts rejoiced Friday after Donald Trump’s transition team announced an agenda to rebuild the state of Florida.

Heroic Wisconsinite kills animal with firearm

In commendable and exciting fashion, Wisconsinite Ryan Burrows, 24, took the life of a wild deer using a high-powered rifle Tuesday. Burrows’ masculinity was on full display as he managed to discharge a 30-caliber round into the chest of the deer from about 40 feet away, knocking the animal over prior to its death seconds after. “Look at this big boy,” Burrows said, describing his victim triumphantly to Cardinal reporters.

Mayonnaise and vitamin diet offers delicious relief to cost-conscious consumers

How much did you spend on food last week? How many hours were spent preparing it? Did it even taste good?

almanac animal review: fire ant

FIRE ANT AT A GLANCE: PHYSICAL TRAITS: Super horny, very small (like really really small), has two seemingly pointless limbs on its face. CAREER GOALS: Eventually bang the queen, in the future bump uglies with the queen, reproduce with the queen, spread his genes through the queen. PRIMARY FLAWS: Only cares about work and hooking up wth the queen, can potentially be squashed by almost any human being. SPECIAL ABILITIES: Super romantic, able to lift something 20 times his body weight, has two limbs on his head which are seemingly useless but are actually very important. PLACE OF RESIDENCE: Almost everywhere, in a mound of dirt, wherever he is able to reproduce. FULL REVIEW:  Back in my clubbing days I used to be a wingman for this incredible insect called a fire ant.