On this day in history...
1845—Congress appropriates $30,000 to ship camels to the western United States. Rowdy Camelboys begin to terrorize western towns, and camel rustling runs rampant.
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1845—Congress appropriates $30,000 to ship camels to the western United States. Rowdy Camelboys begin to terrorize western towns, and camel rustling runs rampant.
468—Saint Simplicius is elected to succeed Catholic Pope Hilarius. Hilarius goes down in history as the funniest Pope of all time; his legendary slapstick preaching methods are studied by young clergymen for hundreds of years.
University of Wisconsin-Madison Marching Band Director Michael Leckrone reminded the sickly members of his band Wednesday not to play one another’s instruments at their weekend parties.
1861—Russian Tsar Alexander II abolishes serfdom. He institutes good, old-fashioned slavery the next day.
Kane Kaiman is a graduate of Cedarburg High School. There, he scored a 5 on his AP Psychology test, giving him the authority to interpret the dreams of all humans and some of the earth’s more intelligent mammals. A brooding recluse, Kaiman has not been seen outside his mansion at 222 N. Carter in over six years.
1924—Sherwin Badger wins the U.S. male Figure Skating championship. His brother, Bucky Badger, looks on jealously from the stands.
1897— The National Organization of Mothers forms, known today as the Parent Teacher Association. Finally, overbearing parents have a public forum to complain about the amount of paste their idiot children are eating at school.
“A Matter of Time”—After being diagnosed with a rare disease that shortens the telomeres of his cells over time, doctors give college freshman John Burr (Channing Tatum) only 63 more years to live. Burr vows to make the most of the time he has left in this emotional drama.
University of Wisconsin-Madison Natatorium officials say they are handling the “shark problem” that has recently plagued their facility.
1809—Abraham Lincoln is born. What? You don’t joke about Abraham Lincoln.
1878—The first U.S. bicycle club, the Boston Bicycle Club, is formed. The “Boston Bad Boys,” as they informally call themselves, wreak havoc on Bean Town for decades.
DETROIT, Mich.— Career criminal Clarence Boddicker was completely unfazed by the Detroit Police Department’s time-honored ‘good RoboCop, bad RoboCop’ routine during a run-of-the-mill interrogation at the Detroit Public Safety Headquarters late Tuesday night in the year 2044.
1788— Massachusetts becomes the sixth state to ratify the constitution and the fourth to mousify it.
1783—Sweden recognizes U.S. independence. The United States doesn’t bother thanking them.
1789—George Washington is unanimously elected as the first president of the United States by the U.S. Electoral College. He immediately turns the country back over to Britain.
“Tears of Pierrot”— When 83 of his closest friends are killed in a tragic clown car accident, Bobo (Hugh Jackman) must pick up the pieces of his shattered life.
3986 B.C. — The earth is created.
1790- The first boat specializing as a lifeboat is tested on the River Tyne. The boat, made of cotton cloth and fish scales, sinks immediately.
The University of Wisconsin-Madison Natatorium, campus’ wettest, wildest, most action-packed water park, held the grand-opening of its most exhilarating water slide yet, the “Roarin’ Rapids Water Coaster,” Monday morning.
1737—Thomas Paine is born. A staunch British loyalist, his satirical pamphlet “Common Sense” will be completely misinterpreted by American Revolutionaries.