Kane Kaiman is a graduate of Cedarburg High School. There, he scored a 5 on his AP Psychology test, giving him the authority to interpret the dreams of all humans and some of the earth’s more intelligent mammals. A brooding recluse, Kaiman has not been seen outside his mansion at 222 N. Carter in over six years.
This week’s dream:
“I was college-aged, but I went back home for a baseball tournament. But the tournament was for high school kids only, so I was told to sneak in the main doors of the ballpark if I wanted to play. The person that told me to sneak in was really just trying to get me in trouble and security stopped me and asked for I.D. They said they were taking the I.D. to Jim Barton, who was my boss back in high school. I said ‘good’ because I thought he would vouch for me, but he walked by and told security to kick me out. And they did.”
—Jacob Miller, sophomore
One hundred percent accurate interpretation:
We all wish we could go back and relive the glory days. You and I more than most.
The year is 2002. It’s a very important mid-June night. My groundbreaking work studying the dreams of dolphins has finally paid off, and I’m about to give an acceptance speech for the Abraham Maslow Award in front of hundreds of the world’s most influential psychologists at the International Psychologist Association’s annual convention.
As I am walking up to the podium, it dawns on me: This is the pinnacle of my career. And I am truly happy for the first time in my life.
In three weeks my face will be on the cover of Time Magazine above the caption “Dolphin Doolittle: The Psychologist That Can Speak to Animals.” In four weeks I will be dating Marisa Tomei. And in five, “The Dolphin Dream Diaries” will become a New York Times Best Seller, making me the most wealthy psychologist on the planet.
Flash forward to the present day. No one is asking me to give any speeches. No one from Time wants to take my photograph. I’m single and penniless.
Where did it all go wrong? My interpretations are still 100 percent accurate! They always will be!
Accuracy is not the issue. The simple fact is that people don’t need human dream interpreters anymore. Super computers, such as Deep Dreamer and Vision Master II, have rendered our work obsolete.
Of course, these computers are so large that they fill entire rooms, but they can interpret dreams in fractions of a second.
You’ll get a speedy and 100 percent accurate interpretation.
Beep, boop, bop: “You. Have. Intimacy. Issues.”
Beep, boop, bop: “You. Have. An. Oedipus. Complex.”
But you’ll only get the bare bones. You won’t get any advice, or sympathy, for that matter.
Nevertheless, dream interpreters are a dying breed, and have been for years. These computers get more sophisticated every day. And, eventually, every newspaper will have one, including The Daily Cardinal.
So, do I wish I could wind the clock back to 2002 and waltz back up to that podium again? Of course I do. But I don’t obsess over it so much that it influences my dreams.
It’s time to let go, Jake. No more fantasizing about your high school baseball career. No more telling people about making All-Conference.
You aren’t the big man on campus anymore. No one cares about that home run you hit in sectionals or the time you went all the way with Carmen Santos behind the bleachers.
This is a school of over 40,000 people. How many of them do you think consider themselves high school sports heroes? If you want to regain some of that former glory, it’s time to find a new niche.
I recommend writing for The Daily Cardinal. The Carmen Santoses of the world have grown up since high school, and I heard they’re into intellectual guys these days.
Do you have a dream you want Kane to interpret for you or someone you know? Email Kane at kaiman@wisc.edu for his absolutely 100 percent factually accurate advice.
