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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, April 20, 2021
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College student relieved to not be receiving stimulus check

All articles featured in Almanac are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

A new round of Covid-19 related stimulus checks are currently being distributed to millions of individuals throughout the United States. While many people are anxiously awaiting the $1400, Rodney Leffler, who was claimed as a dependent on his parents’ taxes, is relieved to not be getting one.

“I’m eligible and filed my own taxes, but my stimulus money still goes to my parents,” the Wausau native said. “I know that I could try to explain it to my mom and dad, but they take me out to B-Dubs when they come visit every few months, so I might as well call it even.”

However, it’s not just a lack of willingness to explain the guidelines that’s stopping the 20 year-old from cashing in.

“You know, I guess I just don’t feel like I have much of a use for it,” Leffler stated as he smiled into the distance at no object in particular. “I’m paying for my own tuition, rent and living expenses in general, but I’m perfectly satisfied with using student loans. After all, it’s really important to support banks — especially the big ones. I think the federal government forgets that they can struggle too just because they’ve been so reliable over the years.” 

The part-time Taco Bell Cantina employee knows his priorities. 

“The other thing I love about student loans is that working more than one shift per week just doesn’t fit into my lifestyle,” he said. “I don’t have to give a second thought about spending $1800 a month on rent or going out most nights — that’s for future me to worry about.”

One can’t help but wonder what the junior would do if he did receive a stimulus check. Luckily, Leffler didn’t hesitate to give an answer.

“I’m not sure it would change too drastically, but I might not steal beer from parties and bring it back to my apartment as much. That’s certainly something I’d consider.” 

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