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Saturday, June 22, 2024
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I’m going to commit $270 worth of property damage to the university

I have been held accountable for my actions and I will not stand for it. This university will burn (in total damages equaling out to $270).

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

In my final weeks at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, I was utterly betrayed by Transportation Services when it impounded my car for multiple unpaid parking tickets. Now, after paying off all the tickets and getting my car out of impound, I’m taking swift revenge.

I’m going to cause at least $270 worth of property damage to UW-Madison on May 3 between 5-10 p.m. Possibly $271 so I’m up.

On Tuesday, April 23, I was the victim of a horrible injustice at the hands of UW-Madison’s fascist, possibly racist, Transportation Services, deciding to impound my 2018 BMW X1 for $270 worth of unpaid parking tickets. After another riveting Tuesday morning half-asleep in my James Joyce course, which happened to meet at 7191 Hellen C. White for a screening of the movie version of “Ulysses” instead of in the depressing Humanities building as usual, I was shocked to find my 1-ton pedestrian mower gone.

My mind raced thinking about the possibilities. Surely no one stole it — I hoped — since there was no more glass on the ground than normal in this filthy city. My heart dropped as I spotted a blue envelope in the grass in front of where I parked. It was the decoy ticket I never paid to avoid more tickets. I instantly knew what happened: Transportation Services took away my transportation.

I sat in front of Lake Mendota not overcome by overwhelming motion sickness from bodies of water for the first time. It was a miracle. The cure for motion sickness is getting your car towed. After a few minutes scrolling through Transportation Services’ page, I found where they send all the naughty cars: Schmidt Auto.

I hastily called the tow yard to figure out what it was going to cost me. Apparently, it just arrived there. I missed avoiding paying the exuberant, balderdash fines by mere minutes. The lady was nice and told me that there would be no charge from them since it just got there. Still, my car was being held for ransom contingent on me finally paying off all the tickets.

It was a 50-minute walk, so I called an Uber because I refuse to ride the bus with the poors. The driver’s name was Tasir. 

Taisr was literally right next to me when I ordered the Uber but pulled past me a whole block away. He realized and just sat there in the street. I wasn’t going to run. My car got towed. I was already sad. I entered his Black Toyota with the standard Arabic greeting of “Assalamualaikum.” He ignored me. I knew that I was going to get there in record time.

We got there in five minutes. Tasir can push a whip. I stepped out into Schmidt Auto on Beld Road and instantly looked for my missing boy. I saw the gate open and contemplated just hopping in there to take back my property, but another gate would have stopped me. BMW parts cost a lot. I couldn’t afford it on a measly reporter’s salary.

I stepped into the shop where the lady instantly knew who I was (I called five minutes before) and asked me how I was doing today. What a condescending question. I was forced to pay an unjust levy for the privilege of parking where I shouldn’t have.

I handed her my ID and showed her the proof that I paid the tickets. Then, she handed me a safety vest to go walk into the impound yard to get the car myself. Not even full service. What the hell am I paying for? I pulled around back to the entrance because she needed my insurance. Not sure why, but I hope this won’t affect my rates on my expired insurance from Iowa that she didn’t check the date on.

I asked if I could keep the vest, and she responded with a stern “no.” This was the second most devastated I’ve been that day.

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You may be thinking this is all my fault, but I don’t believe in paying for parking at a place that does land acknowledgments. This is stolen land after all. I shouldn’t have to pay for parking on stolen land. Now, the colonizers have once again stolen from brown folk in pursuit of their endless siege against the non-white, non-Christians in the name of their “claim” to the land.

Unknown to the university, on November 26, 2023, I totaled my last car, a 2006 Lexus ES330, with around $350 more worth of unpaid parking tickets. The car was under a friend’s name. They will never collect on this. I refuse to pay for a parking pass. I used to forge a pass in my first semester here. Unfortunately, UW-Madison isn’t like my undergrad at Iowa State. The look of parking passes at UW-Madison changes every semester, and it’s a lot of work to forge a pass for each lot I’m going to park in. The thickness of the material is oddly pricey, and the shape is hard to carve accurately.

I think it’s only fair that now I, Omar Taimoore Waheed — grad student typically found in Vilas between 3:30-6 p.m. on the fifth floor — gets to destroy at least $270 worth of property at UW-Madison as reparations.

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