MINNEAPOLIS — The Minnesota Zoo was struck by tragedy this Wednesday, as one of its last remaining male African penguins was fatally shot by a zookeeper. The incident occurred in the afternoon, at peak visiting hours during a special penguin showing.
A result of past student feedback, this summer’s Student Orientation, Advising and Registration is mandating an hour-long workshop on practical solutions for dealing with late-night alcohol consumption in residence halls. Goading Inebriated Tramps to Orient Undertakings That-a-way (GIT-OUT), the debut SOAR workshop, is designed to tackle the future reality many burgeoning Badgers will face head-on: drunk people in their dorm room, potentially on either a weekend or a a school night. The workshop is designed with a simple, three-step lesson plan in mind, according to GIT-OUT coordinator Halls Banks. “The first step is empathy.
Well sweet baby Badgers, it’s been another one for the books. What better way to procrastinate studying for finals than by reading about how to make summer of 2k16 the steamiest one yet? First, like we all know from every summertime rom-com ever made, getting it on in the water is the sexiest, most summery thing we can do, and there is a 82 percent chance it will turn us all into actual merpeople. Sexy as it may be, water can wash away our natural lubrication and actually make sex trickier.
PARIS – After a series of high-level meetings, French president François Hollande announced that the nation of France officially surrenders the next major world conflict.
The University of Wisconsin-Madison sent a friendly reminder to 2016 Spring Commencement speaker Russell Wilson Thursday asking him to refrain from reciting the entirety of the Holy Bible during his address. The current Seattle Seahawks quarterback and former Badger standout was not asked to leave Christianity out of his speech altogether, but merely to avoid reading all 1,281 pages of the Old and New Testament. “We know that Russell is a Christian, and we absolutely respect that,” UW-Madison Chancellor Rebecca Blank said.
Locksmith extraordinaire and aspiring romantic Gunnar Humboldt misplaced the key to his wife’s heart last night causing a rift in their relationship. The locksmith has been married to his wife Rachel for almost 20 years thanks to the handy key.
Domestic Cat at a glance: PHYSICAL TRAITS: Everything about it is disgusting.
1. The day before the rally, gather 10-20 strong-willed friends with sturdy gastrointestinal tracts.
Bascom Hill cruised to victory in the annual heated and controversial Best Hill competition, drubbing all other prospective hills in a sweeping victory which crushed the hopes of millions looking to celebrate the merits of other inclines and precipices. “We’ve had enough of establishment hills, establishment knolls, and establishment protuberances,” claims one supporter, who went on to claim that the Bascom Hill campaign was only able to win due to connections with big money from UW.
In case y’all missed it, last week was sexual health week around the country. Here at UW-Madison we had some dankass events including pole dancing lessons from Miss Pole, a Chimera self-defense class, the screening of the first ever feature-length documentary focussed entirely on masturbation called “Sticky” and even a sexual health carnival in Library Mall with games and hella free safer-sex supplies.
NIGERIA—After a week of turmoil in Nigeria, the militant leader General Abodom has seized power of the small west African nation.
BLOBFISH AT A GLANCE PHYSICAL TRAITS: Complete and total smokeshow, lacks many humanlike traits. CAREER GOALS: Eventually be able to possess some sort of emotion, eventually evolve to possess muscle, go into professional facial advertising. PRIMARY FLAWS: Could probably stand to drop a few pounds but DAMN that face is hot. SPECIAL ABILITIES: Everybody wants to make out with his beautiful face. PLACE OF RESIDENCE: Deep in the ocean off the coast of New Zealand. Final Score: 3/10 FULL REVIEW: At my most recent family reunion, I was relaxing with my wonderful, genetically linked companions when I made a miraculous discovery about my grandpa Harold. Grandpa Harold has always been an odd man.
The library was nearly empty when it happened, save for a few caffeine-fueled souls fighting their way through last-minute essays and cramming for exams.
Madison police arrested 39 people Tuesday in--- a sticker sting operation aimed at cracking down on voter fraud. Dressed in civilian garb and posted in back alleys and rundown parking lots, MPD officers lured in non-voting but would-be sticker-wearers with subtle head nods and provocative eyebrow raising before administering them a healthy dose of the law. MPD Sergeant Clark Spiegel, who headed the assignment, explained the necessity of the operation. “What people don’t understand is just how ubiquitous voter fraud is.
Library Mall fell silent Thursday afternoon as UW-Madison sophomore Maggie Green made the brave decision to step outside the safety of Starbucks and drink her iced decaf soy white mocha in public view. Green says it was a difficult decision, but she felt it was important for someone to finally break the hurtful stigma around Starbucks’ specialty drinks. “I feel like girls on this campus are really discriminated against based on our drink color,” she said.
UW-Madison freshman Chuck Swansy had a stark realization early Monday morning when he found that his newfound title of third string oarsman did little to improve his reputation on campus. Swansy joined the rowing team with hopes of elevating himself to an elite social level that most of his classmates would never achieve.
We open on a scene: You and your partner have been having a lovely dialogue about your days. You find yourself staring at them as they finish their sentence and you let the room go quiet. The silence between you builds and becomes a palpable tension you can both feel.
1. Penises are not quite the same as baseball bats. 2.
Following the Catholic tradition of priests washing the feet of their followers, Meryl Kilgore, a life-long Catholic, expressed her frustration with the low-quality foot bath she received from the Pope. Kilgore, who intentionally did not clean her feet prior to being visited by the Pope, had accumulated a week’s worth of sweat and grime all over her toes, and expected that they would be thoroughly cleaned during the ceremony. “Fer a man in charge of the holy feckin’ Vatican you’d think he’d a done a half decent job a cleanin’ ma tootsies,” said Kilgore in a thick Irish accent. Most of the other church-goers, including famous musician Andrew Hozier-Byrne, gratefully accepted the symbolic gesture of equality and brotherhood from the church’s highest priest. Mrs. Kilgore’s daughter, Mary, spoke to Cardinal reporters (from the paper, not the Vatican) about her mother’s ungracious response to the Pontiff’s gesture. “Part of me agrees with ol’ Mr. Pope on this one.
Indie rock singer and devout Christian Andrew Hozier-Byrne is reportedly sick of asking for rides to his local church, “Faith Church for the Hip of Heart.” Hozier is known for his 2014 hit song “Take Me to Church,” written as a literal request to his mom for a ride.
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Solutions by The State News
