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SOAR to include new mandatory workshop: how to kick belligerent drunks out of your dorm room

Jun. 10, 2016

A result of past student feedback, this summer’s Student Orientation, Advising and Registration is mandating an hour-long workshop on practical solutions for dealing with late-night alcohol consumption in residence halls. Goading Inebriated Tramps to Orient Undertakings That-a-way (GIT-OUT), the debut SOAR workshop, is designed to tackle the future reality many burgeoning Badgers will face head-on: drunk people in their dorm room, potentially on either a weekend or a a school night. The workshop is designed with a simple, three-step lesson plan in mind, according to GIT-OUT coordinator Halls Banks. “The first step is empathy.

THE BEET

Between the Sheets: How to have your hottest summer yet—the dirty deets

By Anna Welch | May. 3, 2016

Well sweet baby Badgers, it’s been another one for the books. What better way to procrastinate studying for finals than by reading about how to make summer of 2k16 the steamiest one yet? First, like we all know from every summertime rom-com ever made, getting it on in the water is the sexiest, most summery thing we can do, and there is a 82 percent chance it will turn us all into actual merpeople. Sexy as it may be, water can wash away our natural lubrication and actually make sex trickier.

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France proactively surrenders WWIII

By Marc Tost | Apr. 28, 2016

PARIS – After a series of high-level meetings, French president François Hollande announced that the nation of France officially surrenders the next major world conflict.

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University reminds Russell Wilson not to recite entire Bible during commencement address

By Dylan Anderson | Apr. 28, 2016

The University of Wisconsin-Madison sent a friendly reminder to 2016 Spring Commencement speaker Russell Wilson Thursday asking him to refrain from reciting the entirety of the Holy Bible during his address. The current Seattle Seahawks quarterback and former Badger standout was not asked to leave Christianity out of his speech altogether, but merely to avoid reading all 1,281 pages of the Old and New Testament. “We know that Russell is a Christian, and we absolutely respect that,” UW-Madison Chancellor Rebecca Blank said.

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Locksmith misplaces key to wife’s heart

By Noah Mack | Apr. 28, 2016

Locksmith extraordinaire and aspiring romantic Gunnar Humboldt misplaced the key to his wife’s heart last night causing a rift in their relationship. The locksmith has been married to his wife Rachel for almost 20 years thanks to the handy key.

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Almanac Animal Review: Domestic Cat

By Noah Mack | Apr. 25, 2016

Domestic Cat at a glance: PHYSICAL TRAITS: Everything about it is disgusting.

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Steps to effectively protest a Trump rally

By Liam Hutchison | Apr. 25, 2016

1. The day before the rally, gather 10-20 strong-willed friends with sturdy gastrointestinal tracts.

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Poll: Bascom Hill voted best hill on campus

By Hossein Rostam | Apr. 25, 2016

Bascom Hill cruised to victory in the annual heated and controversial Best Hill competition, drubbing all other prospective hills in a sweeping victory which crushed the hopes of millions looking to celebrate the merits of other inclines and precipices. “We’ve had enough of establishment hills, establishment knolls, and establishment protuberances,” claims one supporter, who went on to claim that the Bascom Hill campaign was only able to win due to connections with big money from UW.

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Between the Sheets: Not your nana's abstinence—sexy tips for students who don't have sex

By Anna Welch | Apr. 18, 2016

In case y’all missed it, last week was sexual health week around the country. Here at UW-Madison we had some dankass events including pole dancing lessons from Miss Pole, a Chimera self-defense class, the screening of the first ever feature-length documentary focussed entirely on masturbation called “Sticky” and even a sexual health carnival in Library Mall with games and hella free safer-sex supplies.

This poorly written email, sent by Prince Yabani, did not garner the response he had anticipated from the American people.

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Nigerian prince expected better response to mass email

By Marc Tost | Apr. 14, 2016

NIGERIA—After a week of turmoil in Nigeria, the militant leader General Abodom has seized power of the small west African nation.

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Almanac Animal Review: Blobfish

By Noah Mack | Apr. 11, 2016

BLOBFISH AT A GLANCE PHYSICAL TRAITS: Complete and total smokeshow, lacks many humanlike traits. CAREER GOALS: Eventually be able to possess some sort of emotion, eventually evolve to possess muscle, go into professional facial advertising. PRIMARY FLAWS: Could probably stand to drop a few pounds but DAMN that face is hot. SPECIAL ABILITIES: Everybody wants to make out with his beautiful face. PLACE OF RESIDENCE: Deep in the ocean off the coast of New Zealand. Final Score: 3/10 FULL REVIEW: At my most recent family reunion, I was relaxing with my wonderful, genetically linked companions when I made a miraculous discovery about my grandpa Harold. Grandpa Harold has always been an odd man.

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Can You Watch My Stuff?

By Liam Hutchison | Apr. 11, 2016

The library was nearly empty when it happened, save for a few caffeine-fueled souls fighting their way through last-minute essays and cramming for exams.

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MPD targets voter fraud, arrests dozens wearing ‘I Voted’ stickers

Apr. 7, 2016

Madison police arrested 39 people Tuesday in--- a sticker sting operation aimed at cracking down on voter fraud. Dressed in civilian garb and posted in back alleys and rundown parking lots, MPD officers lured in non-voting but would-be sticker-wearers with subtle head nods and provocative eyebrow raising before administering them a healthy dose of the law. MPD Sergeant Clark Spiegel, who headed the assignment, explained the necessity of the operation. “What people don’t understand is just how ubiquitous voter fraud is.

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Daring sophomore breaks stigma, enjoys iced decaf soy white mocha in public

By Mara Benowitz | Apr. 7, 2016

Library Mall fell silent Thursday afternoon as UW-Madison sophomore Maggie Green made the brave decision to step outside the safety of Starbucks and drink her iced decaf soy white mocha in public view. Green says it was a difficult decision, but she felt it was important for someone to finally break the hurtful stigma around Starbucks’ specialty drinks. “I feel like girls on this campus are really discriminated against based on our drink color,” she said.

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Self-conscious rower reminds himself he’s a Division 1 athlete, for Christ’s sake

By Marc Tost | Apr. 7, 2016

UW-Madison freshman Chuck Swansy had a stark realization early Monday morning when he found that his newfound title of third string oarsman did little to improve his reputation on campus. Swansy joined the rowing team with hopes of elevating himself to an elite social level that most of his classmates would never achieve.

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Between the Sheets: Stop and smell the roses—how staying present makes for better sex

By Anna Welch | Apr. 4, 2016

We open on a scene: You and your partner have been having a lovely dialogue about your days. You find yourself staring at them as they finish their sentence and you let the room go quiet. The silence between you builds and becomes a palpable tension you can both feel.

There are many reasons the thing this man is doing is not the same as sex.

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Top 11 Reasons Sex is Not Like Baseball

By Liam Hutchison and Anna Welch | Apr. 4, 2016

1. Penises are not quite the same as baseball bats. 2.

Mrs. Kilgore wasn’t pleased with the Pope’s foot cleaning efforts.

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Pope Francis ‘missed a spot,’ claims woman who had feet cleaned

By Liam Hutchison | Mar. 31, 2016

Following the Catholic tradition of priests washing the feet of their followers, Meryl Kilgore, a life-long Catholic, expressed her frustration with the low-quality foot bath she received from the Pope. Kilgore, who intentionally did not clean her feet prior to being visited by the Pope, had accumulated a week’s worth of sweat and grime all over her toes, and expected that they would be thoroughly cleaned during the ceremony. “Fer a man in charge of the holy feckin’ Vatican you’d think he’d a done a half decent job a cleanin’ ma tootsies,” said Kilgore in a thick Irish accent. Most of the other church-goers, including famous musician Andrew Hozier-Byrne, gratefully accepted the symbolic gesture of equality and brotherhood from the church’s highest priest. Mrs. Kilgore’s daughter, Mary, spoke to Cardinal reporters (from the paper, not the Vatican) about her mother’s ungracious response to the Pontiff’s gesture. “Part of me agrees with ol’ Mr. Pope on this one.

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Friends, family of Hozier tired of him asking for rides to local church

By Noah Mack | Mar. 31, 2016

Indie rock singer and devout Christian Andrew Hozier-Byrne is reportedly sick of asking for rides to his local church, “Faith Church for the Hip of Heart.” Hozier is known for his 2014 hit song “Take Me to Church,” written as a literal request to his mom for a ride.

Kenny Steidewaldt spends all his days alone now. Even the friend he invented for himself doesn’t want to be around him anymore.

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Beloved imaginary friend abandons local child for hipper, funner peers

Mar. 31, 2016

Six-year-old Kenny Steidewaldt spent morning recess Wednesday completely alone, milling aimlessly around the playground kicking small rocks after his imaginary pal, Reggie—an invisible, intangible talking dinosaur—abandoned him to fraternize with the cool kids. The 60-minute period of mind-numbing loneliness is a stark contrast to Kenny’s usual routine of industrious hole-digging with his until-now loyal imaginary buddy. Reports say Reggie spent the period leaning against the brick wall with class favorites and all-around cool kids Jay and Derek, comparing their respective Easter candy hauls. Word on the playground has it Reggie is invited to Derek’s seventh birthday party.