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Thursday, September 21, 2023

The Beet


Daring sophomore breaks stigma, enjoys iced decaf soy white mocha in public

Library Mall fell silent Thursday afternoon as UW-Madison sophomore Maggie Green made the brave decision to step outside the safety of Starbucks and drink her iced decaf soy white mocha in public view. Green says it was a difficult decision, but she felt it was important for someone to finally break the hurtful stigma around Starbucks’ specialty drinks.  “I feel like girls on this campus are really discriminated against based on our drink color,” she said.

Mrs. Kilgore wasn’t pleased with the Pope’s foot cleaning efforts.

Pope Francis ‘missed a spot,’ claims woman who had feet cleaned

Following the Catholic tradition of priests washing the feet of their  followers, Meryl Kilgore, a life-long Catholic, expressed her frustration with the low-quality foot bath she received from the Pope. Kilgore, who intentionally did not clean her feet prior to being visited by the Pope, had accumulated a week’s worth of sweat and grime all over her toes, and expected that they would be thoroughly cleaned during the ceremony. “Fer a man in charge of the holy feckin’ Vatican you’d think he’d a done a half decent job a cleanin’ ma tootsies,” said Kilgore in a thick Irish accent. Most of the other church-goers, including famous musician Andrew Hozier-Byrne, gratefully accepted the symbolic gesture of equality and brotherhood from the church’s highest priest. Mrs. Kilgore’s daughter, Mary, spoke to Cardinal reporters (from the paper, not the Vatican) about her mother’s ungracious response to the Pontiff’s gesture. “Part of me agrees with ol’ Mr. Pope on this one.

Kenny Steidewaldt spends all his days alone now. Even the friend he invented for himself doesn’t want to be around him anymore.

Beloved imaginary friend abandons local child for hipper, funner peers

Six-year-old Kenny Steidewaldt spent morning recess Wednesday completely alone, milling aimlessly around the playground kicking small rocks after his imaginary pal, Reggie—an invisible, intangible talking dinosaur—abandoned him to fraternize with the cool kids. The 60-minute period of mind-numbing loneliness is a stark contrast to Kenny’s usual routine of industrious hole-digging with his until-now loyal imaginary buddy. Reports say Reggie spent the period leaning against the brick wall with class favorites and all-around cool kids Jay and Derek, comparing their respective Easter candy hauls. Word on the playground has it Reggie is invited to Derek’s seventh birthday party.

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Almanac Business Help: Tune up your Résumé with guidance from our template

Mr. Alfred Manac 2142 Vilas Hall, 821 University Avenue, Madison, WI | (608) 262-8000 Education University of Wisconsin- Madison Bachelor of Masters of Doctors of Science, best by: May 2018 Major: Geometry (Post-Euclidian) Certificates for: Participation, Orange Peeling Semi-Cumulative Self-Reported GPA: 4.0; Jimmy Dean’s List (3 Semesters Primary Qualifications ·       Standing vertical jump of 18 inches (45.72 centimeters) ·       Able to whistle every melody from Neil Diamond’s 1969 hit album Touching You, Touching Me ·       Over 10,000 neural pathways ·       Personable and outgoing ·       Lifelong connoisseur of fine Egyptian linens and canned beer Criminal Exploits ·       Murder Convictions: 0 (.5) ·       Most Recent Felonies: Loitering, littering, laddering, liberding ·       No shoplifting convictions ·       Except for that one time ·       Please don’t tell Family History ·       Grandmother was a strong German woman with a penchant for drinking and the strongest forearms east of Berlin ·       Grandfather was a sailing man ·       Descendent of Adam and/or Eve ·       Family tree is a Lodgepole Pine, family shrub is Witch Hazel ·    Spent childhood roaming the plains of the Blackfoot River in Montana, where I learned to fly fish and frolicked with all of God’s creatures.


Leonardo DiCaprio still unaware that Oscar win result of elaborate inception

Leonardo DiCaprio woke up from a long and luscious slumber early this morning to his fake golden statue, still blissfully unaware that the award is the result of a very complex and well-planned inception. DiCaprio is known for hit movies such as “Titanic,” “The Revenant” and of course, “Inception.” Over the course of his acting career, DiCaprio has played many characters that have trouble discerning reality from fakeness.


Almanac Animal Review: Aye-aye

Aye-aye at a glance PHYSICAL TRAITS: Disgusting, horrendous middle finger, some crazy eyes that have seen some crazy shit, Bernie Sanders hair, satellite-dish ears that pick up ESPN. CAREER GOALS: Eventually create a trend that actually sticks, stop failing at setting trends, get better at setting trends, improve his trend-setting abilities.  PRIMARY FLAWS: Completely unaware of cultural norms, most people want to kill it with fire.  SPECIAL ABILITIES: Can throw back triple-venti half-sweet nonfat caramel macchiatos like nobody’s business. PLACE OF RESIDENCE: Madagascar, or wherever the next trend is emerging so he can try and fail to set it. Final Score: 11/10 FULL REVIEW:  It has obviously been a lifelong goal of mine to drink a cup of my favorite drink, a triple-venti half-sweet nonfat caramel macchiato, in every country.


The gosh-darn cutest honeybee ever tragically killed by careless toddler

Tragedy struck during the anomalous spring weather last weekend when a local honeybee, venturing from its hive to explore a Monroe Street sidewalk, was unceremoniously stepped on by a passing toddler. Mona Johnson, known as “Banana” to family and friends, reportedly crushed the unwitting honeybee with her size-three Minnie Mouse sneakers as she carelessly hopped along the sidewalk to avoid stepping on the cracks. Eyewitness reports say the honeybee, bumbling along the concrete and projecting a gentle aura of curious joy to passers-by through its mere presence, was covered with “fuzzy-wuzzy wittle hairs” and periodically buzzing its “cutesy-tootsy teeny wingsies” before being mercilessly wiped from existence by a force 10,000 times its weight. To date, the bee’s hive has made no motions to press charges.

Daily Cardinal

Local student exists on higher level than peers

Sophomore and amateur sports statistician Chad Zooti spends his days inhabiting a higher stratum of consciousness, sources say.   Towering over his peers in all aspects of knowledge and intellect, Zooti has gained a following both on campus and in the Reddit channel “/r/baseball,” offering guidance on topics ranging from the illusory nature of reality, to how to beat the system, to how to get hot chicks. “His dad owns a dealership,” claims longtime friend, Ty Smiff.

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