The San Diego Padres baseball game was capped by a convoy of cement trucks, oversize cranes, and trucks bearing the first supports of what will be the major infrastructural commitment of the new administration to the United States. The project, expected to cost in the billions of dollars, has many legislators on both sides of the aisle wringing their knuckles at the proposed cost. For Hector Rodriguez and his family, however, who sat in the grandstands observing the game, the sudden appearance of the construction convoy provided a well-deserved dose of comic relief.
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The UW Housing directorate announced early last week that the options available to students have expanded with the addition of the “Opulence” plan to the UW dining halls. The plan, long lobbied by students and parents, includes caviar and foie gras, along with fresh-baked baguettes unavailable to students participating in the typical meal plans.
In light of the recent developments surrounding Twitter and the global events shifted and shaped around the dialogue through its medium, Twitter founder Jack Dorsey has taken to his own medium to justify his application’s relevance in today’s global ecosystem.
The government shutdown this weekend had several factions tinkering with ways to potentially remedy the government’s plights. This week’s shutdown marked the first government shutdown in the modern era where both houses of the legislature and the White House are controlled by the same party. Opponents of the shutdown pointed toward a coffee-stained governmental manual lying neglected on the dirty floor as the guide by which the government was ground to a halt. The resulting outcome was a recovered government, but imagination runs wild as to the potential outcomes which could have resulted if the government were left untended, like a leaky faucet.
1. Get in the Christmas spirit by listening to same 18 songs every store will be playing for the next month.
The Dreyfuss family’s Thanksgiving dinner was ruined after grandchildren noticed a sizable amount of mold in the pumpkin pie. Shane, the youngest grandchild, began to cry after returning home from school and finding the Jack-O-Lantern gone from its place on the doorstep. After calming his histrionics, Grandma Dreyfuss extracted her pumpkin pie from the oven and was floored by a hideous stench of rotting pumpkin. The Jack-O-Lantern had found its way into the Dreyfuss pumpkin pie.
Three UCLA basketball players were arrested in Huangzhou province on suspicion of shoplifting this weekend at a Louis Vuitton store. The players included LiAngelo Ball. James Curry, who has served as the Pentagon’s executive director of foreign policy intervention since his appointment in 2014, gave Cardinal reporters a look at the workings behind the deal. All opinions are of the interviewee and do not necessarily reflect the beliefs or values of the Department of Defense.
Attorney General Jeff Sessions was admitted into intensive aquarium care at the Baltimore Aquarium late yesterday after congressional interrogations caused a severe nervous reaction. The episode, described as, “insane,” by onlookers, caused an enormous spill of salt water as a fishtank materialized under Sessions, spilling its salinated contents over the floor of the Congressional chamber.
Mindy Perot has been charged with leading the evacuation of a doomed Mars colony in the aftermath of a devastating volcanic eruption. She has saved some residents from a messy end, but can she possibly get them all to the transport craft before it’s too late?
A recent WikiLeaks article revealed that the scientists have been using tax revenue to purchase computer cleaner, inhaling an average of ten bottles per scientist per day.
Fans of the Boston Celtics mourned Wednesday morning after the Boston Celtics management announced that their star forward, Gordon Hayward, had been put down by team doctors after breaking his leg. In the wake of his euthanization, Hayward’s four-year, $128 million contract has been rendered null and void. The Celtics management have reportedly spent the leftover contract money on Gulfstream jets.
At a press conference preceding their next game, the Washington Redskins owner, Dan Snyder, announced that the team will be changing their mascot to a humanoid potato before the current NFL season concludes. This comes as a surprise to many fans and opposers of the current team mascot, due to Snyder’s previous statements concerning the team’s current name potentially being offensive to people of Native American heritage. In 2013, Snyder wrote a deeply felt letter to fans of the team explaining that the team name would never change because of the pride, longstanding history, and tradition that the team has. In the press conference he explained his reasoning behind the decision.
The voice boomed as the speaker turned and shut off. The three recruits were packed tight, pressed into their jumpsuits as the tunnel opened and the tram began to make its way through the Martian colony.
The recent moment of silence in the House chamber reinforced the common practice that the best path toward effective action as constituent-appointed legislators is not talking about the issues that provoked them. Environmentalists have hailed the move as a step forward in the administration’s abysmal climate plan.
The EA sports release of the formerly unreleased gameplay footage of Madden NFL 2018: Commissioner Goodell Edition came out as a slam dunk for the video game production studio. The new game, which involves a highly thought-out and synoptic storyline, involves the more administrative tasks of Commissioner Roger Goodell’s job as NFL commissioner.
Trump blows off economic advisors, champions return to archaic, long-abandoned gold standard in 2017
“It makes sense,” President Trump tweeted Tuesday, amidst declarations of open aggression toward belligerent Southeast Asian nations and tirades against the NFL, “that our nation’s economy be centered around the most valuable metal around!”
Ancient Greek Mythology states that on the Ides of September, when Hades would throw a raging house party in his deathly domain, the kegs of ambrosia would be tapped, the bouncer would charge one gold piece per cup and the heat would rise as the floor of molten magma filled the chamber with acrid fumes. As legend has it, Mother Earth, more commonly known as Gaia, would disrobe, due to the excessive heat and the rising temperatures.“Geoscientists stationed at the poles have begun to receive seismic readings indicating large sections of ozone being removed and cast off into space,” a UW scientist stationed at a research outpost in Antarctica said. “The ozone sheets are beginning to resemble large formations of what looks like clothes.”“You see, here,” he said, gesturing to the radar scanner, “this here is an ozone sheet. As the temperature rises on Earth and Gaia becomes frustrated at its inhabitants not recognizing the blatantly obvious facts, she begins to cast off her clothes. You see, that’s a brassiere.”“The climate is obviously not changing,” President Trump said, as he gestured to an enormous, mountain-shaped graph indicating astronomically increasing temperatures, rising exponentially since the start of the Industrial Revolution. “These numbers mean nothing, and science is rapidly becoming irrelevant as my illogical ramblings become more relevant.”Trump then proceeded to remove the climate reading board on the stand, and upturned it, resulting in a modified logarithmic graph. Gasps arose from the reporters.“The temperature since the start of the Industrial Revolution has approached… what’s that number?” Trump asked.“Zero,” a reporter in the Press Room said.“Zero,” Trump said. “The number has been approaching zero.”“As the legend has it, one of the Titans cast into Tartarus queued a flamin’ track on the DJ deck,” the researcher said. “As the bass built and the track dropped, the entire dance floor went crazy. The ambrosia kegs were flowing freely, and the party reached its peak.“Gaia is disrobing as a direct result of the temperature on Earth getting hotter and hotter,” the researcher said. “It’s getting hot in here, and she’s taking off all her clothes.”
Study finds immature behavior, vulgar language clinically linked to regular Monster energy drink consumption
Monster Energy has found itself under public scrutiny in recent days after a University of Wisconsin study released Friday established a correlation between excessive consumption of the energy drink and immature, verbally belligerent behavior.“Based on the parameters we have noticed,” a leading researcher at the University of Wisconsin said, “it is evident that mere exposure to the Monster Energy brand elicits an adverse reaction in some of the consumers, namely those who expose themselves to the accelerant and then engage in highly stimulating activities, such as video games.”The global sports drink brand, highly recognizable for its role in promoting action sports events like motocross, snowboarding and monster truck derbies, has come under global scrutiny in recent weeks for its links to adverse behavior among several professional video game athletes. Additionally, the logo’s ubiquitous presence on extreme sports jerseys, mixed martial arts octagons and various strains of third-rate apparel has established the three-clawed swipe as one of the world’s most damaged brands.“[The Major League Gaming Convention] gave us a perfect testing ground to see just how Monster affects people’s frontal lobes,” a UW researcher said. “Imagine turning the entire convention center into one giant test tube, without a control group, and zero operational parameters.”The communication link of one gamer, StarFox69, was cut after a torrent of profanity poured from his gaming headset. Subjects and expletives included the mothers of opposing gamers, the responsiveness of his teammates and Gov. Scott Walker.“He just started going bonkers,” said one of the MLG gamers surveyed, “and went off the rails.”Analysts of StarFox69’s behavior describe the erratic nature of his comments and the precise placement of the verbal outburst, occurring immediately after the consumption of six units of Monster—equivalent to over fifty ounces, or three pounds, of concentrated liquid adrenaline.“Kids are playing video games younger and younger,” a leading scientist said, “and with that exposure comes related exposure to substances—much like facing the pressures associated with socializing at a top-ranked party school. We can only hope that kids are responsible with their choices while engaging in these games.”
The Dane County Sheriff’s Department has declared a regional state of emergency for the neighborhood surrounding a Coca-Cola plant in Middleton after 48 cases of Mentos were found hidden within the manufacturing pipeline. The incident, confirmed as an act of terror by regional officials, was allegedly intended to set off a chemical chain reaction between the candies and the volumes of Coke produced within the plant. Thankfully, a vigilant floor worker discovered the cases of Mentos before the plant’s auto-filtration system turned on, engulfing the minty gummy candy in Coca-Cola and embroiling the entire plant in a sugary tsunami of carbonated death.
The exasperation was palpable across fired FBI director James Comey’s face on Thursday morning as he traipsed through the ordeal of sitting in a government building for reasons other than obtaining a boating license.“To be honest, I’d rather eat radioactive waste by myself than dine with President Trump,” Comey said, clearing his throat into the microphone. “I was really looking forward to a kitesurfing vacation with an eccentric billionaire like Richard Branson, and I am disheartened by the fact that Washington wants me back.”Laptop keyboards at the hands of Politico and Buzzfeed reporters were hammering away as Comey blasted away one-liner after one-liner of his time working with progressively inept members of the Trump administration.Former FBI officials agree that Comey’s experience as a fired FBI director is not commonplace, owing to exceptional levels of political and social turmoil across the federal government after the installation of dysfunctional executive staff with record-low levels of political skill.“Hopefully this hearing only lasts one day,” Comey said, “and I’d prefer them to put me up in the Watergate. I’d rather have my phones tapped than stay in that disasterpiece of a hotel Trump built down the street.Trump likes tweeting about his tapes. The American people want to see some tapes—namely those tapes with the call girls and the golden shower from the Russian hotel. WikiLeaks could prove itself useful and make that information public.“It’s unfortunate that Bannon isn’t present, front-row, at these hearings. Seeing as he’s the maniac who orchestrated this; why blame the ushers for a bad show?“And Kellyanne Conway…” Comey lamented, “conversations with her are like talking to a Chia Pet.”