Many people believe that humans can only live for 115 years tops but, as it turns out, the cure for mortality may date back as far as the 1500s. Of course, this was only recently discovered and the cure is being hoarded by an old white misogynist, but it’s stupefying nonetheless.
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In the era of coronavirus nothing matters anymore, so why is it still so hard to win a stuffed animal from a claw machine?
Whether it’s by the women’s restroom at Dave & Buster's or tucked away behind the electronic dart board at your local pizza restaurant, the claw machine continues to be the bane of human existence. It is indiscriminate. Regardless of race, class or religion, the claw machine will stare you down and assert its almighty dominance.
Due to the global coronavirus pandemic, Dean of Students Lori Berquam wasn’t the only one saying “don’t go” to Mifflin this year. Governor Evers got in on the action by passing the "Safer at Home" order which prohibits public gatherings until May 26th. Of course, that didn’t stop the most ‘murican of Americans from descending on Madtown for the occasion.
Evers: Illinois residents to be placed on each street corner as encouragement for Wisconsinites to stay inside
Nothing makes a Wisconsinite’s skin crawl more than a goddamn FIB (Fucking Illinois Bastard) cutting across four lanes of traffic while eating a deep-dish pizza so you can stare at the Chicago Bears decal and license plate border on the back of their compact sedan. FIBs are to Sconnies as treadmills to Chris Christie.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Social media icon selflessly uses platform to raise nation's spirits, miraculously aiding worried souls with kind words through life-shattering pandemic
Karen McSmith — styled as @ksmizzy on Instagram — made waves last evening with clips she posted on her Instagram during the afternoon. Known to her millions of adoring fans — popularly called the Smizzy Army — as an influencer, she took to social media to address them during these uncertain times.
UW-Madison attempts to compensate for student unemployment concerns with Starship emotional support positions
Many students who have lost their opportunity to work due to the coronavirus pandemic are struggling to make ends meet and to finalize their summer plans. While the university has offered some remote working positions, there are many students who don’t feel secure and remain concerned for their future.
Discus thrower from UW-Madison wins gold at Olympic qualifying event, credits holding doors, breaking falls for success
UW-Madison freshman Alex O’Johnson has made waves in recent days for his heroic display at a qualifying event for the 2020 Tokyo Olympics, to be held in 2021. In front of a grand audience of two cameras and a cat, he smashed the Olympic record for discus throwing, reaching 88 meters — or as normal people would say, 288.714 feet — in his very first attempt. Seeing such a stellar first throw, the remaining participant decided to walk away, handing O’Johnson an easy peasy lemon squeezy victory.
Madisonians hope UW-Madison’s ‘party’ dorms will be the first converted into emergency overflow rooms
Following the news that UW-Madison dorms may transform into emergency overflow rooms if area hospitals face over capacity issues given the growing amount of COVID-19 cases, many Madisonians have come forward to advocate that “party” dorms should be the first to be converted.
Like a rabbit burrowed in a hole
The “until tomorrow” challenge has taken Instagram by storm, but before long, activity on the app hit a standstill when @covid_19 joined in on the trend.
We reached out to one of the first members of the UW-Madison community to contract coronavirus: Chad McBrad for a view into how college students are both dealing with COVID-19 and working to prevent its spread throughout their community.
The silence suffocates me
Announcing an end to their use of superdelegates, the Democratic Party plans to interfere with democratic process using far subtler method: Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots
As of Monday, the Democratic Party announced that they will no longer use superdelegates to nominate a candidate for the general election. Rather, in order to interfere with the process of selecting a Democratic nominee, the party will instead force the candidates to play each other in a game of Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots — a method far less obvious and intrusive than giving high-ranking party officials the opportunity to nominate a candidate potentially over the veto of the voter base.
TAMPA, Fla. — As of this past week, it was confirmed that Tom Brady is social distancing from the New England Patriots, meaning that team members will now only be able to digitally slap him on the ass after a good play. After 20 seasons and six Super Bowl wins with the franchise, a coronavirus pandemic is what it took to finally end Brady’s time with the Patriots.
Breaking: somebody finally found the end of a rainbow … and a Bernie-supporting leprechaun.
As I walk down an alleyway dimly lit
STEM departments uncancel class: “Coronavirus panic creates exact type of stressful environment we want to train our students to thrive in”
ECB OR E-HALL OR SOME SHIT — Following the decision by the University of Wisconsin-Madison to cancel face-to-face instruction after spring break and until April 10th, the university’s STEM departments have collectively announced that they will still hold class in defiance of the university’s decision.
ANCIENT ISRAEL – Let’s be real now, Jesus did fucking cocaine. The world likes to sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened, but any minor reevaluation of the biblical era would reveal that our main man snorted his fair share of stardust (after all, anybody with that kind of flow must surely dabble with a bit of blow). For example, how do you think Jesus was able to miraculously feed 5,000? That shit takes a lot of time, the only way it could have been possible was with the energy boost one gets from a doing smooth line — and with the grace of God of course. Hence my point that anywhere you look, any stone of religious history you upturn, the reality of our messiah’s substance use is as obvious as his cocaine was pure. I mean, we’ve all heard the story of Christ turning water into wine, but deep down inside we all know he was actually turning heretical blokes into some fine-ass coke. He didn’t do his drugs like a bitch either. No, Jesus was a goddamn animal who could take any white mound to town. So, despite what your lame priest tells you, I hope you’ll remember that cocaine addiction is not out of step with the holy lifestyle of our savior — and if you find yourself out raging on the weekend and your best bro offers you some powdery snow, remember to stop and think to yourself, “what would Jesus do?”