Kelly Penelope Bartholomew-Stevens, a self proclaimed travel blogger, explained that while other trips have been funded by her family and instagram base off her pyramid scheme business, that this trip was “supposed to be different.”
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In a classic 2020 what-the-fuck plot twist, the University of Wisconsin Police Department attacked ASM Chair Matthew Mitnick on Twitter with a strikingly large amount of confidence — especially for a department which faces a crisis of public confidence.
In lieu of canceled presidential debate, Fox News to just air ninety minutes of Trump screaming at a Mr. Potato Head
The Presidential Debate Commission has canceled the second debate, initially set to be held on Oct. 16, in order to curb the spread of the coronavirus after Trump yielded a positive test. A virtual debate was suggested to both the candidates, however, Trump declined because of some bullshit his team made up — I don’t even know.
A wave of support for climate change legislation erupted from the streets of Madison last week in response to the string of wildfires on the West Coast.
Aides of Sen. Ron Johnson, R-Wis., are unsure how to approach their boss, who has vehemently opposed mask mandates with the information that a moon suit would do the same thing as a mask but be so much stupider. This crisis among the staff members comes after Sen. Johnson said he would vote to appoint Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court in person despite testing positive for COVID-19, saying “I’ll wear a moon suit if I have to.”
One week after their bold decision to vote “no confidence” in the UW-Madison Police Department, Associated Students of Madison have moved to voice their disapproval for another problematic institution at the university.
Nov. 3 is approaching faster than anyone could have hoped for. If you’re anything like me, this primary and general election cycle has cut down your will to live more than when Corn Pop, a bad dude by the way, tried to cut candidate Vice President Joe Biden in 1962. Despite our impending doom regardless of the decided candidate, we can still make the best out of a bad situation. I introduce to you: The Biden-Trump presidential debate drinking game. Grab a drink — virgin if you must —, a bottle of your favorite liquor and a group of your friends or roommates; there’s no excuse — it’s not like any of you have classes to get up and walk to anyway.
Man wants to jump off bridge after Presidential Debate but doesn’t trust structural integrity of America’s bridges
It wasn’t a debate. It was an infomercial for anger management. It was what happens when Tom Hanks and John Goodman haven’t eaten their Snickers. It’s what it’s like to watch Step Brothers with drunk goggles for your ears. It was nails on a chalkboard if you had cheated on the chalk board with the nails. It’s what you can expect if Walmart started selling ‘Divorced Parents in a Can.’ It was a punch in the stomach for America. And it drove area man Lloyd Bedfordsmanberg to the edge.
In an interview with campus newspapers on Tuesday, Chancellor Rebecca Blank stated that the removal of a historic statue of Abraham Lincoln on Bascom Hill was a “nonstarter,” shutting down demands made by various BIPOC organizations and individuals on campus who have claimed the statue serves to reinforce white supremacy.
UWPD officers arrested all members of ASM Wednesday morning to show how well they can do their job following the campus organization’s vote of No Confidence in UWPD on Tuesday night.
After the tragic passing of feminist icon and 27-year Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader-Ginsburg on Friday, President Trump and his GOP, a party of deeply-faithful Christians that cherish the sanctity of human life, have decided to honor Ginsburg’s dying wish and the precedent they set in 2016 that she not be replaced until after this Nov. 3 election.
This past Sunday, a Madison man filed suit against the sky after being hit with a raining kangaroo. Frederick Harold Schumer-Harold, the subject of the case, experienced severe injuries to his sense of what is possible in the physical world and is seeking damages of 18 clouds.
Associated Students of Madison has opened up an investigation into Becky Blank’s alleged collusion with the coronavirus, according to a statement from the ASM Press Office this morning. A special counsel will be appointed in the coming weeks and begin investigating the Chancellor.
The hallways of Witte painted a stark contrast this weekend to what they looked like during the alleged lockdown. Mask-less freshmen crowded the lobby and elevators in their best crop tops and jersey-hoodie combos in pursuit of the allusive bar scene and Langdon houses that had yet to be shut down.
In a semester that is now entirely online, several professors have chosen to implement new technology to ensure academic honesty. Many classes now require students to use certain programs which can detect if students open up a new window during online exams, or even video a student’s room to catch if notes are being used.
I find myself writhing in bed
The COVID-19 pandemic has created a host of new situations that the world is still learning how to adapt to. For instance, how should schools approach reopening their classrooms? What are options for people to vote safely in upcoming elections? Should sports teams plan on making a comeback?
With decline in number of students lost in Humanities labyrinth, Minotaur from third floor using newfound free time to find love
In a typical semester, the Humanities Building Minotaur, Pete McChompsalot (A.K.A. Sir Chompsalot, AKA. Peter the Student Eater, AKA. 2Chompz), has a full schedule ripping arms and biting heads off of all the lost students of Humanities who cross his path on the third floor. However, since the onset of the coronavirus pandemic which forced the majority of classes to go online, McChompsalot has been severely starved for activity.
Controversy has mounted recently in response to a tweet by Starship robot F13G78A2, who simply goes by Helen. After tweeting — and then deleting — a post on Thursday which read “Starship Lives Matter,” many have spoken out saying that the tweet was offensive and inappropriate.
Cardinal staffers are easily some of the quirkiest and most talented people in existence. After all, we have folks who can do flawless dead person impressions on the rickety couches in the office during peak work hours and masterful orators who treat the small office space as a State of the Union address with their booming voices.