TAMPA, Fla. — As of this past week, it was confirmed that Tom Brady is social distancing from the New England Patriots, meaning that team members will now only be able to digitally slap him on the ass after a good play. After 20 seasons and six Super Bowl wins with the franchise, a coronavirus pandemic is what it took to finally end Brady’s time with the Patriots.
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Breaking: somebody finally found the end of a rainbow … and a Bernie-supporting leprechaun.
As I walk down an alleyway dimly lit
STEM departments uncancel class: “Coronavirus panic creates exact type of stressful environment we want to train our students to thrive in”
ECB OR E-HALL OR SOME SHIT — Following the decision by the University of Wisconsin-Madison to cancel face-to-face instruction after spring break and until April 10th, the university’s STEM departments have collectively announced that they will still hold class in defiance of the university’s decision.
ANCIENT ISRAEL – Let’s be real now, Jesus did fucking cocaine. The world likes to sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened, but any minor reevaluation of the biblical era would reveal that our main man snorted his fair share of stardust (after all, anybody with that kind of flow must surely dabble with a bit of blow). For example, how do you think Jesus was able to miraculously feed 5,000? That shit takes a lot of time, the only way it could have been possible was with the energy boost one gets from a doing smooth line — and with the grace of God of course. Hence my point that anywhere you look, any stone of religious history you upturn, the reality of our messiah’s substance use is as obvious as his cocaine was pure. I mean, we’ve all heard the story of Christ turning water into wine, but deep down inside we all know he was actually turning heretical blokes into some fine-ass coke. He didn’t do his drugs like a bitch either. No, Jesus was a goddamn animal who could take any white mound to town. So, despite what your lame priest tells you, I hope you’ll remember that cocaine addiction is not out of step with the holy lifestyle of our savior — and if you find yourself out raging on the weekend and your best bro offers you some powdery snow, remember to stop and think to yourself, “what would Jesus do?”
Elizabeth Warren Accused of Tanking Campaign to Receive First Overall Draft Pick for 2024 Presidential Election
Following her lackluster Super Tuesday performance, multiple sources are accusing Elizabeth Warren of tanking her campaign in order to receive the first overall draft pick for the 2024 Presidential Campaign Season. Warren has denied the allegations.
The world really didn’t need Canada Goose™. Not only is the company an embarrassingly large tarnish on Canada’s name, but people are still donning the wretched brand on their backs. Despite article after article exposing the company’s god-awful practices, Canada Goose™ is still kicking.
Amidst arguments over what makes a candidate electable, the Democratic National Convention introduced a brand-new, streamlined process for determining if any of the remaining presidential candidates are fit for office.
she was a cloud
Siempre te encuentro aquí,
Sometimes, I can’t sleep at night,
maybe I was an afterthought,
Late last Wednesday Kobe King announced his decision to immediately leave the Badger Men’s basketball team, citing a growing frustration with head coach Greg Gard as the reason for his departure. While the initial statement was shocking for many Badger fans, new revelations around King’s final meeting with Gard are coming to light.
I present you with a brief math problem: Candace sits outside in the grass on an August day with her friend Tony (he insists on being called Tonacious D but just fucking call him Tony). They both are drinking organic, fresh squeezed lemonade in a compostable cup. Candace got a large size, and her cup’s base has a 3 inch diameter, the lid has a 3.75 inch diameter and the cup’s height is 8 inches. Tony — for whom the nickname “The Tonado” is likewise unacceptable — does not have a lemonade because he is poor, I lied about the part where I said they were both drinking lemonade. He then turns to Candace and says, “it’s hot as balls out here.”
Nearly three years after Theresa May invoked Article 50, setting forth a long and dramatic Brexit saga, the UK finally exited the European Union as Big Ben struck 11:00 p.m. on Jan. 31, 2020. Though the road ahead ushers in an era of great uncertainty as there is still much to sort out in regard to the divorce, the EU is rejoicing with glee after its freedom from what has been a toxic and unhealthy relationship for quite some time now.
Floating around in a sea of strangers
Though students are only in their second week of the 2020 spring semester at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, spirits are already quite low. This is most clearly seen on the campus’s many crosswalks, especially those that intersect with some of Madison’s most busy roads: it seems that students have developed a total disregard for crossing signals.
Preston awoke from his daze. Feeling foggy, groggy and unmoored, he slowly began to collect himself. As he regained awareness, he couldn’t help but notice the lack of familiarity of his surroundings. Everywhere he looked was barren and the ground was coated is some form of soapy residue, the likes of which he had never seen. Whatever this strange place was, it was certain that Preston was very far from his home. Perhaps even as much as forty centimeters away.
Spring semester is upon us! With the first week of classes quickly approaching, so too does that awkward first-day icebreaker. Instead of ignoring other people’s names while you scramble last-second to think of something interesting to say about yourself, feel free to use one of Almanac’s suggestions.
As the clock struck midnight on January 1st, 2020, the Times Square Ball wasn’t the only ball dropping for the new year. Area teen James Smith reported that this year, his balls, too, had partaken in the long-standing New Year’s tradition.