Almanac

Cardinalscopes: How you will contract coronavirus based on your sign

Scientists have recently uncovered evidence showing that contracting COVID-19 is highly dependent on zodiac sign.
Scientists have recently uncovered evidence showing that contracting COVID-19 is highly dependent on zodiac sign. Image By: Graphic by jinxed

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Your competitive, energetic and driven nature ensures that you never take no for an answer. That’s why when you were told to stay home and to not be a #covidiot, you said, “um, no thank you. I’m only on day 14 of my 40 day booty routine and I will not take any days off! Besides, everyone always wipes off the machines at the gym after they're done using them, so what's the risk anyway?" Now it is day 29 of the Poppin’ Booty Beauty Exercise Extravaganza® and the pneumonia is starting to get to you. But hey, you said no days off, right?

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You are loyal, persevering and reliable. But one thing is for sure, you are an S-L-U-T! In an empowering way of course. But that doesn’t negate the reality that you were sleeping with this guy who was sleeping with this girl who was sleeping with these other two girls who were also sleeping with each other and additionally both sleeping with this Catholic priest who was sleeping with a Harry Styles’ makeup artist who had slept with the hotel owner on her trip to China who slept with his neighbor who slept with a lion tamer who was sleeping with coronavirus patient zero. Still, 10/10 would recommend. He was a sensual lover.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

If the coronavirus could pass through the gossip chain, we all know Gemini would have been one of the first to be infected. You are superficial, devious and slutty, so instead, you will most likely confuse six feet with six inches and get too close to another human being at the grocery store. Needless to say, one of your two faces — if not both — will contract the virus. But lucky for you, as one who is ruled by Mercury, you’re fast. Although that is probably meaningless astrological jargon, it could possibly mean that while you will be quick to contract the virus, you will also be quick to get over it. 

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

The coronavirus pandemic is one of those times that you will wish that your mood wasn’t such a slave to the moon’s erratic whim. Everyone knows Cancer gets a little too careless when the full moon hits, and this will cause you to question the seriousness of social distancing and the virus itself. Before you know it, you’ll find yourself in social gatherings that exceed the 10 person limit. Your confidence will soar when the moon becomes a waning gibbous, causing you to turn to makeup tutorials that are well out of your expertise. You will touch your face several times as you try to fix your irreparable eyeliner job that quite frankly looks like a child’s drawing. It will come from a good and innocent place, but the coronavirus doesn’t care. It will take the opportunity to infiltrate through one of your face holes. 

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Despite the many wonderful qualities going for Leos, including creativity, passion and a knack for leadership, one primary flaw is that you kind of tend to be attention whores. Like, big time attention whores. While in quarantine, your perpetual boredom and lack of social interaction has led you to overstate your presence on social media. Constant instagram posts, snapchat stories and tweets have begun to drive your followers mad — all unbeknownst to you of course. That’s why, when your self-proclaimed number one fan sent you an adorable custom blanket with a quote inspired by one of your tik toks, you were thrilled! You cuddled up in it every chance you got, and made sure to inform your followers of your popularity of course. After a few days, however, you began to feel feverish and couldn’t stop sweating profusely in your sleep. Could it be the coronavirus? How? You’ve been social distancing and washing your hands diligently. The only contact with the outside world has been the blanket @tiktokqween33 sent you … uh oh.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Virgos are hardworking and modest, but they also notice everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. They are the world’s quality control officers, the fashion police. That’s why when your best gal pal rolled up wearing that outfit, you had to do something about it. It doesn’t matter if there is a state mandated stay at home order due to a public health emergency, this is a fashion emergency! You had no choice, breaking quarantine to run to Pitaya is an absolute must! And as long as you’re out, might as well get some new foundation at [insert boujee makeup store]. Oh look! Some lipstick samples. Um, yes please! Aaaaaaand now you’re in the ICU.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Social, fair-minded, lover-of-beautiful things Libra. Social isolation is really getting to you, and you will see the release of the gorgeously curated film "Trolls World Tour" as an impossible test to your perseverance and strength. Disgusted at the fact that large, monopolistic companies like Amazon are charging a whopping $20 for die-hard Trolls fans to experience a mere hour and 34 minutes of joy during their time in quarantine, the diplomat within yourself will find that the only solution to this ghastly problem will be to drop the $20, fashion cute Trolls themed snacks and decorations and invite as many people as possible to your viewing party. While this will save the $20 for many, it will also infect most everyone involved. Hopefully Princess Poppy will get away unscathed… 

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Voting in the primaries despite the Wisconsin Supreme Court’s efforts to suppress your right to vote? Your bravery really got the best of you this time, Scorpio. That pen that you used to fill in the bubble next to Bernie Sanders’ name? Fifty other helplessly optimistic voters who also happened to be carriers of the coronavirus touched that very writing instrument. Just remember, things would be different if the U.S. government actually gave a shit about you. 

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) 

You are generous, optimistic and always down for an adventure! Most importantly though, you are deeply philosophical. That’s why you couldn’t just theorize, you had to test it out for yourself: if you catch coronavirus in the woods, but nobody is there to hear it, have you really caught coronavirus at all? As it turns out, yes. Yes, you have. But hey, now we know!

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Your ambitious, disciplined nature will inexplicably drive you to perfect a makeshift zen garden where you can relax during this pandemic. But your need for instant gratification will destroy, or at least severely delay, this wholesome project: when you finally receive that 50,000-count pack of Orbeez in the mail, you’ll forget to cleanse it with Lysol before diving in. Though you’ll get a head start on the garden, two weeks later you’ll have a dramatic That’s-So-Raven-esque flashback to when you failed to sanitize the Orbeez packaging. At least you’ll have a fully decorated zen garden perfect for a peaceful recovery. 

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

If it weren’t for your deep-rooted shyness and independence, the stars predict that you, little Aquarius, could be the sign that avoids contracting the coronavirus altogether. But we can’t have everything, now can we? One day, someone close to you will begin displaying the virus’s symptoms, and together, you will rush to the hospital. Once you get there, however, your shyness will take over and you’ll be too afraid to ask for a mask. Weeks later when you start showing symptoms, your sense of independence will remind you that you “don’t need no man...” even if that man is a doctor.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) 

You are sensitive, caring and sooo artistic. Like OMG girl that’s the sexiest macaroni necklace I’ve ever seen! You also love love love to party. Frats, house parties, bars, student union shindigs, quinceaneras and even alleyway ragers are one thousand percent your scene. You must’ve just been in the wrong place at the wrong time hitting the wrong vape. Curse that darn nicotine addiction!*

*Lesson learned: vaping gives you coronavirus. Learn how you can ditch the Juul today at https://www.thetruth.com/ 

†This article has been sponsored by Truth

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