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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, June 25, 2022

Warner Bros announces sexy cut of Space Jam 2

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

After intense internet backlash following director Malcolm Lee’s decision to desexualize the image of Lola Bunny in the upcoming remake of the classic 1996 film “Space Jam”, Warner Bros has announced that a triple-X cut of the movie will be released later this year. 

The company is billing the movie as the “sexiest, most booty-licious sequel ever created.”

“We really had no idea that getting rid of the anthropomorphized rabbit’s boobs would make people this upset,” one executive said. “Nevertheless, we feel we need to give our audience what it really wants.”

The new cut of the film will reportedly draw inspiration from Wattpad fanfictions authored by weird perverts. 

“Some writers get their ideas from dreams, or from greats like Shakespeare,” said Pete Krungus, one of the film’s creators. “I’m different though. My aha moment was when I read the line, ‘I want you to slam jam me, Bugs!’”

To tease the film, Warner Bros also announced a few details to give audiences an idea of what the movie will be all about. Here are a few of the scenes viewers have to look forward to:

  • Instead of painting a false tunnel on the gymnasium wall for Wile E. Coyote to run into, Road Runner will paint a fake glory-hole to trick his foe. 
  • Daisy Duck will do a 30-minute stand-up routine where she just talks about her corkscrew vagina the whole time.
  • Bugs Bunny will have a massive bulge outline that is clearly visible in every scene he’s featured in.
  • New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo will make a cameo appearance.
  • LeBron will use Tweety as a butt plug.
  • Finally, and most importantly, Lola Bunny will be hot and have huge boobs again.
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