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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, May 27, 2022

Texas to remove history from curriculum due to inclusion of information

State State officials are ensuring that students are proud of Texas and the United States by giving them as little access to historical facts as possible.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

On April 15, the Florida Department of Education announced that approximately 41% of math textbooks were denied acceptance into next school year’s curriculum. This follows concern that the rejects included aspects of critical race theory such as social-emotional learning, which Republican leaders have been staunchly against from the time they were burning ants alive with a magnifying glass while other children were developing empathy and making friends. 

Well, everything is bigger in Texas, including moves to dismantle the intellectual and emotional wellbeing of millions of people.

The Texas Education Agency announced via a press release Wednesday morning that effective next school year, history will no longer be taught as part of the public school curriculum. The main reason for the switch was cited to be that history classes “gave students too much information.” 

“Further,” the release reads, “the best way to make sure students are proud of both the Longhorn State and the United States is to give their developing minds as little access to historical facts as possible.”

Texas lawmakers have long faced scrutiny for the education system neglecting to include the role of slavery in the state’s history. When asked why public schools don’t simply continue to do so, Governor Greg Abbott responded by saying that “kids are starting to ask questions” and that they’re “beginning to suspect that slaves didn’t stay willingly for the fresh air and comraderie.”

While mathematics and science were also on the chopping block at one point, the subjects were ultimately allowed to remain on a year-by-year basis once government officials realized that the supply of guns and ammunition would dwindle significantly if Texas was only home to individuals whose sole areas of expertise were conspiracy theories and hand turkeys.

However, this was not realized without thorough experimentation, which would not have been conducted if those put in charge knew that experiments are a scientific concept. 

Senator Ted Cruz was used as the primary subject in the effort to find out if one could construct a firearm without having any knowledge in areas that create well-informed and contributing members of society.

Senator Cruz was placed at a table and asked to pick which of the three objects in front of him — a stack of pennies, a block of steel and a Nacho Cheese Dorito — are included in the gun-making process. However, the study was halted after the senator put the Dorito in his wallet and the pennies in his mouth.

Now that there’s 45 minutes unaccounted for in each school day, the Texas Education Agency is scrambling to find a way to fill the time. While no solution has been formally presented, the current frontrunner is believed to be a form of extra recess in which students are required to lay face-down on the grass with their ears covered for the duration of the period to ensure that Texas’ young minds are exposed to as little as possible.

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