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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, May 23, 2024
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An ode to freedom (more lanes)

Freedom is very easy to obtain. I do not make this request in vain. The NIMBYs will think this proposal profane. For the cars, who none are thinking of, it is humane. Please, for the love of God, just give us one more lane.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Start of the day

The alarm was set for seven. I woke up at eight.

I pressed snooze too many times, and now I’m going to be late.

No time for breakfast. Not a full shower today.

My shirt is a bit wrinkled, but I guess that’s okay.

I expect traffic to be a nightmare, mentally it will cause me pain.

I know what would fix this. Please just give us one more lane.


Leave my apartment, pat my pockets, triple check the locks.

Start my car, let out a deep sigh and affirm myself with “my life rocks.”

Oh jeez. Oh man. I forgot my phone. Today is going to be scary.

Turn on the radio instead of listening to my playlist. Traffic report tells me to be wary.

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Roads are backed up. Every day feels the same.

I know what would fix this. Please just give us one more lane.


I attempt to turn out onto the street to a long wait.

It’s 8:50 now, I’m going to be more than late.

I need to come up with some excuse; we have a podcast taping this morning.

Something grand and believable that makes waking up late not boring.

Finally move onto the street to immediately have to stop. It’s making me feel insane.

I know what would fix this. Please just give us one more lane.


The commute

Time’s continuously slipping, and whatever excuse I can come up with will be poor.

Cars upon cars flooding the streets, to get over is a war.

There are too many people. I tell myself thinking I’m not part of the problem.

There’s a simple solution that can fix everything. I know what can solve them

all. One more lane will make all the pain and strife disappear.

But I’m worried about the NIMBYs and their refusal to hear

any solution that would fix the city would be turned down again.

I know what would fix this. Please just give us one more lane.


Our cars are the ticket to living life in the city.

Public infrastructure is okay, but Metro is frankly shitty.

You tell me to just wait for the BRT, that will make everything better.

But more buses and restricted lanes will cause cars to fetter.

We can be so much freer if we use eminent domain.

I know what would fix this. Please just give us one more lane.


Wind blasts through my hair, endlessly I’ll pay

for gas and maintenance because I don’t see another way.

You mention walkable cities but think of the cars. Where will they go?

Parking is already hard enough for my gas-guzzling Tahoe.

Criminal speeding with poor visibility in the pouring rain.

I know what would fix this. Please just give us one more lane.


Lobby for more freedom

I decided to be the change I want to see.

I’ll go door-to-door knocking for neighbors to hear my plea.

A Common Council meeting is where I’ll state my case.

Register for public comment and cry for the need of more space.

“Madison’s leaders,” after a 2:55 ode to cars I say, “we need to spend a—"

Cut off. My time is up. My comment wasn’t pertinent to the agenda.

Surely my passion for freedom will garner me fame.

I know what would fix this. Please just give us one more lane.


But yet there is a chance. This year is an election year, so I’ll throw in my hat.

Since no one else will think of the cars, I’ll step up to bat.

“Take down the parks, bike lanes and neighborhoods!”

It sounds concerning to most, but I’m running for the public’s good.

I will be a single-issue candidate with one thing centered for my campaign.

I know what would fix this. Please just give us one more lane.


I didn’t win. My cause fell on deaf ears.

Now for the next two years, every driver will live in fear.

As long as I breathe, my mission will be just.

Next election cycle, I know what to do. It won’t be a bust.

I promise to cut down on all of our commutes throughout Dane.

I know what would fix this. Please just give us one more lane.

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