On Wednesday morning, sources from the National Basketball Association confirmed that attempts to apprehend and unmask the unidentified fiend terrorizing Miami Heat home-games had been a spectacular failure. All told, 83 arena security officers and soda vendors were hospitalized in this most recent attempt, creating uproar across the country and demands for government intervention into the situation.
“This individual has inflicted an unprecedented amount of damage on our league. Kobe Bryant is still missing, though we have received ransom demands stating he would be released if Kobe’s MVP awards, championships, and All Star statistics were transferred over to LeBron James. At this point we’re just weighing our options,” said NBA commissioner Adam Silver.
While many have speculated that the true identity of this nefarious titan of basketball related crime was LeBron James himself, sources close to the oh-so humble King James confirmed today that he is completely innocent.
“No, Bronzy pinky promised me at last week’s team sleepover he didn’t know anything about Basket-Man. And that man, who is beautiful, honest, and generous in both body and spirit, would never lie to me, as we are besties,” said a starry eyed Chris Bosh at an association ice cream social.
When asked for further commentary, King James told this reporter, “Nope, not sure what you all are talking about. Just playing B-ball, winning championships, healing my broken nose, sure do love this mask. Shame they asked me to change the color to clear, definitely didn’t have a nice black leather cape picked out or anything like that.”
At press time, Dwight Howard and Tim Duncan reported acts of vandalism being committed against them: “Loser’s don’t get to be champs,” having been carved into their front doors.
