This in no way meant to be funny. Take my arguments how you will, but whatever you do, don’t chuckle whatsoever, or I’ll get violently angry. I think aliens are totally real. And by God (does it make sense to use Him/Her in this context?), you will not convince me otherwise.
OK, before you try to act all smart with your empiricism and rationality and proof and whatever other things you people use to make coherent, sensible arguments, just shut up for a minute.
I haven’t been abducted, and as far as I know, little green men haven’t been probing me in my sleep (sorry if reading some insane story was the only thing you were looking forward to in this column). Although, I feel like that story has been told a zillion times, so you should just read this anyway because my version of the Truth is much more entertaining than listening to some delusional half-baked stargazer babble uncontrollably about making first contact).
There’s also a high level of legitimacy to my hypothesis. Experts have told me that my hypothesis falls somewhere between the fields of astrology and Scientology—the real sciences. The names don’t lie.
Doesn’t anybody else think it’s a bit weird that in an insanely-fucking-enormous universe, such as ours, there’s only one tiny little planet that is known to support (intelligent?) life. See, this is some heavy shit people. I’m not joking around, not one bit.
I despise those “informed” ignoramuses who act like they’re so smart because they’ve thought things through and read books and stuff. The worst part is that they always end up getting tons of ass and huge paychecks. They don’t deserve anything. That’s why I just skip the thinking and get everything right without using any logic or doing any prolonged research whatsoever. Nothing about this is funny at all, and I’m 100 percent correct. Prove me wrong, bro.
The first premise of my extraterrestrial schema is that you have to believe in time travel (still not laughing here).
I mean, why wouldn’t you think time travel is totally real? We’re all travelling through time right now. OK, maybe we don’t diverge from the tic tock of the clock in our daily lives. But I’m positive aliens do.
My dream is to give an alien a time-traveling high-five—like one where both parties involved just know that it’s perfect because it makes an absurdly loud “CLAP” sound but at the same time is totally painless. I call it a high-infinity. It’s heavenly and immediately radiates a second-hand infinity high. How many fingers do aliens have? Not sure. Wait no, they have the same number of fingers as humans, I’m completely positive. It matters that they’re anatomically similar to us. Oh yeah, on that note, conservation of energy and matter is completely irrelevant. I’ve never been more serious in my whole life.
All of the videos of UFO sightings that I’ve seen on YouTube have ended with the high-tech, shiny spacecraft abruptly disappearing into oblivion. Explain that. I know I can. It’s because aliens have figured out how to reduce, reuse and recycle atoms. Yes folks, you heard me right. Where do you honestly think we get our catchiest slogans from anyway?
Aliens utilize a process known on Earth as reverse-osmosynthebustalocation to do this. In layman’s terms: They make matter indefinitely implode. The whole thing is a pretty technical process, so it’s probably better if I don’t get into it. There was a chiropractor from Prague, Dr. Avery Von Goldenbloom, who apparently figured out how to do it back in the late ’70s. Nobody’s seen or heard from him since.
There’s a lot more grave and unfunny and undeniably truthful evidence that I could explain to you about the existence of aliens. But at the end of the day, all that really matters is the fact that I’m right and there’s nothing you can say or do to change my mind.
Do you know for a fact that aliens are real? Help Andy enlighten the uninformed masses. Send him at email at holsteen@dailycardinal.com.
