I think of myself as a smart person (stop laughing), but no matter what, there will be things I just cannot and will never comprehend.
For example, the budget deficit.Wasn’t the American fiscal system designed by Alexander Hamilton to always be in debt? Wait, what am I talking about? I don’t care that I don’t understand the budget deficit.
However, I don’t understand how I’m supposed to be an adult. Like all of a sudden when I graduate from college I will transform into a glasses-wearing, cigar-smoking grown up who reads the newspaper in the morning? I’ve never kept a goldfish alive for more than three days and you think I can be responsible enough to figure out my Y2K? I know I’m only 20 now, but I can tell you when I’m 40 I’m still going to watch “Adventure Time” and eat lunchables.
I don’t understand how pedestrians can just cross the street without looking. Also, I don’t understand why cars are so inclined to get everywhere so quickly that they’d rather honk at pedestrians than slow down. I guess this is the road-paradox (patent pending) where when I’m driving I hate pedestrians and when I’m walking I hate cars.
Speaking of assholes—cats. Why are they so mean to their owners? I mean, they have a good life: always getting food, sleeping all day, purring like idiots (shit, I might be a cat). But in the end they are just complete jerks. Look at dogs; they’re cool, they’re fun, they do everything without thinking about it (like vomiting and then eating that vomit. God, I want a dog). Why can’t cats be cool and not complete jerks? Just talking about their smugness has got me fired up. Fuck cats.
I’m going to say it, I don’t understand the vagina.
I don’t understand David Stern or Roger Goodell. Stern fined a team for doing the smart thing of resting their starters and Goodell fines players for making football plays. It’s like Stern and Goodell are jockeying for the “Worst Sports Commissioner in America Award” but they will never beat Gary Bettman. How do we live in a world where Bud Selig is the best commissioner? Bud Selig, the guy who totally overlooked the Steroid Era! (Yes, this was my best Bill Simmons impersonation. Next stop, Grantland!)
I don’t understand why British comedy shows don’t translate well into America. I mean we steal everything else from Great Britain (“American Idol,” “Who Wants to Be A Millionaire” and Simon Cowell), why don’t most sitcoms work? Sure we have “The Office,” but great shows like “The IT Crowd,” “Peep Show” and “The Inbetweeners” get terrible American remakes. Are the humors of the Americans and the British that much difference that we can’t get good remakes? I mean we live in a world where “Two and a Half Men” has had 10 seasons, so I guess American senses of humor are just not as good.
I don’t get why we haven’t integrated the word hipster as a verb yet. Let me explain, hipster as a verb is when someone says they knew or learned about something before anyone else. I had a friend tell me that he studied World War II books in the second grade, before anyone else. Congratulations man, you just hipstered World War II!
I don’t understand how Vin Diesel, Paul Walker and The Rock keep getting acting jobs. It’s called acting, not stare at the camera, say something with a deep voice and blow up a police car with a rocket launcher-ing. I know that didn’t make sense, but neither does “5 Fast, 5 Furious” (BURN!!!).
I don’t understand why my burrito at Chipotle always disintegrates before I get three bites into it. I don’t understand how Wisconsin can be 60 degrees one day and snowing the next. I don’t understand how anyone does any real work when the Internet exists.
I don’t understand how you’re still reading this.
What don’t you understand? Find the meaning of life by emailing Michael at mvoloshin@wisc.edu.
