THE BEET

Madison police launch support group for former bar raid cops

By Dominic Violante | Oct. 6

“They took my livelihood, my sense of purpose”

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THE BEET

Americans Against the Elderly endorses Cuomo for NYC mayor

By Dominic Violante | Oct. 2

The anti-senior crusaders have thrown their full support behind the former governor for his “stellar record” 

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THE BEET

Kash Patel wins staring contest

By Dominic Violante | Sep. 26

Taking time out of his busy schedule, Kash Patel has become a champion at not blinking for long periods of time

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THE BEET

Who is Peter Pricket? Is this a farewell?

By Peter Pricket | Apr. 24

Here are my final thoughts before I take a break.

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THE BEET

I live on an uninhabited island called PeterPricketistan that Trump put tariffs on. This is my story

By Peter Pricket | Apr. 24

I was going to start a new religion. 

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THE BEET

Congrats! You live in Eastern Europe now

By Ivan Stefanovich | Apr. 24

The United States’ transformation into a model Eastern European state stands as a testament to the nation’s ability to evolve and embrace new paradigms. 

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THE BEET

My great great Russian grandfather was an immigrant. Now I’m protecting the border

By Peter Pricket | Apr. 4

No more American Dream. 

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THE BEET

Polish conservative realizes he’s an immigrant in ethnic studies course

By Peter Pricket | Apr. 4

I had my hands over my face. Next week’s lecture was on the Irish, wait until he finds out about them.

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THE BEET

Elon Musk took a Gold Card out of his ass and gave it to me!

By Peter Pricket | Apr. 3

I graduated from PETA University and then was given a Gold Card. 

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THE BEET

Hawk Tuah girl and I are becoming pool reporters!

By Peter Pricket | Mar. 2

HAWK TUAH ENTERS THE OVAL OFFICE WITH ME. 

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THE BEET

Conservative student discovers pleasure for the first time through sex education module

By Peter Pricket | Dec. 5

Today in my conservative WILL law course, I was told to do course evaluations. But, through a turn of bad clicks, my mouse landed on “SexWise Module.”

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THE BEET

Undercover at Mnookin’s UWPD party: 90 Zyns, ketamine and a hummus platter

By Peter Pricket | Dec. 5

I heard some murmurs of “free speech advocacy,” “marketplaces of ideas” and “DEI.” 

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THE BEET

Vote me for ASM. I will add a Department of Efficiency and cut UHS

By Peter Pricket | Dec. 5

Fuck UHS, go raw milk, go Ozempic, vote me for ASM.  

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THE BEET

New York is for the rats

By Morgan McCormack | Oct. 25

It’s time New York gets the representation it deserves.

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THE BEET

‘Pokémon go to the polls’

By Isabella Barajas | Oct. 25

At an infamous 2016 rally, then-presidential nominee Hillary Clinton made a historic call to action. Over eight years later, we’re still seeing the effects.

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THE BEET

I used to picket. Now I am taking a vow of silence to honor UW’s free speech policy

By Peter Pricket | Oct. 24

I am taking an indefinite vow of silence after University of Wisconsin-Madison Chancellor Jennifer Mnookin released a new profound free speech policy. 

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THE BEET

Ask Morgan, welcome back edition: From starting new to ending unsure, I’m here to answer all your back to school queries.

By Morgan McCormack | Sep. 5, 2024

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.