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(04/15/10 6:00am)
If in the unlikely chance you're reading this, PANIC! ABANDON
ALL HOPE! Drop this paper and run like that Kenyan track star!
Why!? It seems our friends down at the genetics department have
really screwed the pooch with their latest top-secret research.
Early today, during some hush-hush human testing projects involving
building smarter, faster and unquestioning humans for the U.S.
Army, hundreds of their specimens overcame the feebly built
researchers and escaped from the genetics building. The catch? The
test itself recently went horribly wrong, and the fugitives just so
happened to be face-eating zombies. To be blunt, we've got more
Jason Bourne-like zombies streaming out of that building than your
everyday Justin Bieber concert.
(04/07/10 6:00am)
Dieting is really hard when your favorite thing in life is food.
Ask Oprah... or Kirstie Alley. I doubt two people have ridden the
Fight Fat roller coaster harder or more frequently than those two.
After millions of dollars worth of endorsements, supplements,
personal trainers and gym equipment, they still haven't figured out
any secrets to long-lasting weight loss.
(04/05/10 6:00am)
ST. PAUL, Minn.—It didn't seem to matter whether they started
fast or struggled at the start. Both times they took the ice, the
games came down to tense, close final periods as playoff hockey
often does. And at the end of the weekend, after dealing with a
familiar foe and a team just lucky to be there, they finally
reached a goal that was both aimed for at season's start and in
some ways expected.
(03/28/10 6:00am)
The last three times Wisconsin was in this position, 60 minutes
was not sufficient to decide a winner.Saturday night, it was just
enough. The Wisconsin Badgers, for the first time since 2006, are
headed back to the Frozen Four courtesy of a 5-3 win over
conference rival St. Cloud in the Western Regional Final. There
were 7,182 on hand at the Xcel Energy Center to witness the Huskies
(15-9-4 WCHA, 24-14-5 overall) twice pull themselves within a goal
in the third period before the Badgers (17-8-3, 27-10-4) finally
held on to secure their spot in Detroit. ""It feels incredible,""
senior forward and captain Blake Geoffrion said. ""I know a lot of
seniors have worked since our freshman year coming in, coming in
after a championship team and seeing how those guys work and how
hard they work, so for us the opportunity to possibly go to the
national championship game, it's an incredible feeling right now.
Job's not done yet though.""
(03/22/10 6:00am)
At the crux of his recent resurgence, Nas released Hip Hop
is Dead, a strong, surprisingly production-focused record from
the rapper attributed as one of the ones responsible for spurring
the formation of east-coast rap. To put it simply, he's been around
the block, which allowed him to pull off the stale angle. Every
year there are rappers who try to make a splash in the rap game by
declaring that their art form is dead, but not to worry: They are
ready to resurrect it right before our very ears. This has become a
novelty motif at a point where artists are having a hard time
achieving longevity unless they have a specific angle to lend them
credibility—basically drugs, crime, misogyny, rags to riches, etc.
However, there is a new reason why this motif is still just that, a
motif, and not valid as a declarative. That reason also serves as
the newest, massively successful motif in its own right: mixtape
prowess.
(03/22/10 6:00am)
Spring break in a tropical or nearly tropical
location
(03/15/10 6:00am)
A singer-songwriter, by traditional standards, depicts a
bard-like guitar player who can interweave abstract or direct tales
of social, personal or political commentary. The most common image
behind this phrase has to be a young Bob Dylan, crafted in the mold
of Woody Guthrie and singing with a similar country flavor and
""This Machine Kills Fascists"" political motivation. This ideal
evolved with technology and genre amalgamation, but to this day,
grasps at that mysticism of being the informed poet, using either a
guitar or piano to spread musical messages. In other words,
singer-songwriters, according to this traditional ideal, are not
supposed to be superficial pop artists. They know music is meant
for more than that.
(03/11/10 6:00am)
Ohio State
(03/11/10 6:00am)
Let us call this a duplicity of logic.
(03/10/10 6:00am)
It seems like every year around February or March people make
the claim that it's the worst time of year. I've heard everything:
burnout from school, the not-quite-winter-but-not-quite-spring
weather, winter sports winding down, and even that they just hate
Valentine's Day with a fiery passion. I, however, love this time of
year for one simple reason: shitty movies. Yes, this time of year
is perfect for studios to pump out their corny formula comedies or
awful book adaptations for audiences who don't know any better. I'm
a bit of a film buff myself, and a little research produced some
quite surprising news. It appears that UW-Madison itself has been
an inspiration for many of these subpar films that come out this
time of year. I included titles and summaries from nine of the best
ones below:
(03/10/10 6:00am)
""I'm destroying everything that wouldn't make me more
like Bruce Springsteen""
(03/09/10 6:00am)
Sometimes I wonder if my girly wiring is a little off. Instead
of melting my heart and making my uterus glow with warmth, every
time I look at a baby, I feel my arteries tighten and waves of
nausea crash through my body. Seeing pregnant women is even
worse.
(03/04/10 6:00am)
These are far from your normal Gophers.
(03/02/10 6:00am)
Deer Cardinal—
(02/23/10 6:00am)
A new internet phenomenon, fittingly titled Chat Roulette,
dropped last November 2009. Created by the 17-year old Russian
Andrey Ternovsky, this social website delivers exactly what its
name promises: a risk- filled twist on current social networking
sites. Ternovsky admits that the idea first dawned on him through
his extensive use of Skype —Chat Roulette allows you to connect
with strangers via webcam, text and audio.
(02/12/10 6:00am)
As children, we were handed all of our romantic relationship
expectations from various, seemingly innocent movies. With
Valentine's Day coming up, it's time to compare what we know now to
what we learned then. This in-depth analysis will take you on a
roller coaster of truth. Be warned: It turns out that the couples
we learned from were completely and utterly dysfunctional. Here we
present six influentially bizarre movie relationships from our
childhoods.
(02/11/10 6:00am)
Everyone knows the five stages of grief, but who knew they apply
so well to a single person on Valentine's Day? The Daily Cardinal
Arts staff presents the Five Stages of Singlehood with a song and
movie to get you through each lonely stage.
(02/09/10 6:00am)
Not to be narcissistic, but I like to think of my every other
Wednesday column with you Madisonians as ""my"" day. It's where I
relay my opinions to you about the great ideals of literature, and
you, my silently captive audience, swallow it whole. Well, all
three of you who make it through the first paragraph anyway.
(02/09/10 6:00am)
Last week when my roommate told me that her friend Neha Suri was
going to die from bacterial meningitis I was overcome with sadness
and shock. I decided I wanted to write a column about trying to
deal with grief or trying to understand how something like this
could happen.
(02/08/10 6:00am)
In his typical romantic fashion, Nicholas Sparks brought us a
story of young love tested by distance and time in his novel ""Dear
John."" Now, thanks to director Lasse Hallström, an adaptation of
Sparks' novel has hit the big screen, promising to bring with it
plenty of tears. For those who are fans of Sparks' work or merely
die-hard romantics, the movie is sure to be an enjoyable
experience. However, some may leave the theater with mixed
feelings, thinking this is a story they have seen and heard many
times before.
