Deer Cardinal—
I was at a party last week, and some guys were talking about music. I thought I knew something about music, but when I went to talk to them, I got laughed at. Apparently Weezer aren't as cool as they used to be. Any suggestions on some bands I can talk up at the next party to raise my indie cred?
—Max B.
Mad Max,
Music can be a tricky business. But like any other topic of conversation, it can be mastered through a few simple tricks. First, be incredibly assertive, regardless of position. So this guy at the party thinks the White Stripes are the most influential band of the decade? The people he's with may go with the safe affirmative nod, but you need to assert your music dominance! Jump in with a snide retort like ""Wow, I had no idea garage rock was the end-all, be-all at the Web 2.0 generation!"" or ""Yeah, the White Stripes are
OK if you're into that paint-by-numbers mainstream corporate bullshit!""
At this point, you'll have the group's undivided attention. If the guy decides to challenge your statement, cite the almighty bible of indie music, Pitchfork. Say something like ""Everyone knows that Animal Collective changed the face of music this last decade, and if you're going to disagree with Scott Plagenhoef, we might as well just throw down right now!""
Finally, be dismissive of the question in general, suggesting that the premise is false to begin with. In this example, responses like ""How the hell can we begin to judge what band was the ‘most influential' when we as a society have such a skewed view of what ‘influential' means?"" or ""Considering that every artist from this decade just copied Pavement, we might as well ignore the aughts as a cesspool that brought us Soulja Boy and Auto-Tuning."" Everyone will probably think you're a jackass, but you'll be an interesting jackass, and isn't that what really matters?
Deer Cardinal—
My roommate Kevin keeps leaving me notes to wash my dishes and clean up after myself in the bathroom, but then he leaves his trash around, steals my food and leaves turds in the toilet the size of a large rodent. How can I best deal with his rampant hypocrisy?
—Phil S.
John Phil-lip Sousa—
The real question is not how to ""best"" deal with it. The best way is to have a friendly, non-confrontational conversation with your roommate. In all likelihood he probably had no idea the things he was doing bugged you and will make an effort to stop. The better question is: ""How can I most hilariously deal with his rampant hypocrisy?"" The answer to that question is ""through a series of passive-aggressive moves the likes of which the world has never seen.""
Lest you risk your roommate actually correcting his actions, go for the kill strike in one swift move. Print out a Brothers-sized sign for the side of your house with the words ""Kevin, stop stealing my eggs or else this sign turns into a picture of your two-inch penis.""
Next, create a Facebook album called ""Finally got the apartment clean! Thanks for
your help Kevin!"" with every single object your roommate left out photographed and tagged so it shows up on his News Feed. Finally, take a Comm. Arts class in film production, and make your final project a ""Law & Order"" parody where a college student, driven mad by his roommate's slovenly ways, kills his roommate by bludgeoning him with a plate of dirty dishes, shoving his head into the still-full toilet he left that morning and force-feeding him a cocktail of ketchup, eggs, pickles, peanut butter and rat poison. Either your roommate will make a meticulous effort to stay clean after that, or he'll move out because he's legitimately scared of you murdering him in his sleep. Either way, you win!
Think The Deer Cardinal's stance on roommate issues was a bit harsh? Quit crying, you pussy. E-mail him with more questions at deercardinal@dailycardinal.com.
