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Combining their love for delivering hard-hitting bars and energetic production, JPEGMAFIA and Danny Brown teamed up to create a project that delivers just that with their new album, “Scaring the Hoes.”
The Wisconsin governor’s race concluded early Wednesday morning when Tim Michels conceded to incumbent Gov. Tony Evers. Leading Michels by roughly 90,000 votes, Evers seems to have even more support than in his first victory against Scott Walker in 2018.
Millions of girls around the world have been referred to as “tomboys” from the time they were a child. In my case, as well as many others, this is known as “having an older brother” or “liking sports.” Whereas in younger years tomboys are treated as rough-and-tumble little ladies going through a phase, people seem to forget that it’s not always temporary.
This year’s March Madness tournament represented a distraction from the pandemic and a beacon of hope to regain a tradition that 2020 stole. Both fans and brands were exceptionally excited for the 2021 March Madness tournament to commence after last year’s had to be abruptly canceled when our country entered a state of lockdown and fear. After a difficult year, a sense of normalcy can finally be seen on the horizon as more people are receiving vaccines and everyone’s favorite spring tournament returned.
The day of reckoning for Donald J. Trump has finally arrived: This week the New York tyrant’s tax returns were released to the public and the Department of Justice is at last able to expose the scamming, cheating scum he really is.
Ever since they took the caffeine out of Four Loko I’ve yearned for another drink I can buy from a gas station that has a not-insignificant chance of giving me a fatal heart attack. Needless to say, I was thrilled when I heard that Coca-Cola was bringing Coca-Cola with Coffee home to the good ol’ U. S. of A. after offering it abroad for years.
Water is a strange player in global health in that it is necessary to live, but provides no real nutrients. Increasing water consumption is often touted as a method for improving health, yet most do not know why this is. Though we hear this advice frequently, few people follow it. Despite water’s documented benefits, research shows that a large portion of the U.S. is chronically dehydrated.
If you’re like me right now, you’re spending your days in your twin-size childhood bed after a pair of unexpected positive COVID-19 tests. Yeah, you were safer than normal — read: stopped going to frat parties and bars — the last week you were in Madison, and you tested negative twice before coming back, but that goddamn baby that was bawling its eyes out from Chicago to Newark probably gave it to you. Stop crying and put a mask on you little shit.
ANCIENT ISRAEL – Let’s be real now, Jesus did fucking cocaine. The world likes to sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened, but any minor reevaluation of the biblical era would reveal that our main man snorted his fair share of stardust (after all, anybody with that kind of flow must surely dabble with a bit of blow). For example, how do you think Jesus was able to miraculously feed 5,000? That shit takes a lot of time, the only way it could have been possible was with the energy boost one gets from a doing smooth line — and with the grace of God of course. Hence my point that anywhere you look, any stone of religious history you upturn, the reality of our messiah’s substance use is as obvious as his cocaine was pure. I mean, we’ve all heard the story of Christ turning water into wine, but deep down inside we all know he was actually turning heretical blokes into some fine-ass coke. He didn’t do his drugs like a bitch either. No, Jesus was a goddamn animal who could take any white mound to town. So, despite what your lame priest tells you, I hope you’ll remember that cocaine addiction is not out of step with the holy lifestyle of our savior — and if you find yourself out raging on the weekend and your best bro offers you some powdery snow, remember to stop and think to yourself, “what would Jesus do?”
Wisconsin:
Editor’s note: College football is nothing without its fans, and its fans are nothing without their passion. In an attempt to capture that unique intensity and overreactability, we’ve asked sports editor and The South enthusiast Bremen Keasey to give us a weekly breakdown of college football happenings around the country like only a true fan could.
The Dane County Sheriff’s Department has declared a regional state of emergency for the neighborhood surrounding a Coca-Cola plant in Middleton after 48 cases of Mentos were found hidden within the manufacturing pipeline. The incident, confirmed as an act of terror by regional officials, was allegedly intended to set off a chemical chain reaction between the candies and the volumes of Coke produced within the plant. Thankfully, a vigilant floor worker discovered the cases of Mentos before the plant’s auto-filtration system turned on, engulfing the minty gummy candy in Coca-Cola and embroiling the entire plant in a sugary tsunami of carbonated death.
Surely you’ve seen, or at least heard of, David Zucker’s movies. The 1971 UW-Madison alumnus is a giant in the film industry. He directed “Airplane!” and “The Naked Gun,” and helped start the careers of South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker as well as “Dumb and Dumber” directors Peter and Bobby Farrelly. In town for a campus tour with his son, I sat down with Zucker to talk about his time at UW-Madison and everything that followed.
When Michael Penn II was nine years old, he had his first sip of alcohol. Mistaking his father’s glass of Hennessy in the fridge for a glass of Coke, the young Penn confidently took a sip of the dark beverage. The moment it touched his lips, he realized the mistake he had made and spit it back into the glass.
Church, specifically the Catholic Church, has never been more interesting than it is in “The Young Pope.” Created by Paolo Sorrentino (“This Must Be The Place,” “Youth,” “The Great Beauty”), the new HBO show follows Lenny Belardo (Jude Law) who is anointed Pope Pius XIII at the age of 46. As the first American to become pope, the Cardinals believe that both his youthful age and his past interactions with the Church will make Belardo a good ‘puppet pope,” a figure that they can control and watch over.
Dear Ms. Scientist,
It’s 6 a.m., and I find myself on the Purple Line out of Chicago among a nest of snoozing commuters. My eyes are wide, lips chapped, feet still tapping in beat with the thumping club tracks I had just listened to for seven hours straight. Following in the footsteps of David Byrne, I ask myself: How did I get here? And more importantly, when will I be back?
There is an expectation that all people who attend a university are hormone-crazed sex addicts roaming campus looking for their next lay, and this is kind of true. But, to be fair, college students also experience times of complete lack of desire. While college might usually have us feeling sexy and free, the amount stress and inconsistency in this stage of life can also be a total boner killer.
If there is one thing I have learned from being single my entire existence, it is that holidays are the worst. Well, I’ve also learned that being single gives you more hours of free time to sit around looking your absolute worst without being judged. But holidays are most definitely the worst times to be single, because everywhere you look it seems that everyone else is… not single.
In a partly horrifying, partly impressive discovery Wednesday afternoon, Wisconsin Athletic Director Barry Alvarez walked in on newly hired head football coach Paul Chryst in the middle of his office constructing a vast fort out of chewing tobacco tins and personal spitters.
Solutions by The State News
