Almanac

Report: Jesus definitely did cocaine

Jesus Christ thinks cocaine is real nice.

Jesus Christ thinks cocaine is real nice.

ANCIENT ISRAEL – Let’s be real now, Jesus did fucking cocaine. The world likes to sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened, but any minor reevaluation of the biblical era would reveal that our main man snorted his fair share of stardust (after all, anybody with that kind of flow must surely dabble with a bit of blow). For example, how do you think Jesus was able to miraculously feed 5,000? That shit takes a lot of time, the only way it could have been possible was with the energy boost one gets from a doing smooth line — and with the grace of God of course. Hence my point that anywhere you look, any stone of religious history you upturn, the reality of our messiah’s substance use is as obvious as his cocaine was pure. I mean, we’ve all heard the story of Christ turning water into wine, but deep down inside we all know he was actually turning heretical blokes into some fine-ass coke. He didn’t do his drugs like a bitch either. No, Jesus was a goddamn animal who could take any white mound to town. So, despite what your lame priest tells you, I hope you’ll remember that cocaine addiction is not out of step with the holy lifestyle of our savior — and if you find yourself out raging on the weekend and your best bro offers you some powdery snow, remember to stop and think to yourself, “what would Jesus do?”

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