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Monday, April 12, 2021
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Donald Trump Bought Some Really Weird Shit

All articles featured in Almanac are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

The day of reckoning for Donald J. Trump has finally arrived: This week the New York tyrant’s tax returns were released to the public and the Department of Justice is at last able to expose the scamming, cheating scum he really is. 

Some interesting things have been revealed from this paper trail that no one, not even his closest associates, had predicted.

“I knew he was spending a shit ton of money, but I kind of just figured that it was going towards coke and extramarital affairs while he was on one of his many golfing trips in Mar A Lago,” remarked Trump’s ex-attorney Rudi Gulliani.

So what exactly were these surprise purchases by the Trump family? We had our chief tax analyst at The Daily Cardinal take a look and this is what we found out:

  1. Donald Trump actually donated. 

In 2016, during the peak of his presidential bid, Trump donated obscene — and I do mean obscene — amounts of money to help hair loss victims in Rwanda. You can’t say he isn’t charitable!

  1. Bleach

April 2020, Trump's Amazon Prime account suggests he purchased industrial amounts of bleach and syringes to the White House.

  1. Giant pool toys

For Donald’s “hot girl summer” he ordered several car sized floaty toys. Our tax analyst reluctantly concluded that these had to have been for Barron.

  1. Adult-sized changing table and bouncing seat with table

We have no words for this one.

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  1. Sun-tan booths

Donald Trump independently contracted out Sun-Tan City to install a range of tanning beds and booths throughout the White House and Capitol buildings. To no one's surprise, he paid none of the installers. You’re welcome Joe Biden!!!

  1. Books

We had never expected the mind of Trump to analyze literature, but low and behold he spent thousands on self-help books with titles like: “How to Get My Wife to Touch Me”, “The Rules of Incest: Can I Date my Daughter?”, “How to Gain Support” and finally — and most horrifically — “Mein Kampf”.

Surprisingly, the list goes on through thousands of dollars worth of pyramid scheme deals purchased through Twitter and Instagram DMs and skin care products we presume he gifted to carry the support of Mitch McConnel.

When reached for comment, Trump said he had “no regrets,” and suggested that his spending habits would continue long after he leaves office.

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