All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.
Annual tuition at the University of Wisconsin-Madison has increased each of the last four years. On August 17, however, the UW system proposed a plan to freeze tuition from 2027 to 2029 if the state agrees to invest $190 million into the universities. Though some students may appreciate this, any sane person will surely empathize with the UW Board of Regents, as this change would bar them from the most self-satisfying part of their jobs: raising tuition.
Fear not though, for the UW-Madison administration has wasted no time finding other ways to make students’ lives more expensive! If this proposal passes, UW has multiple fees ready to apply to frequently used amenities throughout campus.
In a statement to The Beet, UW stated all new price increases are “essential, due to inflation.” Some of the new fees are: Union restaurants will now charge $40 per food item and $39 per beverage; the Bakke and Nick will have a $10 entry fee; dining halls will swipe your Wiscard twice and each swipe will charge a service fee of four additional meal swipes; and lecture slides will become pay-per-view.
Perhaps the most damning new charges, though, are the taxes on water. Both bubblers and sinks will now have meters, and all toilets will have usage fees anywhere from $10 to $15 depending on the building, with Mosse Humanities on the higher extreme so as to pay for its own demolition. These fees in particular have caused outrage and cries for mercy throughout campus.
One squalid student, sophomore Herbert Gonk, told The Beet he devised an extreme plan to protest the water tax by defecating in, drinking from and washing his hands in the Hagenah Fountain on Library Mall, in that order.
According to Mr. Gonk, he “Doesn’t want to do this, but someone has to stand up and protest,” however it should be noted that this is the fifth time Herbert has done this to protest something.
Amidst the panic, UW-Madison Interim Chancellor Eric Wilcots was able to give reason behind all the sudden changes.
“If the proposal goes through, the money from the state will actually fully cover the money lost from the tuition freeze, so we’re really just doing this for the love of the game,” Wilcots told The Beet.
If it couldn’t get any worse for students, the City of Madison is very impressed by the University’s new surcharges, and they have announced they will soon implement fees of their own. The first of these is a $6 fare per ride on the 80 bus route, which is sure to gauge students. Madison will also introduce an equal-priced tax on walking and biking, so you will empty your pockets to the city no matter how you get to class.
Also, on a separate note, The Beet has been informed that your landlord is raising your rent for shits and giggles.
