All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.
Yes, you read that wrong. Wisconsin Football’s Head Coach, Luke Fickell, has never been so happy. Somehow the Wisconsin Badgers curb-stomped Eastern Michigan, 54-10, (yes, you read that part right!). Fickell told The Beet, “I know I’m not necessarily well-liked on campus, but I’ve never felt so welcome. As we returned to the locker room, I heard them chant ‘Fri-ed Pic-kle clap* clap* clap* clap* clap* fri-ed pic-kle.’ I love fried pickles! They’re my favorite food.”
Because of this, Fickell said he is beyond pumped for the Homecoming game, and continues to go into excruciating detail about his pre-game hype routine to anyone who will listen.
Every night before any game in his basic two-story colonial Middleton home, he draws a long lavender and eucalyptus bubble bath while watching “White Chicks”. He tends to watch it until his hands shrivel up and the water changes colors.
Fickell said he wants to finish the movie because he wants to know if “the black guys win or not.”
Once he slips into his Paw Patrol jammies, Fickell goes to the kitchen for a midnight snack: fried pickles with a glass of Hi-C Flashin Fruit Punch. He then attempts to call each of his players individually to say good night and a prayer while cuddled up in his silk Cincinnati Bearcats bedsheets.
After calling all 113 players with everyone going straight to voicemail, he then calls each referee assigned for the next game. They also go straight to voicemail.
He has the same luck with the Packers front office as his plea to be the head coach for the 16th time falls on deaf ears.
Fickell then screams for his butler to tuck him in, rub his feet, paint his toenails, do his taxes and read him his favorite book: “The Communist Manifesto” by Karl Marx. Three minutes into the book and Fickell is out for the night.
As Fickell began to speak about his morning routine, I, Adam John Capatske, was the only reporter left at the press conference. Fine, I lied. I left my phone recording on a chair while I went to enjoy the fifth quarter. But I’m still the only one with the scoop.
First thing in the morning, Fickell again tries to call all 113 of his players to say good morning, but hasn’t realized they are already at the Kellner Center warming up for the game. Afterwards, he sets aside 45 minutes to cry. Apparently, the crying purges his emotions, so he seems lifeless as Mitch McConnell all day long.
He then goes to his office, where he eats his favorite oatmeal: Original. If he is feeling spicy, he squirts in pickle juice. As he eats, he reads and responds to his emails, Communist Party USA, one at a time.
Then Fickell begins to go on about how he is planning on resigning... but my phone died. So, unfortunately, I never found out whether Fickell is actually resigning, but Wisconsin may have a bigger problem than Homecoming.
Or maybe Fickell is already planning his next move. No matter if he gets fired, at least he’ll finally have time to finish “White Chicks.”
