All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.
In the University of Wisconsin-Madison’s endless endeavor to make students’ voices feel heard, the Associated Students of Madison (ASM) threaten to continue representing students, especially the horniest among us.
Sex Out Loud (SOL), a student organization dedicated to reducing stigma around sexual topics of all kinds, fondled the ASM budget spreadsheet this week. Following their actual, non-satirical $130,000 check for “activities” being cashed, SOL is starting their pilot program directed towards modernizing club dues collection and other “enrichment funds.”
SOL already collects club dues in installments tracked by their patented “Collection Collar,” worn at all times currently by members. Every time the wearer takes a free condom, demonstrates a tax-payer titty toucher (also referred to as a triple T), or masturbates at all, the LEDs inside flash green and take exponentially lower amounts of money from the wearer’s accounts over the course of the semester. The withdrawals are further lowered by how many collars are active, hence SOL has been recruiting more often in the past three years.
They’ve used their allocated $7,000 “Miscellaneous Expenses” to buy more collars, and the pilot program will distribute them to every student starting on Oct. 1. General student contributions will enter a separate UW Credit Union savings account labelled “Efficiency” which will be used to pay for executive board salaries, flavored lubricant and masturbating workshops.
In a statement given only because “I love beating,” Sex Out Loud President and ASM Chair of Student Life Danny “Dildo” Davis told The Beet, “Being in two student groups makes working in between them so much easier. Moving the money from other clubs into my own goes so much smoother now, and I get to practice being a sex-crazed bureaucrat.”
He said also of their recruitment methods, “I’m a firm believer in manifestation, you know, putting things out into the universe and they’ll happen. That’s why most of us joined this friggin club, the hope is if we talk about having sex often enough we’ll finally get some. I actually take a lot of pride in that area of our diversity — some of us are praying for tail and others just can’t stop pulling!”
To kick off SOL’s “Autosexual October,” the pilot collars will be accompanied by a new hit-and-run attachment style. Volunteers (of which there are many) will go out in trios, each with their own job in an encounter. One disorients an unsuspecting student by flailing a solid-gold dildo in their face, the second holds them and the third attaches the collar and gently kisses them on the cheek.
Students with concerns about financial security and sexual material have been advised to “get a grip,” and accept modernity. If you find yourself with neither, you’re just shit out of luck.
