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University of Wisconsin-Madison Chancellor Jennifer Mnookin announced she caused this month’s campus wide measles outbreak in order to usher in a new age of “diversity of health” at a press conference last night.
“After tackling diversity of thought by saying I’ll make an AI chat bot or something, I asked myself, what about diversity of health? Lots of healthy people on campus, why not bring in more sickos?! So, in exchange for a couple gallons of raw milk and beef tallow, I got RFK Jr. to give me a couple vials of measles.”
After making several sarcastic comments about how people weren’t upset she was leaving campus, like “Someday you’ll realize how good things were in the Mnookin era,” and “Y’all really set up encampments for Palestine but not for me to stay,” she was asked how she got the idea for the plan.
“I was reading a history book about how measles was sunset by the government, and I thought, hey, we shouldn't be censoring the disease, it’s not a student protester, it has a right to free speech and free assembly.”
She then unpromptedly brought up the 2003 invasion of Iraq and the 2010-2011 Arab Spring, comparing herself to former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein and former Libyan politician Muammar Gaddafi, shouting “I’m all that keeps this place together, without me it’ll be anarchy and chaos.”
Students have been largely supportive of Mnookin’s measles plan.
“Having measles has honestly helped me so much. It makes me feel cute, unique and helps me stand out,” UW-Madison sophomore, and measles patient, Andrean Tompson told The Daily Cardinal.
Campus leaders have stressed the importance of vaccines amidst the outbreak.
“I love getting vaxxed, not because I’m a woke beta libtard or whatever, I just get ‘em cause I like the feeling of the needles in my arm. If you like that feeling, you should get the jab too,” student vaccine advocate Sammy Sarton said.
Measles vaccines will be given out for free in Mnookin’s office every Friday night from 9 p.m. to 12 a.m. until her departure from campus, but Mnookin stressed only cool students down to party who aren’t afraid of a little fentanyl are allowed.
Dominic Violante is The Beet editor for The Daily Cardinal.
