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Following University of Wisconsin-Madison Chancellor Jennifer Mnookin's departure to become president of Columbia, we at The Daily Cardinal have ranked the top five most qualified chancellor candidates.
#5 - Joe Gow
Joe Gow was the chancellor of University of Wisconsin-LaCrosse for 16 years until he was removed from office after it was discovered he and his wife had been producing, publishing and selling pornographic films together, as well as publishing several books on their escapades, like “Married with Benefits: Our Real-Life Adult Industry Adventures” and “Monogamy with Benefits: How Porn Enriches our Relationship” (yes, those are real books he wrote with his wife).
Gow argued his firing for his films and books is a violation of his First Amendment rights. The University of Wisconsin System can prove him wrong. By giving him the position of UW-Madison chancellor, UW System leadership can finally prove it holds itself to Mnookin’s ideals of freedom of speech and expression.
However, out of curiosity, I read part of my predecessor's review of Gow’s films. I regretted it almost immediately. Absolutely disgusting. Don’t read it. It made me throw up in my mouth. Sorry Gow, but what you and your wife were doing in the bedroom is an affront to God. You deserved to be fired. I’m going to go bleach my eyes.
Joe Gow gets one out of five sifts and winnows, and I pray I’ll forget the details of this elderly couple's lovemaking.
#4 - Scott Walker
It’s clear many are looking for a Republican to lead Wisconsin’s flagship institution. And we couldn’t agree more. This former Wisconsin governor has loads of the right type of experience. Not only did he almost get a college degree at Marquette University, he also may have had a private fundraising luncheon with disgraced New York financier Jeff Epstein (while Epstein was invited, it is unclear if he attended).
Not only is this pick for chancellor completely recall proof, he’s also spent his long career in Wisconsin politics as a staunch supporter of the UW System, fighting tooth and nail to deliver the system more funding. His only downside is his baldspot, which was expertly investigated in the Badger Herald's only good article.
Scott Walker gets three out of five sifts and winnows.
#3 - Brett Hulsey
This former state representative and current gubernatorial candidate has a one of a kind history of publicity stunts and scandals which showcase his creative mindset and commitments to the Wisconsin Idea.
In 2013, he spent $1,200 of campaign funds on a hot red convertible to be used for parades. In 2012, he flipped a 9-year-old off his inner tube and took pictures of him. And in 2014, he appeared in and helped produce a stunning documentary where he dressed up as a Viking with a tinfoil helmet (pretty cool right?). If he can bring this kind of enthusiasm into the world of politics, imagine what he can do in the world of academia!
Hulsey gets four out of five sifts and winnows.
#2 - Bari Weiss
Now this is a real journalist! If UW leadership wants to revamp the School of Journalism and Mass Communication, this American hero is definitely up to the task. Her takeover of CBS this past year has been a complete success, turning the once lame and boring news show into an awesome, sensationalized and patriotic piece of entertainment.
Not only has she shifted CBS interviews from hard hitting journalism to tabloid-esque, clip-farming slop with such beloved guests as Hilary Clinton and Elon Musk, she’s also canceled 60 Minutes specials to avoid speaking truth to power and is besties with Antichrist specialist Peter Thiel. If UW wants a chancellor who can turn this failing institution into a spineless, morally bankrupt, abhorrent slop shop, Weiss is the one to do it.
Four and a half sifts and winnows out of five.
#1 - Luke Fickell
What can I say? This man is a hero — an icon even. He’s transformed the Badger football team into something truly historic while also being the subject of my most successful articles. Many are saying he’s refusing a contract extension to pursue something bigger in the future — something better. Maybe the chancellorship is his next destination? Thank you, Luke Fickell. You are truly the embodiment of the Wisconsin Idea.
Five out of five sifts and winnows.
Dominic Violante is The Beet editor for The Daily Cardinal.
