All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.
Peter Thiel, cofounder of Paypal and Palintir, claimed the biblical Antichrist “isn’t that bad when you actually get to know him” during a private lecture on the Antichrist last Saturday.
“A lot of people give the Antichrist a bad rap, and honestly, I did too. But then, like anyone who values the free speech marketplace of ideas, I actually heard him out. I gave him time to tell his side of the story, and now I think it’s time we un-cancel Satan. The P.C. police have been after him for as long as I can remember, it’s time we change that,” Thiel said.
Thiel was then asked by an audience member how he got into contact with the famed harbinger of the end times.
“Well, after he saw what my surveillance company, Palintir, was being used to do in Gaza, and Palintir’s partnership with ICE, as well as my nausea-inducing misinterpretations of the Lord of The Rings series, he gave me a call to ask for some advice,” Thiel said.
He went on to talk at length about how the two developed a deep friendship.
“The more we talked, the more I realized how much we had in common. We both think humanity shouldn’t continue to exist, we both love AI and both of us were close friends with disgraced New York financier Jeffrey Epstein,” Thiel said.
Close personal friend to Thiel, Vice President JD Vance, joined in on the conversation, posting on his X (the app formerly known as Twitter) account.
“For too long Satan worship has been limited to the liberal elites like Hillary Clinton and her crew, it’s time the GOP gets on the pro-Antichrist bandwagon!” Vance posted alongside a clip of the Antichrist’s controversial interview with the Nelk Boys on their “Full Send” podcast last July.
Thiel will be giving a lecture hosted by The Madison Federalist, Wisconsin Young Americans for Freedom and Badger GOP, because apparently those are all different groups of people, in Madison, Wisconsin, next Friday.
Dominic Violante is The Beet editor for The Daily Cardinal.
