All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.
The Notre Dame Fighting Irish are slated to plow through the Wisconsin Badgers just weeks before their offensive line is ravaged by injuries and has Wisconsinites asking, “Is this God’s payback for the data centers?”
The organizers of the Shamrock Series told The Beet the idea for this matchup came when a Badger fan remarked that she was excited for the first few games of this season as Wisconsin would be undefeated for a few weeks. The Badgers almost got lucky this year; the first games were against Western Illinois and Eastern Michigan, with whom the Badgers went 3-0 and 4-0 in past matchups, respectively.
Notre Dame heard about this and devised a plan to give the Badgers a losing record before their home opener. But still, the Badgers should have those two games to wipe their tears and drink their sorrows in preparation for going 0-9 the rest of the season.
Irish fans will have special seats at the Shamrock Series with cushions filled with the wads of would-be conference fee cash Notre Dame has lying around, while Badger fans will sit on the bleachers and wait for the hockey season to start so they can be taunted by the Big Ten+ logo, knowing the plus only exists for ND Hockey.
In theme with playing against Catholics, the halftime show will feature a full light show and séance wherein the 1929 Packers three-peat roster will be summoned from Astral Titletown to play the remainder of the game. In a statement to The Beet over the summer, Coach Fickell said of the historic lineup, “They have such a better chance than we do. We’re actually biblically screwed.”
Students at UW-Madison are figuring out their transportation options to the game this weekend. Many are carpooling or taking buses up, but more and more students are finding themselves starting their hikes in the coming days. The Beet spoke to a group of seniors starting their trek on Regent Street: “We’re not expecting to stand that much while the game goes on, plus I’m planning to come out of this with more toenails than touchdowns. I think the Badgers are going to score.” A few students are taking a more traditional route, hitchhiking. But beware rest stops…we’ve heard Badgers are the new lot lizards.
In a world where neither Kalshi nor God want the Badgers to win, how can this new roster defy the odds and bring Wisconsin football out of a dark age? With over forty players new to the program, the coaching staff has the opportunity to surprise everyone and dig their team out of the pit they’ve been in for the last five seasons. The more likely option is an additional six feet added to said pit. Alas, fans await kickoff with bated breath, knowing that if this doesn’t pan out, the basketball team isn’t much better.
