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Saturday, May 25, 2024
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Union South’s water broke. It’s a boy!

After nine months of grueling pregnancy, Union South’s water broke to reveal the newest edition to the UW-Madison campus.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Union South’s water has broken, and she’s about to give birth to a brand-new building on campus!

After nine long months of construction, the city of Madison is about to welcome the baby building to its skyline. Union South has named the building “Theodore,” and he is expected to be built sometime within the next 48 hours. The doctor tasked with delivering this structure is Professor Hardcastle, one of the few members of campus faculty with both an MD and a PhD in architecture. 

“I’m going to be honest, I had no idea this was even possible,” Hardcastle told The Daily Cardinal. “When my boss said he needed my help with getting a new building on campus, I assumed he was talking about more… conventional means.”

Regardless of Hardcastle’s bewilderment at the situation, UW-Madison has been looking forward to the arrival of its new baby brother for months. Last fall, Union South had a “zoning reveal party,” where she revealed the new building would be mixed-use commercial and residential. 

More recently, an ultrasound showed the blueprint for this building, which will include a UW Credit Union branch, a Badger Market, a Toppers Pizza, an Outback Steakhouse and an 18-hole mini-golf course themed around the 1984 film “Romancing the Stone” starring Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner.

There has also been speculation of who the father is, with primary candidates being 333 East Campus Mall and the Discovery Building. As of right now, nothing is confirmed, and both buildings declined to comment. 

“It doesn’t matter who the father is,” Memorial Union said. “My granddaughter should have done it the right way: get a building permit first!”

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