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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, October 01, 2023

Bascom Hill trail guide

Establish dominance.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Students and staff alike love to commiserate over the physical challenge that is Bascom Hill. However, with a new school year comes a plethora of inconveniences to bat around over a milkshake shared with your best buddy.

So let The Beet take one thing off your plate — here is our guide to dominating Bascom Hill.

  1. Pick a target. At any given time, there will be dozens of students walking up the hill. You have to turn your walk to class into what life truly is — a competition. Pick someone nearby and tell yourself you will make it to the top before them. You will because you’re a winner. 
  2. Listen to something louder than your breathing. For those who are prone to smoking weed out of a plastic bottle, breathing harder while walking up an incline should be a welcomed sign that your lungs are still working. For those who don’t, you may not like to be reminded that you’re a human being with weaknesses. Slap on some headphones and amp up that murder mystery podcast.
  3. Phone a friend. Some days, you’re not about speed. Maybe you just want to get to your Spanish class when you get there. However, you should make it clear that you could move faster if you wanted to. The best way to get the benefit of the doubt is through multi-tasking. Text a friend, scroll through social media or do whatever it takes to give off the vibe that you’d be an athlete if you felt like it but now isn’t the right time.
  4. Mind the flamingos. Each fall, Bascom Hill is covered in plastic lawn flamingos. They want what’s best for you, so take their unmoving glare to say “Hey buddy, I know you won’t let me down now.” This is particularly important to remember when you’re running away from a cop after stealing a flamingo. 
  5. Look like you’re too cool for the hill. Establish dominance. Most people either look at their feet or directly ahead when going up Bascom. Show the hill that you’re not just going to bend down and give it the respect it demands. Keep your head up and look around at the beautiful, historic campus that’s stealing all of your money. Sometimes you get to see a kid fall. 
  6. Jump on a stronger looking person’s back. Maybe you’re feeling congested. Maybe you’re having one of those days where you think “Why do I have to go to this math class? I’m a communications major.” When it takes everything to not skip class, see if you can get a Badger lineman to carry you. If they say no, then you will be able to think about the unfriendly giant you met instead of variables and all of that other witchy business. 
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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.


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