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Friday, April 12, 2024
Biden for President_ice cream.jpeg

Joe Biden stepping down from presidency to run after ice cream truck

The 46th President of the United States is stepping down for a double scoop.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

When Joe Biden was declared the winner of the 2020 presidential election, millions of Americans shared tears of relief or a shrug of acceptance. However, despite becoming president of the United States, voters always knew that there was one thing more important to Biden than helming the executive branch: ice cream. 

Despite his well-known fondness for the dessert, few expected that he would prioritize it over the most important job in the nation. Yet, Biden has announced that he has stepped down from the presidency effective immediately to chase an ice cream truck.

“Look, folks,” began Biden in a video feed from the Oval Office. “There’s a lot of problems that need to be addressed in this country — people can’t afford to live on a single income, the cost of a college education is too high and the lesser prairie chicken population is nearing a very dangerous low,” the now-former president said with a squint in his eyes as if he accidentally sat on a tack, but didn’t want to make a fuss about it. 

“But now, I’ve found a greater calling. That calling, my fellow Americans, is a double scoop of chocolate chip in a waffle cone — extra sprinkles. I can hear that the ice cream truck is near, and it is my duty to chase after it until my mission is complete. May God bless you all and may God bless our troops.” 

Biden then haphazardly removed his mic, leaving it on the desk before running out of frame.

Some have questioned whether or not the announcement was a joke. However, the fact that Biden stated his desire for the ice cream he’s most known for ordering — plus sprinkles for a little pizzazz — indicates that the 46th President of the United States is deathly serious.

This isn’t the first time that the Scranton, Pa. native has faced criticism for his love of the frozen treat. As tensions were growing between Russia and Ukraine on Jan. 25 of this year, Biden came under fire for stopping at Jeni’s Splendid Ice Creams in Washington D.C. The following are a few of the complaints by reporters and politicians.

“Is it appropriate at this time? Vladimir Putin watching this commander in chief chomping on ice cream?” - Shaun Kraisman, Newsmax.

“Why is Putin doing this? Because he knows Biden is weak. Biden would rather have ice cream with somebody than stand up for Americans.” - Senator Rick Scott, Florida.

“The world is falling apart thanks to his weakness and Joe Biden gets ice c—and look at that! A double scoop there, old Joe.” Grant Stinchfield, Newsmax.

Further, Fox News followed the excursion as if something crazy like, oh I don’t know, a government insurrection was happening.

Those who were up in arms about the scandal can now rest assured, as whenever the classic ice cream truck tune of “Turkey in the Straw” grows nearer, the former president can finally roll up his sleeves, put on some tennis shoes, grab some wadded up cash and chase that dairy dragon on his own time.

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.

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