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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, October 16, 2021
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Machine Guns

Gun shop giving out punch cards for mass shootings

All articles featured in Almanac are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

It’s a tradition older than the fries on the floor of a 1996 Pontiac Grand Prix. For decades, many businesses have offered their loyal customers punch cards to reward them for emptying their pockets for products that likely cost the same amount to produce as the slip of paper itself. Often, however, the punch cards go missing before they’re able to be completed. One business has decided to change that.

Good Guys Gun Shop, located in Muskego, WI, decided over the weekend to start giving out punch cards of its own. However, customers wouldn’t get a free box of bullets just for purchasing items from the store. Instead, the hole punches are earned by something much more consistent - mass shootings.

“Business has been a little slow since most of our clientele stockpiled ammunition in March 2020, then November 2020 and again just this past January. Nobody really needs to buy bullets anymore, but as long as they’re free, people will take them. At this point, I kind of just want to make room for more cool stuff,” said owner Jim Rickles.

This goal is expected to be achieved quickly, as there have been at least 147 of these events in the United States since the beginning of 2021. 

“At first, I thought it was a fluke,” said Rickles. “You know, people letting off steam from last year. But then I heard about that shooting at the FedEx in Indianapolis, and my first thought was ‘Hey, I think I could benefit from this!” 

The small business owner described the outpouring of support he has received from the community since the punch cards were made available as “almost heart-thawing.”

“If anyone needs to feel the love right now, it’s probably me,” said Rickles. “ Just this last Sunday, the McDouble I’d been saving for the last few weeks went stale. Then, I got injured when I was testing out my homemade bullet-proof pants. Now, thanks to those dirty commies in Washington and their hand-outs to the lazy folks, I’m in medical debt.”

Rickles was unable to elaborate on this statement. For those concerned, the man stated that he doesn’t vote, as he “actually kind of needs those food stamps” and that this was on the record because “people don’t read much around here anyway.” 

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